the thought just occurred to me that if laziness was a factor in a contest, i would have won the 1st prize by a landslide! i cannot think of what i did today besides waking up, eating, watching tv, coming online, and now online again. jeez! what a waste of a day! i must make a mental note of that in the new year not to do this. actually, it felt good to just not do anything for a while but then it kinda got to me. usually when this happens i know that i will spend most of the night compensating and cleaning until i decide to sleep. oh well.....
so it is the end of the year now and boy, did it pass quickly! how does one measure time passing? yeah, that's an easy question to answer....use a clock...but no, i did not mean that. i guess it is all relative..how we measure time. it flies when we are having fun and when we are dejected, it could never be any slower. i think i better do something productive. going to exercise....
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Mamoo Balack, Roses and superstitions...
I have not felt like typing lately but however, i have written 8 pages to myself. Handwritten. Maybe it is because i did not feel like sharing what I was thinking to everyone back then...who knows? Usually, in my handwritten diary, i will review my year and then make changes for the new year based on how the past year went. This is what it was like...there were lots of laughter and equally as many tears.
Sometimes you know that something will happen but you do not expect it and when it does, you are surprised by it. this is how i felt when i heard the news about Mamoo Balak's death. He was sick but we never thought that he would die on Christmas day. so all the laughter turned to tears in the blink of an eye. I think the saddest thing was seeing mummy cry for her brother. She has that effect on people. We are so used to seeing her happy that when she cries, everyone cries as well. We did not know him but from the way she spoke of him, we learnt to love him through her. She adored her brother. Deep down we know that he is better off now but the void of losing a member of the family is still very fresh in our minds.
The Christmas tree is down and all the decorations are off earlier than usual. The house is not exactly one of mourning because it is in our nature not to mourn but to celebrate the life that the person lived. Even as the christmas decorations are off, the roses in the front are still blooming on a daily basis and they make the house look festive. It seems as if the roses are blooming for him. At least i would like to think so. Mummy said that when her father died, they got roses like that.
There is a superstition amongst our people about roses in the front of your house. They say that flowers with thorns are not good to be planted in the front of a house and one should not use them in worship. ask me if i believe it! nan had bought those roses as a birthday present for me earlier this year. I did not think twice about having them planted in the front of the house. a rose's beauty is meant to be shown off, not hidden. I guess we are not as superstitious. Daddy was using them to decorate the altar because for the first time, we had so many roses.
As for the superstition, they are the most beautiful flowers, and probably the hardest to grow and maintain. anyone who has ever tried to grow a rose from a baby plant will know that. of course, they can be used to describe life...the delicate nature, their beauty, their grace, their thorns, the insects that can plague them if not cared for, how they wither, dropping of their petals and the remains of their core when the beauty of their petals is shed. to me, having them bloom was an accomplishment because we cared for them so much. After the hurricane, i put fertilizer and miracle gro on them and even sprayed them to prevent insects from attacking them. And yes, the roses bloomed to celebrate the life that my uncle lived. they were a tribute to him.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Winding down with Dostoevsky's "The Brothers Karamazov"
It's coming down to the last few chapters of my 1045 page novel now. Here i find that i must mention the name of the translator...Konstantin Mucholsky...because i've seen various interpretions and some of the words are translated into english differently. That's why it's always better to read a book in the original language...but for people like me, who can only understand one language fluently and i struggle with two others, english will have to do. At least, i was able to get the main idea of the novel.
Dostoevsky made a masterpiece. One can only read and marvel at his precision with regard to human nature. he hit the nail on the head! Now, i am on the trial of Dmitry Karamazov. The book is tragic...i think... but there is redemption. Alyosha is a sweetheart and even if people describe the Karamazov brothers as having the bad traits of their father, Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov, one cannot help loving them because deep down, they are present in all of us. I cannot really understand how Dostoevsky was able to do it so well but he took certain human qualities and he separated them into three brothers and even the worst qualities, we can identify with them. we all doubt, we are all ruled by our senses at one time or the other, and we all have bountless reserves of faith. therefore, we are all Ivans, Dmitrys and Alyoshas, respectively.
another point for this book is that we already know what is going to happen....the narrator does not hold back the plot but it is the thoughts of the people that surprises us when we read this book. we read because we are interested in the thinking process of the characters and not what eventually happens. dostoevsky could have made a mystery out of the murder and not let us know that smerdyakov was the murderer but instead, he let us know. the mystery comes from the thoughts of these three karamazov brothers. we read because we want to know of what they will think. and if they will become close....and yes, it is happening....alyosha, the darling, is the linker in the book. even the worst of people love him.
on a more trivial note, i love the smell of books. sometimes i just open the book to smell how the pages smell. yes, many people may think i am a wierdo but from as long as i can remember, it is the first thing i do when i open a book. see, novels smell different from college books. and test papers smell different from novels and college books. then, there's the newspapers that have their own smell and the magazines that have a faint plastic smell. so everytime i read from this book, i smell it before i begin reading. i've tried so hard not to write or underline even though i have been tempted so many times while reading. that's one little accomplishment because to reach to almost the end and not do it, is something unheard of for me.
i could have finished reading this book a long time ago...but i put it down several times to take in all of what i read. then i have been delaying the finale because i don't want it to end. i feel a little bit sad...like how i felt when i read "Autobiography of a Yogi" and i did not want to read the last lines because it would mean that i was done reading the book. it's worth rereading though. there are many things to learn. kudos to Kenny who recommended this book to me.
really, i should be studying for the MCATs and i will...i just felt that i needed a break from the whole academic thing. so after i am done with Karamazov, i will go back to the world of academia. until then, i will be learning about life from the non-academic side.....
Dostoevsky made a masterpiece. One can only read and marvel at his precision with regard to human nature. he hit the nail on the head! Now, i am on the trial of Dmitry Karamazov. The book is tragic...i think... but there is redemption. Alyosha is a sweetheart and even if people describe the Karamazov brothers as having the bad traits of their father, Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov, one cannot help loving them because deep down, they are present in all of us. I cannot really understand how Dostoevsky was able to do it so well but he took certain human qualities and he separated them into three brothers and even the worst qualities, we can identify with them. we all doubt, we are all ruled by our senses at one time or the other, and we all have bountless reserves of faith. therefore, we are all Ivans, Dmitrys and Alyoshas, respectively.
another point for this book is that we already know what is going to happen....the narrator does not hold back the plot but it is the thoughts of the people that surprises us when we read this book. we read because we are interested in the thinking process of the characters and not what eventually happens. dostoevsky could have made a mystery out of the murder and not let us know that smerdyakov was the murderer but instead, he let us know. the mystery comes from the thoughts of these three karamazov brothers. we read because we want to know of what they will think. and if they will become close....and yes, it is happening....alyosha, the darling, is the linker in the book. even the worst of people love him.
on a more trivial note, i love the smell of books. sometimes i just open the book to smell how the pages smell. yes, many people may think i am a wierdo but from as long as i can remember, it is the first thing i do when i open a book. see, novels smell different from college books. and test papers smell different from novels and college books. then, there's the newspapers that have their own smell and the magazines that have a faint plastic smell. so everytime i read from this book, i smell it before i begin reading. i've tried so hard not to write or underline even though i have been tempted so many times while reading. that's one little accomplishment because to reach to almost the end and not do it, is something unheard of for me.
i could have finished reading this book a long time ago...but i put it down several times to take in all of what i read. then i have been delaying the finale because i don't want it to end. i feel a little bit sad...like how i felt when i read "Autobiography of a Yogi" and i did not want to read the last lines because it would mean that i was done reading the book. it's worth rereading though. there are many things to learn. kudos to Kenny who recommended this book to me.
really, i should be studying for the MCATs and i will...i just felt that i needed a break from the whole academic thing. so after i am done with Karamazov, i will go back to the world of academia. until then, i will be learning about life from the non-academic side.....
Monday, December 12, 2005
graduation pictures
ami and me... 
1st pic...ami and me
2nd pic: ami's dad, ami and me
3rd and 4th pics: ami's the one waving
ami's graduation party
At my home....i was still in a partying mood....doing my own dancing...this is part of my latin moves
ami and one of his cakes....earlier in the evening at his place....
yeah, we were happy and we had two cakes!
the remainders of the chocolate cake is at my house. i've resolved to go on the diet after the cake is done. hopefully, i wouldn't get any bigger....goodyear may give me the contract to be the blimp.... if the cake is in the house, there can be no diet..chocolate cake is my enemy....i see it and i must eat it. thank goodness we don't eat eggs!!!!!! imagine, i'm on the treadmill and i am thinking of the cake in the fridge...jeezums!
Friday, December 09, 2005
it's beginning to look a lot like christmas......
there's a christmas carol that goes..."said the night wind to the little lamb....." one part of it goes something like "said the shepherd boy to the mighty king...do you know what i know, a child lays shivering in the cold in your kingdom...." i dont really know the words but that piece of the carol always gets me. and yes, christmas is one of the saddest holidays if you remember that easter comes up. i mean, we should be grateful for the passion, but it doesn't take away the guilt and gratitude felt in John 3:16.
today, my friend told me that in venezuela she used to write letters to el nino jesus when she was little. apparently, el nino is the "santa" in venezuela. she will send her christmas list to him. but it was nice to hear that at least somewhere, it wasn't all about the commercialism and having to buy presents only. then she was telling me how she cannot understand how the bunny fits into easter...now, the bunny is cute, adorable in fact, but how did it ever replace Jesus? People associate easter with the bunny more than the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. but hopefully, one day we get reminded and it will be better.
I haven't been spending much time lately in the house. according to my mom, all i do is sleep in here, wake up just in time to say prayers and then leave the house once more. I guess i have gotten used to that because it is hard to break it. really, i feel a little guilty about not spending much time with them lately but hopefully it will pass over. according to them, i spend more time with ami than them and according to ami, i spend more time with them than with him...so my solution...cut me down the middle!!!!! i feel like a celebrity;0) nah, just been really busy lately. that's all.
actually, in rationalizing things out, there are certain days that i like to be home...like sundays. the rest of the days, i really like being out. no, i'm not a "homey" person...except for in the night in time to watch the comedy central lineup and have my coffee at the same time. that will explain why i am up to this hour online. It's 2:31 am and i should be sleeping because tomorrow when i have to wake up, it is going to be trouble. ami's graduation starts at 9 am. the problem is that i will have to bank my lost sleep. yes, furgie will say that sleeping is what i do best.
i ordered an eggless cake for ami's graduation. actually mummy did. but i have to pick it up. the thing is that his older sister also got him a cake from another supermarket. i was actually being greedy for cake because i cannot eat the cake she will bring because of the eggs....so basically, i'm ensuring my own "eats." really, i hope she doesn't mind. at least ami will be happy. he's getting two cakes!!! but then again, i think it is only furgie and i that get this crazy over cake. we just finished vinod's birthday cake in less than two days....that will not be good for the diet but it sure was good cake...and it's not like if we have it everyday (i'm rationalizing again!).
since i wasn't home all week really...i decided that when i got home from work, i would do something in the house. i ended up right in my corner....that is, i ended up in my bed and i didn't wake up until it was 3 hours after. so during the breaks in my comedy central lineup, i put up the tree with vinod and since i am the youngest, i got to put up the star. not that it really matters, but he let me do it anyway. he's really cool about christmas. the tree is beautiful. this time vin put it up so anyone passing on the road can see it through the glass in the front door. now, i need to find a really pretty nativity scene and put it by the tree. earlier this week, i hung my stockings up and nan pulled them down. i guess they weren't very fashionable. i had this really long one hanging up and i was joking that it was vin's since his feet are so big. my mom usually puts potatoes and stuff from the kitchen in them. it's hilarious. so, i guess the christmas season starts really after ami's graduation tomorrow. then i can start focusing on christmas really.
today, my friend told me that in venezuela she used to write letters to el nino jesus when she was little. apparently, el nino is the "santa" in venezuela. she will send her christmas list to him. but it was nice to hear that at least somewhere, it wasn't all about the commercialism and having to buy presents only. then she was telling me how she cannot understand how the bunny fits into easter...now, the bunny is cute, adorable in fact, but how did it ever replace Jesus? People associate easter with the bunny more than the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. but hopefully, one day we get reminded and it will be better.
I haven't been spending much time lately in the house. according to my mom, all i do is sleep in here, wake up just in time to say prayers and then leave the house once more. I guess i have gotten used to that because it is hard to break it. really, i feel a little guilty about not spending much time with them lately but hopefully it will pass over. according to them, i spend more time with ami than them and according to ami, i spend more time with them than with him...so my solution...cut me down the middle!!!!! i feel like a celebrity;0) nah, just been really busy lately. that's all.
actually, in rationalizing things out, there are certain days that i like to be home...like sundays. the rest of the days, i really like being out. no, i'm not a "homey" person...except for in the night in time to watch the comedy central lineup and have my coffee at the same time. that will explain why i am up to this hour online. It's 2:31 am and i should be sleeping because tomorrow when i have to wake up, it is going to be trouble. ami's graduation starts at 9 am. the problem is that i will have to bank my lost sleep. yes, furgie will say that sleeping is what i do best.
i ordered an eggless cake for ami's graduation. actually mummy did. but i have to pick it up. the thing is that his older sister also got him a cake from another supermarket. i was actually being greedy for cake because i cannot eat the cake she will bring because of the eggs....so basically, i'm ensuring my own "eats." really, i hope she doesn't mind. at least ami will be happy. he's getting two cakes!!! but then again, i think it is only furgie and i that get this crazy over cake. we just finished vinod's birthday cake in less than two days....that will not be good for the diet but it sure was good cake...and it's not like if we have it everyday (i'm rationalizing again!).
since i wasn't home all week really...i decided that when i got home from work, i would do something in the house. i ended up right in my corner....that is, i ended up in my bed and i didn't wake up until it was 3 hours after. so during the breaks in my comedy central lineup, i put up the tree with vinod and since i am the youngest, i got to put up the star. not that it really matters, but he let me do it anyway. he's really cool about christmas. the tree is beautiful. this time vin put it up so anyone passing on the road can see it through the glass in the front door. now, i need to find a really pretty nativity scene and put it by the tree. earlier this week, i hung my stockings up and nan pulled them down. i guess they weren't very fashionable. i had this really long one hanging up and i was joking that it was vin's since his feet are so big. my mom usually puts potatoes and stuff from the kitchen in them. it's hilarious. so, i guess the christmas season starts really after ami's graduation tomorrow. then i can start focusing on christmas really.
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
The Grand Inquisitor....really now, i need to scribble because my mind is working overtime....
There is a novel that was recommended to me a long time ago by an acquaintance when i went to the community college. It's called The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky. While i have previously read Tolstoy's works and loved them, i found that this book appealed to me on a human/intellectual basis. Dostoevsky, to me, seemed to be fighting his inner demons when he wrote this novel...and i wish now if he had finished the sequel to Karamazov before he died. there are many instances where intellectual discussion arose in this book but there was something that Dostoevsky said that really got through to me. In the book, there are three brothers and a step-brother along with the father. The eldest is Dimitri, by his first wife, then there are Ivan and Alyosha by his second wife, and finally Smerdyakov by a mentally retarded woman that the father rapes while he is drunk. All of the brothers personify a human quality....or even in psychology, we can say that the legitimate brothers represent the id, the ego, and the superego. Ivan being the id, Dimitri being the ego, and Alyosha being the superego. Smerdyakov personifies evil in the novel.
there are several questions that arise here.....first, nothing is really a surprise and everything is set clearly in front of the reader. We all know that the father dies and is killed by Smerdyakov. However, dimitri is framed for the murder and suffers. It is here in his suffering that he finds happiness and inner solace. anyway, my main focus here is Ivan, the second son.
Ivan is an intellectual. he gets an advanced education and upon intellectual thought, he claims to be an athiest. I sympathize with Ivan's character. Even though i think that i have a lot of faith, i see the value of Ivan's character in the book. Ivan represents doubt. He doubts the existence of God when he sees the baser qualities in man. Ivan believes that children are innocent and he sees them having to work and suffer. It bothers him and he cannot understand why children would have to suffer like that when God exists. Now, as a Hindu, i can explain based on my religious beliefs. however, Ivan is Russian Orthodox and the problem lies there because there really is no explanation there. One has to understand, even though Ivan is seen as bad because he is an athiest, he is not selfish, nor is he really a bad person. He is just aloof. Anyway, he rejects God because of this. I hope this isn't blasphemous.
So before dimitri is framed for the murder of his father, Ivan and Alyosha have a discussion. Ivan speaks of a poem he wrote...The Grand Inquisitor. the poem is set in 16th century spain where Jesus appears in a town and he is walking through the streets performing miracles of all kinds. The people of the church see this and Jesus is captured and put into a dungeon-like prison. Later on, in the night, he gets a visit from a man who we know as the Grand Inquisitor. so the Inquisitor is there telling him the reasons why he would be executed the next day.
It follows that the Inquisitor tells him that he should have done what Satan had asked him to do when he was tempted the three times because he left humans with the burden of free will and they did not really know what to do with it. That is a very profound statement. Now here is where Dostoevsky took this.....When Christ was told to make the stones turn into bread, he should have turned them into bread because humans value security from hunger more than they care to "not live by bread alone." Then when he was asked to stand from a pinnacle and jump off and have the angels from heaven save him, he should have jumped because then humans would have satisfied their need to have a miracle and would follow him blindly. then finally, when he was told that he could have all the kingdoms of the world, he should have taken it because then, humans would be happy following someone and being told what to do.
Ivan's point is valid. we all have free will and yet, we never take the time to exercise it. we never really care to search for anything deeper than what and where we are at the present time. how often do we really decide to look within? And yes, if i see children suffering, it will pull at the strings of my heart. it is heartbreaking even if there is an explanation for it. but the thing is Ivan's philosophies of rejecting God were all empty. he was really in a state of doubt.
so back to the Grand Inquisitor....he is really a high priest. he tells Jesus that he is doing the job that Satan asked Jesus to do because he sees that humans need to have miracles, someone to think for them and someone to follow. It may sound harsh, but it is true.....so the inquisitor goes on to say that if Jesus came back and claimed the people, he would take away the position of the church so it was for that reason he needed to be executed. when the inquisitor is done speaking, Jesus kisses him on his lips (remember...it's a Russian story...men kiss each other on the lips...it's normal). The inquisitor is a bit taken aback and he decides to let Jesus go with the promise that he will never return to the town again. When Ivan is finished with his story, Alyosha gives him a kiss as well.
Now this is where the thinking lies.....I have been in limbo for the longest time now. I guess it started earlier this year and the thought just kept buliding. No, i do not need a priest to say prayers for me. I am in the process of eliminating the middle-man. i love the temple. I love going and just sitting there....just to stare at the murtis. it gives me great joy to see them dressed up there. i sit and take in all the details and then redraw the pictures in my mind. but for me to go and listen to someone read and preach to me, i cannot do it. i refuse to be told what to do by anyone...maybe sometimes, i will listen to the readings but i will not have anyone tell me what to do as to my relationship with a higher being. That is where the line is drawn. A real man does not talk about his conversations with his wife to other people. likewise, i will not speak of what my relationship is with a supreme being. maybe i am stubborn. but then again maybe i am a person who has found a friend and doesnt want to share my friend with anyone else for fear of losing the attention.
In the book, it is mentioned...if Jesus really came back, how many of us would know that it was him? Would we reject him because we are blindly following some man-made principles? would we recognize him? i guess this may be my biggest fear. and here again is a dilemma. what do i keep and what do i reject? there are many things that i hold dear to me in my religion....i identify with many of its principles and yet, there are some that i reject. then again, that is the beauty of Hinduism...i can exercise free will. i am somewhat wary of authority....like religious/church like authority. I have seen more corruption in the religious elite than what i have seen in the commoners like myself. My guru is the only exception i can think of. and really, if i am willing to learn, i can do a google search and find what i am looking for. I even downloaded the entire Ramayan (Ram Charit Manas version) and i am reading to my heart's content now. I am understanding and i am getting to form my own opinions. I no longer have to rely on someone else's opinion. then that would just be following and i've realized that i would rather make my own dirt path (while reseraching and drawing information and ideas to help me find a way) rather than to walk along someone else's already constructed road. If i stick to it long enough, i will reach there just the same.
there are several questions that arise here.....first, nothing is really a surprise and everything is set clearly in front of the reader. We all know that the father dies and is killed by Smerdyakov. However, dimitri is framed for the murder and suffers. It is here in his suffering that he finds happiness and inner solace. anyway, my main focus here is Ivan, the second son.
Ivan is an intellectual. he gets an advanced education and upon intellectual thought, he claims to be an athiest. I sympathize with Ivan's character. Even though i think that i have a lot of faith, i see the value of Ivan's character in the book. Ivan represents doubt. He doubts the existence of God when he sees the baser qualities in man. Ivan believes that children are innocent and he sees them having to work and suffer. It bothers him and he cannot understand why children would have to suffer like that when God exists. Now, as a Hindu, i can explain based on my religious beliefs. however, Ivan is Russian Orthodox and the problem lies there because there really is no explanation there. One has to understand, even though Ivan is seen as bad because he is an athiest, he is not selfish, nor is he really a bad person. He is just aloof. Anyway, he rejects God because of this. I hope this isn't blasphemous.
So before dimitri is framed for the murder of his father, Ivan and Alyosha have a discussion. Ivan speaks of a poem he wrote...The Grand Inquisitor. the poem is set in 16th century spain where Jesus appears in a town and he is walking through the streets performing miracles of all kinds. The people of the church see this and Jesus is captured and put into a dungeon-like prison. Later on, in the night, he gets a visit from a man who we know as the Grand Inquisitor. so the Inquisitor is there telling him the reasons why he would be executed the next day.
It follows that the Inquisitor tells him that he should have done what Satan had asked him to do when he was tempted the three times because he left humans with the burden of free will and they did not really know what to do with it. That is a very profound statement. Now here is where Dostoevsky took this.....When Christ was told to make the stones turn into bread, he should have turned them into bread because humans value security from hunger more than they care to "not live by bread alone." Then when he was asked to stand from a pinnacle and jump off and have the angels from heaven save him, he should have jumped because then humans would have satisfied their need to have a miracle and would follow him blindly. then finally, when he was told that he could have all the kingdoms of the world, he should have taken it because then, humans would be happy following someone and being told what to do.
Ivan's point is valid. we all have free will and yet, we never take the time to exercise it. we never really care to search for anything deeper than what and where we are at the present time. how often do we really decide to look within? And yes, if i see children suffering, it will pull at the strings of my heart. it is heartbreaking even if there is an explanation for it. but the thing is Ivan's philosophies of rejecting God were all empty. he was really in a state of doubt.
so back to the Grand Inquisitor....he is really a high priest. he tells Jesus that he is doing the job that Satan asked Jesus to do because he sees that humans need to have miracles, someone to think for them and someone to follow. It may sound harsh, but it is true.....so the inquisitor goes on to say that if Jesus came back and claimed the people, he would take away the position of the church so it was for that reason he needed to be executed. when the inquisitor is done speaking, Jesus kisses him on his lips (remember...it's a Russian story...men kiss each other on the lips...it's normal). The inquisitor is a bit taken aback and he decides to let Jesus go with the promise that he will never return to the town again. When Ivan is finished with his story, Alyosha gives him a kiss as well.
Now this is where the thinking lies.....I have been in limbo for the longest time now. I guess it started earlier this year and the thought just kept buliding. No, i do not need a priest to say prayers for me. I am in the process of eliminating the middle-man. i love the temple. I love going and just sitting there....just to stare at the murtis. it gives me great joy to see them dressed up there. i sit and take in all the details and then redraw the pictures in my mind. but for me to go and listen to someone read and preach to me, i cannot do it. i refuse to be told what to do by anyone...maybe sometimes, i will listen to the readings but i will not have anyone tell me what to do as to my relationship with a higher being. That is where the line is drawn. A real man does not talk about his conversations with his wife to other people. likewise, i will not speak of what my relationship is with a supreme being. maybe i am stubborn. but then again maybe i am a person who has found a friend and doesnt want to share my friend with anyone else for fear of losing the attention.
In the book, it is mentioned...if Jesus really came back, how many of us would know that it was him? Would we reject him because we are blindly following some man-made principles? would we recognize him? i guess this may be my biggest fear. and here again is a dilemma. what do i keep and what do i reject? there are many things that i hold dear to me in my religion....i identify with many of its principles and yet, there are some that i reject. then again, that is the beauty of Hinduism...i can exercise free will. i am somewhat wary of authority....like religious/church like authority. I have seen more corruption in the religious elite than what i have seen in the commoners like myself. My guru is the only exception i can think of. and really, if i am willing to learn, i can do a google search and find what i am looking for. I even downloaded the entire Ramayan (Ram Charit Manas version) and i am reading to my heart's content now. I am understanding and i am getting to form my own opinions. I no longer have to rely on someone else's opinion. then that would just be following and i've realized that i would rather make my own dirt path (while reseraching and drawing information and ideas to help me find a way) rather than to walk along someone else's already constructed road. If i stick to it long enough, i will reach there just the same.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Coming to terms: Remembering Darshit Patel (July 12, 1982-July 13, 2003)
I was reading online today about traffic rules in florida and about drinking and driving and whatever else there was to read. there was good information on the effects of drugs on the brain. of course, the main focus was alcohol but every now and then, my mind drifted to someone. darsh. i miss him. he was a friend that would make you laugh by just seeing him. he was always happy. i remember when i found out that he was dead how it took days to sink in that darsh would not be there with his funny gujrati accent and his hilarious remarks. the thing is darsh died in an accident and when i went to his funeral, the person in the coffin did not resemble darsh....it did not even look close to what he looked like. the smile was fake. anyone who knew darsh would know that. his smile was the first thing everyone noticed about him. it was contagious. even people who claimed to not like him, missed him when he was gone....and in his death, he pulled the entire feuding club community at our college together.
i often meet vishal and we talk about darsh. it pains us to speak of him because darsh was vishal's best friend...and to me, darsh was one of the persons who i looked for in school because he would always do something to make you laugh. all through the readings..my mind wavered to darsh...when he was alive, when i heard the news that he died, and when i went to his funeral...
he was only 21 and everyone who knew him went to his birthday party. we were vacationing with family in jupiter, florida that weekend. when we came back, there was a message on the phone from a club member that we were at odds with and she said that darsh was dead. darsh died the morning after his 21st birthday in a head on collision with a post on the florida turnpike. after seeing him at the funeral, i can never really tell vishal (because i know it would affect him) but i am afraid of being on a major highway...especially at night. i know that he fell asleep at the wheel. he was always tired. that was one thing that he always complained of...never getting enough sleep.
it took me a year and a half later to realize that darsh didnt look like darsh because the people at the funeral home had to remake his face. he looked like a burn victim in the coffin. his color was pasty and it seemed as if he had taken the darshness out of the body that laid there. the animating principle was gone...his soul was already gone. he wasnt wearing his seatbelt when he crashed and he was thrown through the windscreen of the van onto the post. his head hit first. i am not saying this to say anything bad about darsh but from the frankness of the observation. his shoe was on the side of the road and his cell phone was in pieces in the picture. the only comforting thing was that he died on impact.
the monday before he died, we were discussing our plans for later on in life. darsh was different that day. he told me his entire life story and about his life at his uncle's house. he was in love with this girl in miami and he wanted to go to a public university there so he could be closer to her. i remember how nan and i used to tease him about going to see her. he told me that his uncle was very mean to him at times and he had a very rough life at his house. there was something he told me that stood out. almost at the end of our conversation, he told me that if he wanted to leave, everything he ever owned was packed in one little bag in a corner of the room he stayed in and all he had to do was take the bag. all the while, he kept smiling...as if to say that he had overcome his problems and they were only just memories.
i know that he didnt live a long life like many others but his life touched everyone he met. we have a little rock at the college with his name on it and there are some flowers planted around it. it is close to where everyone would hang out and talk to him if we saw him in school and right outside the room we held his memorial service in. sometimes i dont like going back there because the memories come back...but at times, there is great solace in going and looking at this rock with his name on it.
i cannot really understand why i will think of darsh now...lately my mind has been on him. i think i was affected more than i thought and i know that i miss him. i didnt see him much but his presence was greatly appreciated when i did see him. i remember when i first entered FAU, i used to ask the desis if they knew darsh. the other day, i passed the funeral home where we did his service and i thought of him. maybe he sees us all...and he laughs the same way at all of us. the westerners have a philosophy that there are angels that god sends to walk amongst us and cheer us up...and if so, darsh was one of them.
I was reading online today about traffic rules in florida and about drinking and driving and whatever else there was to read. there was good information on the effects of drugs on the brain. of course, the main focus was alcohol but every now and then, my mind drifted to someone. darsh. i miss him. he was a friend that would make you laugh by just seeing him. he was always happy. i remember when i found out that he was dead how it took days to sink in that darsh would not be there with his funny gujrati accent and his hilarious remarks. the thing is darsh died in an accident and when i went to his funeral, the person in the coffin did not resemble darsh....it did not even look close to what he looked like. the smile was fake. anyone who knew darsh would know that. his smile was the first thing everyone noticed about him. it was contagious. even people who claimed to not like him, missed him when he was gone....and in his death, he pulled the entire feuding club community at our college together.
i often meet vishal and we talk about darsh. it pains us to speak of him because darsh was vishal's best friend...and to me, darsh was one of the persons who i looked for in school because he would always do something to make you laugh. all through the readings..my mind wavered to darsh...when he was alive, when i heard the news that he died, and when i went to his funeral...
he was only 21 and everyone who knew him went to his birthday party. we were vacationing with family in jupiter, florida that weekend. when we came back, there was a message on the phone from a club member that we were at odds with and she said that darsh was dead. darsh died the morning after his 21st birthday in a head on collision with a post on the florida turnpike. after seeing him at the funeral, i can never really tell vishal (because i know it would affect him) but i am afraid of being on a major highway...especially at night. i know that he fell asleep at the wheel. he was always tired. that was one thing that he always complained of...never getting enough sleep.
it took me a year and a half later to realize that darsh didnt look like darsh because the people at the funeral home had to remake his face. he looked like a burn victim in the coffin. his color was pasty and it seemed as if he had taken the darshness out of the body that laid there. the animating principle was gone...his soul was already gone. he wasnt wearing his seatbelt when he crashed and he was thrown through the windscreen of the van onto the post. his head hit first. i am not saying this to say anything bad about darsh but from the frankness of the observation. his shoe was on the side of the road and his cell phone was in pieces in the picture. the only comforting thing was that he died on impact.
the monday before he died, we were discussing our plans for later on in life. darsh was different that day. he told me his entire life story and about his life at his uncle's house. he was in love with this girl in miami and he wanted to go to a public university there so he could be closer to her. i remember how nan and i used to tease him about going to see her. he told me that his uncle was very mean to him at times and he had a very rough life at his house. there was something he told me that stood out. almost at the end of our conversation, he told me that if he wanted to leave, everything he ever owned was packed in one little bag in a corner of the room he stayed in and all he had to do was take the bag. all the while, he kept smiling...as if to say that he had overcome his problems and they were only just memories.
i know that he didnt live a long life like many others but his life touched everyone he met. we have a little rock at the college with his name on it and there are some flowers planted around it. it is close to where everyone would hang out and talk to him if we saw him in school and right outside the room we held his memorial service in. sometimes i dont like going back there because the memories come back...but at times, there is great solace in going and looking at this rock with his name on it.
i cannot really understand why i will think of darsh now...lately my mind has been on him. i think i was affected more than i thought and i know that i miss him. i didnt see him much but his presence was greatly appreciated when i did see him. i remember when i first entered FAU, i used to ask the desis if they knew darsh. the other day, i passed the funeral home where we did his service and i thought of him. maybe he sees us all...and he laughs the same way at all of us. the westerners have a philosophy that there are angels that god sends to walk amongst us and cheer us up...and if so, darsh was one of them.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
The Book
A little fellow one day got presented a book
and within it, a pen.
He was told to have a look,
to say whether he liked or no
in order that the pages should go
to a printer's that is...
He opened and scanned
then began a penning,
a change per page.
The white got scratchy and blotchy
but the story got a twist
that could not be missed.
Upon the chapter last,
the author began his address:
"My story you changed,
arranged and signed.
You played upon words mine;
Why pray tell?"
Laddie said, "For this story to sell,
it needed a bell,
a ring to the pen, sir....
I dinna like it, so I changed it."
And the author smiled.
--Vamini R.
2:50-3:07am, Tuesday, January 14, 2003......
A little fellow one day got presented a book
and within it, a pen.
He was told to have a look,
to say whether he liked or no
in order that the pages should go
to a printer's that is...
He opened and scanned
then began a penning,
a change per page.
The white got scratchy and blotchy
but the story got a twist
that could not be missed.
Upon the chapter last,
the author began his address:
"My story you changed,
arranged and signed.
You played upon words mine;
Why pray tell?"
Laddie said, "For this story to sell,
it needed a bell,
a ring to the pen, sir....
I dinna like it, so I changed it."
And the author smiled.
--Vamini R.
2:50-3:07am, Tuesday, January 14, 2003......
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
I wanted to write for the longest time and i felt that i was going crazy while the hurricane passed us. even after it was long gone, it left us without electricity for nine days. it was nine very unusual days though. i documented all of them and i will share them soon. however, i wanted to write of something that i had in mind all the time since i was first introduced to it.
on the night of the hurricane, i read siddhartha from beginning to end. i realized many things while reading the book and even after i am still thinking. i can almost hear the wheels turning in my head...at these times i feel as if my brain is one of those naked watches where you can see the wheels rotating inside...and you can almost hear them if you stop and listen too.
well here's the deal with siddhartha....
it was an exceptional book in that it makes one think long after one has finished reading. it makes you evaluate your presence here and it makes you wonder if you are here to take up space on earth or if each person has a higher aspiration in life that we are oft times diverted from. well there is something else that i was thinking too...my mind is at crossroads and when that happens, you have to stop only long enough to make a decision on what road to take or else before you know it, the roads disappear and you are left in the middle of a forested wood with no roads....
i think this is the root of my restlessness right now.
i was raised in a traditional hindu way and i grew up in ritual hinduism. many times i never really understood what the rituals were meant for but as i grew older, i investigated and saw why they were necessary. however, the problem comes with the promise that L. Krsna gives to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita. He says in ch 4, v. 7-8 that he comes from time to time to reestablish dharma or restore righteousness if there is a threat to dharma....so i understand the purpose of L. Rama and L.Krsna's respective incarnations.....but then why do most Hindus not include L. Buddha when he is the 9th incarnation of L.Vishnu?
L. Buddha lived in the middle ages and at that time the world was in deep turmoil and the blood of many innocent lives were shed in the so-called "name of god" when it was really only to satisfy man's baser qualities. so there was a reincarnation. and the incarnate lived a life that was supposed to set an example. he did not give any scriptural injunctions nor did he say follow me, he left people to choose their path by looking at him and deciding what they would do based on his example. he did not set rules nor did he come to make a new religion. but yet, there is a new religion formed...he came to set hinduism right.....i guess. he showed us that the rituals needed to be performed upon ourselves and that god dwelled within us and we would realize the supreme within ourselves if we persisted and persevered....
sanatan dharma is deeply intertwined within the culture of the hindus and the hindu culture was formed in the ancient times....just like the other ancient civilizations like the mayas and the aztec that are no longer alive today...we see societal structures like theirs in our hinduism...so when and where do we distinguish religion from culture...when do we realize that there are some things that are not really needed that exist today and prevent us from truly realizing our supreme goals in life?...as a hindu, it is here i decide which road i walk...whether i walk the road of the hindus, or as a hindu, i walk my own road with the guidance of my inner being..........isn't this what hinduism really is....our interpretation and our version of what we think the supreme really is...and when we finally choose a path, we stick to that path and concentrate on it until the seeds split and eventually a tree with fruits replaces it?
on the night of the hurricane, i read siddhartha from beginning to end. i realized many things while reading the book and even after i am still thinking. i can almost hear the wheels turning in my head...at these times i feel as if my brain is one of those naked watches where you can see the wheels rotating inside...and you can almost hear them if you stop and listen too.
well here's the deal with siddhartha....
it was an exceptional book in that it makes one think long after one has finished reading. it makes you evaluate your presence here and it makes you wonder if you are here to take up space on earth or if each person has a higher aspiration in life that we are oft times diverted from. well there is something else that i was thinking too...my mind is at crossroads and when that happens, you have to stop only long enough to make a decision on what road to take or else before you know it, the roads disappear and you are left in the middle of a forested wood with no roads....
i think this is the root of my restlessness right now.
i was raised in a traditional hindu way and i grew up in ritual hinduism. many times i never really understood what the rituals were meant for but as i grew older, i investigated and saw why they were necessary. however, the problem comes with the promise that L. Krsna gives to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita. He says in ch 4, v. 7-8 that he comes from time to time to reestablish dharma or restore righteousness if there is a threat to dharma....so i understand the purpose of L. Rama and L.Krsna's respective incarnations.....but then why do most Hindus not include L. Buddha when he is the 9th incarnation of L.Vishnu?
L. Buddha lived in the middle ages and at that time the world was in deep turmoil and the blood of many innocent lives were shed in the so-called "name of god" when it was really only to satisfy man's baser qualities. so there was a reincarnation. and the incarnate lived a life that was supposed to set an example. he did not give any scriptural injunctions nor did he say follow me, he left people to choose their path by looking at him and deciding what they would do based on his example. he did not set rules nor did he come to make a new religion. but yet, there is a new religion formed...he came to set hinduism right.....i guess. he showed us that the rituals needed to be performed upon ourselves and that god dwelled within us and we would realize the supreme within ourselves if we persisted and persevered....
sanatan dharma is deeply intertwined within the culture of the hindus and the hindu culture was formed in the ancient times....just like the other ancient civilizations like the mayas and the aztec that are no longer alive today...we see societal structures like theirs in our hinduism...so when and where do we distinguish religion from culture...when do we realize that there are some things that are not really needed that exist today and prevent us from truly realizing our supreme goals in life?...as a hindu, it is here i decide which road i walk...whether i walk the road of the hindus, or as a hindu, i walk my own road with the guidance of my inner being..........isn't this what hinduism really is....our interpretation and our version of what we think the supreme really is...and when we finally choose a path, we stick to that path and concentrate on it until the seeds split and eventually a tree with fruits replaces it?
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Today i met my high school friend. she reminded me of the value of friendship and what it meant to have someone who would just be there to listen. it is good to keep friends..no matter how old one is. we were like two old ladies catching up on our lives. it is amazing how much we think alike. i guess she is another similar soul. maybe old souls have a way of recognizing each other but my conversation with her did a lot for my easing my mind. i was a little bit depressed lately and it seemed that i was alone with it but she helped me. i guess i just needed someone who knew me from a while back to listen to me. there is nothing as beautiful as a friendship that is made for the sake of being friends. it is one of the purest forms of love that there is and maybe that is why it can transcend even religious barriers...because it is one of the closest things to perfection and therefore, the divine. basically, there are a few things that can give me inner peace and i realized that this friendship sets my mind at ease all the time and it really makes me feel stronger when i talk to my friend. she offers good advice and she is truly a valuable person...even if we only see each other once or twice a year, when we meet again, we talk for so long that in the end, it seems as if we were never apart. i guess this is what friendship is supposed to be like and i am happy that i have found friends like this in my life...what a dull life it would have been otherwise! and even though my ultimate goal is to merge again in the supreme, i guess that along the way, the journey would be smoother with friends walking with me.
Vami.
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