Very soon, it will be 6 months since Sanjay died. It still doesn't register fully in my mind that he's gone because I still think that he's here. August will be a hard month. It is his birth month, the month his brother, Subhas, died and 12 years since all of us came to the US. In fact, the only thing I ever really associated August with was Sanjay's birthday. I miss him a lot. I find myself skipping over songs that he used to like or songs that I listened to at various times during his illness. In fact, the only thing from that time that I can listen to is the Hanuman Chalisa. The pictures are hard to look at. I am afraid to call his mom and sister because I don't know what to say to them nor do I want to visit the house. Things come and go now. I remember little things and they all make sense now. There were so many things I overlooked when he was sick.
Five months...that is what it took for him to really deteriorate. How I wish that he didn't have to lie in bed for those five months! He was so strong! Even when i visited him in the few days before he died, it didn't register in my mind that he was so sick. I felt the tumors on his sides, and even thought they would go away.
Deep down, I know things will be better. One day. It seems as if the family took a good shaking. Every now and again, we get a good one but this one hit hard.
I'll continue this blog....or maybe not.......
