Thoughts during and after reading the beginning of "Hot, Flat, and Crowded"

I think I have just found the reason why I chose to find my facts in fiction when it came to writing. Maybe to read the real thing becomes too depressing but there comes a time, when people need to take their heads out of the sand and face what is around them. Thomas Friedman is the author of this book and for anyone wanting to understand what really happened to the US and the world concerning the financial sh*thole we found ourselves in, I suggest reading this book. It is alarming, depressing, and relevant.
I am not concerned as much with the financial market as much as I am concerned about education and what is happening in this field. Actually, I am worried about the financial market because unlike the people who got caught up in the buying frenzy and spending beyond their means frenzy, I was in the middle of going to school, skipping class to study for the same class, saving money, paying for school, and buying overpriced textbooks while earning $90/week while people were buying houses they couldn't afford and thinking that they had purchasing power when in reality, they didn't. Here's how it bothers me....Now, it's the hardest thing to find a house because no one ever really sat down and said to themselves, "Self, do you really think you can pay a $300000 and upwards mortgage on a house that doesn't look as if it cost $100000 to build when you are only earning less than $30000???" Holy crap! That's one-freaking-tenth! How long does it take to realize that one is living beyond one's means? I remember while working at the store years ago, I asked a newly licensed realtor if he didn't see that the prices of houses were inflated drastically. He answered, "no." I guess this can be a modification of what they call the "tragedy of the commons" where people only see the short-term benefit and disregard the long-term consequence.
"Hot, Flat, and Crowded" is helping me understand the politics of it all and I am also brainstorming while reading. See, the book was a suggested reading present from the principal of my school. We are working on introducing a new innovative global academy program that will focus on teaching kids the skills necessary to survive in today's and tomorrow's world. I was given the privilege to work with two other teachers in the research component of the program and design a curriculum from the ground up. It's a little bit daunting and the planning part is always at the back of my head. I am thinking of all the things the kids need to learn and how we can show a final product based on the topic we chose. And, I am not a multi-tasker! Actually, I don't subscribe to the notion of doing several tasks at once...you always run the risk of not doing something well enough.
Now Friedman mentioned education and how the US lags behind. Honestly, I do not think anyone can really understand how dire these circumstances are unless they teach or have taught in a public school. Sometimes, I am amazed at the madness that surrounds me. I see how the system has failed. There is an enormous amount of politics at play and little regard for the kids and what they learn.Sometimes, I wonder if the people outside the classroom have been outside the classroom for too long. I hear them come up with ideas that don't even look good on paper and leave you wondering where the heck the logic came from. I hear teachers with a PhD. in education saying that they give students group tests! I see how technology has harmed these kids more than helped them. I see how these schools are churning out masses of blue collared workers while society is increasingly demanding white-collared jobs.
I see a system that has coddled kids rather than strengthened their minds. I see a system that enabled helplessness. It's not even the question that everywhere has the same problem but the numbers still show that the US is behind. And if dunceness is on the rampage in all countries, does that mean that we lead in dunceness? How is it that we have everything provided, books, equipment, air-conditioned classrooms, pens, pencils (sharpened pencils), paper, internet access, computer carts, and we still lag behind? The curriculum has changed so much from when I was in school 10 years ago! Kids are ruder and they get away with the behavior most of the time so there is no change in attitude. They walk around and argue that they cannot think without the Ipods on, they refuse to put away the cell phone or turn off the game that they are playing, and they make fun of studying and doing well on an exam. Whose fault is this?
Since I've been teaching, I've befriended two people. One of them is an older teacher...on his last years in the field and considering whether to retire or not. So far, we (me and the other friend I have) have managed to convince him to stick around....for our sanity. I have a lot of respect for this teacher. He has been in the system since the 70s and he knew of a time when the US led the world in K-12 education. He can talk about what happened and when it happened. He gives me the most hope and I think that is why he is so important. It's funny how people walk into your lives but I see now, as he is nearing the end of his career, how instrumental he was/is in my development as a teacher. In the beginning, I used to go to him to be reassured that I wasn't the only one who thought something was wrong with the system. There's a story about a king ruling over a crazy kingdom and after a while of being in the madness, surrounded by it, he starts to believe that everyone else is sane and he is the crazy one. To see an old teacher in the schools today is an anomaly. They care enough to want to teach the kids in the way that they have always done it, strict discipline and hard work, and they were around long enough to know that their way worked better than today's method of coddling the kids and in essence lying to them.
Don't get me wrong, there are a handful of kids that make it worth the while and for the most part, the kids are nice. They are fun to work with but the sad thing is that even though they are nice, they are lacking in the basic skills they need to begin on the road towards a college degree. Teaching is nice, I love it but there are many things wrong with the system. I don't believe that we are helping children when we tell them that they have done a great job when in fact the work they have produced is mediocre. This will harm them and inhibit their growth. The culture of today is like this: Do only what is necessary to get the C...or in some cases, the D. I am not saying that you have to insult the child but there is nothing wrong with constructive criticism. This doesn't harm anyone's psyche. Let me not get into psychology though...that will be another day. In this way, if something is done really well, it can be truly appreciated. This education ship has sunk and is now scraping the bottom. I guess it is time to rise up again but it has to be united. Parents, teachers, policymakers, administration, and kids need to be united in order for this to work. Until then, I cannot understand why is it that there are reading classes in high school. I thought that after 1st grade you already knew how to read and you were doing comprehension and language arts/english. How is it that even in college, there are reading classes? Somebody help me pick sense from nonsense here!

"The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown

There has been much to talk about since this book was written. All of a sudden, everyone is talking about a big conspiracy and the Divine Feminine. Really now, Dan Brown only wrote on a topic that was lying out there for a long time. I guess as humans, we needed someone to cause a little confusion about the book before we took the time to read.
Well I bought this book at WalMart for less than $5 and it is one of the best $5 i have ever spent in my life! maybe they should quote that! Not often do we get presented the opportunity to buy something that we are able to soak up as much information from like i was able to from this book. Actually kept the book for a while on my desk before i was able to begin reading it. I was apprehensive at first because i did not know if i was ready to read a book that so many people had a problem with. maybe i was not curious enough. in trinidad, we would say, " i was not in a bacchanalist kinda mood." so anyway, i also told myself when i finally resolved to read the book that i was not going to form an opinion. little did i know that the book was based on my beliefs!
As a Hindu, I believe in the Divine Feminine. I believe that She is necessary to complete the Divine Masculine. It was not hard for me to agree with Dan Brown's ideas in The Da Vinci Code. In fact, for me, it will be easier for me to accept that Jesus was really married and that He did father a child. I believe that He existed and his soul was more spiritually advanced than mine. i do not believe in an original sin though. That will mean that we are tainted. I believe that our souls are Divine and we can attain perfection. To say that i am paying for a sin that was commmitted by the first man and woman is saying that in my life, there is no hope for me. that is something that i will not accept. what is part of the whole is considered the whole...and we may be part but that part is our chance at reaching perfection. and one other thing, if Jesus died for us and because of our sins, doesn't that include the Original sin? and if so, why do we still blame all our troubles and lack of attaining perfection on the Original Sin? are we just trying to say that we are humans and therefore, we are incapable of doing anything right, far less for reaching an advanced state for our souls?
now the book. it is a really intriguing novel. there is more fact than fiction in there. the only fiction is really the murder of jacques sauniere and the run from the police. otherwise, there is a lot of historical references and lots to learn. an art fanatic will have a fun time with this book. throw in a little love for cryptics and a head for a mystery story and you will defintely have a ball! I always remember a guy from high school saying, "Mary Magdalene was a whore!" the statement came from the kid with so much conviction and the only thing that went through my head was, "Look at this stupid idiot! wonder how he knew she was a whore!" always thought that there was something wrong there. it never fitted in right with the gospels. okay, we have a leper, we have a blind man and we have a whore. very fitting that we have a woman and on top of all that she is a whore too! kinda sends all women through the ground. especially when women are made to believe that they are unclean and unholy. I never really understood why it was such a big deal especially when men still pay a lot of money to be entertained. No one is damned. one cannot sell what is not theirs and our souls are not ours. we cannot damn what does not belong to us. by the way, i never think that i will forget that kid's name. he's a grown man now and he probably still thinks the same way he did back in high school. he's been indoctrinated real well!
so now, yes, i really think that the Holy Grail was more than just a cup. It will be really impractical to think that many a war was fought for a cup. or maybe that was just what happens when a world ruled by men is made to suffer for their boredom! And as for the book, it is not a book for the narrow minded ones. for someone open to learning, they will have much to learn from this book. it is worth the time and the money!

"Veronika Decides to Die" by Paulo Coelho

Seems as if i am stuck on this author. For the moment, I am. There is promise in Coelho's writing and really, he is very good. and when i read a book that i like, i usually read another one by the same author.
Veronika Decides to Die is the third book i have read by Coelho and really, it is a good read. makes one think really. As usual, Furgie has not read this one as yet but she has finished reading Eleven Minutes. I will just ask her not to read this blog. By the way, she did like the same places of Eleven Minutes that i liked.
Okay, so the synopsis....Veronika is a 24 year old woman in Slovenia who takes a bunch of sleeping pills one morning because she has decided to die. The only thing is that she wakes up in a mental instutition called Villette. She finds out that she did not die right away (duh!) but she is told that one of her ventricles suffered necrosis and she will soon die...within a week. so with her days numbered (what a cliche) she begins to finally really live her life. she is not worried about being proper and following the rules of society because after all, she is instutionalized.
There are other side stories in the book. apart from Veronika, there are three other characters who help Veronika discover the meaning of life. there is zedka (suffering from depression), mari (who has anxiety attacks), and eduard (the schizophrenic). I like eduard most...although all of them are really strong characters.
I guess one of the main questions from the book is what will you do if your days are numbered? Well really they are.....it is the only certainty that we have once we accept the fact that we are born...but often times, we live as if we have an entire lifetime to do things when in reality, each day we live, we come closer to death. we become so illusioned and tangled in a web of "living" in society...and following norms that we make it our only reality. so how much of a difference does it make if someone told us that we were only going to live for one week for the most? what will we do differently?
well really, Veronika is not keen on living in the beginning but in the end, she grows to love life but she accepts that she will die at any minute and she resolves to being happy when she dies. she falls in love with eduard who is totally coherent.....we find that out. then there is dr. Igor. He has been experimenting on his patients all along and we find out in the end that the heart attack symptoms that Veronika has been having are brought about by injections that he has been giving her under the claim that they are her medicine. Really, Veronika's heart is strong. nothing has been damaged and we find that out in the end, right before the entire research of Dr.Igor is put in the light.
I've found out that this was another true story. my question was: I wonder if Veronika found out soon after that she was healthy and not going to die?
I liked this book more than Eleven Minutes. Maybe it is because of the psychiatry involved but it is worth the time i took to read it. really, it was not a long time (not big like Brother's Karamazov) and it is always a good thing to know that we can take time away from work/school/everyday life to travel into the other worlds that literature takes us to.


Several months later: June 24th, 2006...

Nan finally finished reading this book. she made an interesting point. Dr. Igor cured Veronika. he is a psychiatrist. in giving her a placebo, he made her want to live by letting her believe that she had but a few days. Maybe she never found out that her heart was strong but she would always live each day as if it were her last. In this way, Igor cured Veronika. maybe it was not intended but I am guessing that if a sequel is ever written, no one from Villette will go in search of Eduard and Veronika. that much i am sure of.

"Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Coelho

This is yet another book about awakening. The book begins in a very unusual way: "Once upon a time, there was a prostitute called Maria." Very interesting and even from those first lines to the last lines of the book, Coelho keeps the reader interested in Maria's story. It is based on a true story but i only knew that until i read the very last line of the book. I guess it is a common story but with a higher meaning, yet it is unique.
What i liked most about the book was the diary that Maria kept. there were some very meaningful things said in there. Very true when you stop to think and i stopped to think.
It takes the reader through Maria's childhood and how she became a prostitute to when she falls in love and is released from the life she lived. i liked the title...after i realized what it meant. eleven minutes was the actual time maria calculated for the act of intercourse to last. At the point where Maria and Ralf consummate their love, one thinks of the scene in "the shawshank redemption" where Tim Robbins has just escaped from the prison and he stands in the rain and raises his hands up to the sky-a redemption. in short, "eleven minutes" does not carry as much clout as "the alchemist" but in it, one sees that maria's attitude is one of a fighter. she does not believe she is a victim. it is worth the read.

"The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho

I've always believed that you learn lessons only when your mind is open to receiving the message. It happened for of the most influential books of my life. I mean, the books that are capable of bringing about mental reform. One was "Autobiography of a Yogi, " and the other was "Siddhartha." Both books, i started reading and put them down without finishing. It was only until years later that i reread them and was able to get the full meaning of the books. They are the books you read and when you are on the last page, you wish if more pages will miraculously appear but you know that you have gotten the message and in your heart, you will never think the same anymore.
"The Alchemist" is now one of these books. I was told about this book a while back and actually searched the university library and the college library and could not find it. yesterday, i walked into a bookshop in the mall and i was looking for it. i was about to leave when i saw the book on the bottom shelf hidden amongst other Paulo Coelho books. figured that if i had "Autobiography of a Yogi," "Siddhartha," and "The Little Prince," i might as well buy this book too. Then i can underline or write where i wanted to. Well i finished reading it today...and it carries a message, pretty much like "Siddhartha" did but written in a different style. it is a book that is worth reading. It is all i can say because furgie has not read the book yet and i cannot tell her anything else about it.
there were places in this book, i stopped, reread, thought, got up and walked about thinking, then i sat down back again and read until i was done. the book sums up Hindu philosophy in a beautiful way. it makes it simplified. i liked Santiago's reply to the englishman who was aspiring to be an alchemist. when he gave Santiago his books to read and Santiago told him that all of the writings in the books could have been simplified to being written on one emerald tablet. how often we make things complicated! i will edit this blog later on when furgie reads the book. for now, i cannot say anything of the alchemist. i know that we will analyze this book to the last drop when she is done. and hopefully my dad will read it...more input. in the meantime, i will talk to the person who recommended it. i am grateful.

Crime and Punishment....another Dostoevsky classic....and Life

I've begun reading a much smaller Dostoevsky novel called Crime and Punishment. It is a classic as well and i am enjoying the smell of the book too. So far, i haven't progressed much into the novel to give a sound opinion but it is interesting. I know it because it has been two days since i last read and i am still thinking about what will happen next. what amazes me about Dostoevsky is his ability to write large novels like The Brothers Karamazov with what was probably only a pen and paper. I doubt very much that a typewriter was invented in his time. he was mid 1800s.
I am happy now...Nan is reading the book but she is a bit apprehensive. it has been a while since she read a big book the likes of Brothers Karamazov. she will like it though. I know her taste. and she will feel the same sinking feeling in the end and i guess like most people who love reading for the sake of analyzing the books, she will long to read the sequel novel that Dostoevsky never wrote.
Crime and Punishment is a promising book. I look forward to reading.
Now about my life.....We have been praying for my uncle's departed soul for the last few days and we have found solace in it. Mummy no longer cries as much and I guess we have accepted his death. It will still remain with us...the loss that is...for a while but eventually, we will remember him for the life he lived.
Before we heard the news, i had spent lots of time at the malls shopping for presents. a few days before christmas, i saw my ex-boyfriend after 2 and 1/2 years. i recognized him because his dress style has not changed at all for that long time. meanwhile, i have evolved from track pants and t-shirts to dresses, skirts, jeans and blouses...now that i look back on that relationship, i guess i never really put the effort into it....not even for something as simple as dressing like a girl. anyway, i was looking at shoes in Dillards when i looked up in time to see his sister pointing at me. he saw me too. my reaction was what surprised me. i froze and i could feel my heart pounding against my ribs. ami took my hand and led me out of the store. in the parking lot, he said that he didn't want to stay before the ex said something and there was trouble. i know that i was over the ex because i didnt feel anything....no love, no hate...nothing except maybe fear. what surprised me was that i was afraid of him after so long. hopefully, one day i will overcome this. really, i guess he only lives 2 miles away from where i do but i managed to not see him for so long that i thought that he had literally fallen off the face of the earth. or maybe he was visiting for christmas. whatever it was, i do not take pleasure in seeing him.
ami came over after work tonight. there is precious little things that i can cook that tastes good enough for him, or anyone for that matter, to eat. however, i can make these little "empanada-like" things that he likes. i guess the thing that makes it taste good is the cheese. cheese has a way of making food taste better. at least in america. i am indian but the only spices i like are the ones that are associated with the sweet foods. not really a fan of the spicy spices. but i considered the health part of the equation. i did not fry the "pies" but i baked them in the toaster oven with the littlest amount of butter i could possibly use. there was olives in the "pies" and the dough had flaxseeds. both are good to control cholesterol. well ami liked them. i felt like how one of those cooks on the food networks feel when people enjoy their food=0) yeah right! i have a long way to go. cooking is not really my thing and i am still a long way from wanting to make it my thing! until then, there is frozen broccolli and cheese that i can microwave for 1 minute!!!!!

Winding down with Dostoevsky's "The Brothers Karamazov"

It's coming down to the last few chapters of my 1045 page novel now. Here i find that i must mention the name of the translator...Konstantin Mucholsky...because i've seen various interpretions and some of the words are translated into english differently. That's why it's always better to read a book in the original language...but for people like me, who can only understand one language fluently and i struggle with two others, english will have to do. At least, i was able to get the main idea of the novel.
Dostoevsky made a masterpiece. One can only read and marvel at his precision with regard to human nature. he hit the nail on the head! Now, i am on the trial of Dmitry Karamazov. The book is tragic...i think... but there is redemption. Alyosha is a sweetheart and even if people describe the Karamazov brothers as having the bad traits of their father, Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov, one cannot help loving them because deep down, they are present in all of us. I cannot really understand how Dostoevsky was able to do it so well but he took certain human qualities and he separated them into three brothers and even the worst qualities, we can identify with them. we all doubt, we are all ruled by our senses at one time or the other, and we all have bountless reserves of faith. therefore, we are all Ivans, Dmitrys and Alyoshas, respectively.
another point for this book is that we already know what is going to happen....the narrator does not hold back the plot but it is the thoughts of the people that surprises us when we read this book. we read because we are interested in the thinking process of the characters and not what eventually happens. dostoevsky could have made a mystery out of the murder and not let us know that smerdyakov was the murderer but instead, he let us know. the mystery comes from the thoughts of these three karamazov brothers. we read because we want to know of what they will think. and if they will become close....and yes, it is happening....alyosha, the darling, is the linker in the book. even the worst of people love him.
on a more trivial note, i love the smell of books. sometimes i just open the book to smell how the pages smell. yes, many people may think i am a wierdo but from as long as i can remember, it is the first thing i do when i open a book. see, novels smell different from college books. and test papers smell different from novels and college books. then, there's the newspapers that have their own smell and the magazines that have a faint plastic smell. so everytime i read from this book, i smell it before i begin reading. i've tried so hard not to write or underline even though i have been tempted so many times while reading. that's one little accomplishment because to reach to almost the end and not do it, is something unheard of for me.
i could have finished reading this book a long time ago...but i put it down several times to take in all of what i read. then i have been delaying the finale because i don't want it to end. i feel a little bit sad...like how i felt when i read "Autobiography of a Yogi" and i did not want to read the last lines because it would mean that i was done reading the book. it's worth rereading though. there are many things to learn. kudos to Kenny who recommended this book to me.
really, i should be studying for the MCATs and i will...i just felt that i needed a break from the whole academic thing. so after i am done with Karamazov, i will go back to the world of academia. until then, i will be learning about life from the non-academic side.....

The Grand Inquisitor....really now, i need to scribble because my mind is working overtime....

There is a novel that was recommended to me a long time ago by an acquaintance when i went to the community college. It's called The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky. While i have previously read Tolstoy's works and loved them, i found that this book appealed to me on a human/intellectual basis. Dostoevsky, to me, seemed to be fighting his inner demons when he wrote this novel...and i wish now if he had finished the sequel to Karamazov before he died. there are many instances where intellectual discussion arose in this book but there was something that Dostoevsky said that really got through to me. In the book, there are three brothers and a step-brother along with the father. The eldest is Dimitri, by his first wife, then there are Ivan and Alyosha by his second wife, and finally Smerdyakov by a mentally retarded woman that the father rapes while he is drunk. All of the brothers personify a human quality....or even in psychology, we can say that the legitimate brothers represent the id, the ego, and the superego. Ivan being the id, Dimitri being the ego, and Alyosha being the superego. Smerdyakov personifies evil in the novel.
there are several questions that arise here.....first, nothing is really a surprise and everything is set clearly in front of the reader. We all know that the father dies and is killed by Smerdyakov. However, dimitri is framed for the murder and suffers. It is here in his suffering that he finds happiness and inner solace. anyway, my main focus here is Ivan, the second son.
Ivan is an intellectual. he gets an advanced education and upon intellectual thought, he claims to be an athiest. I sympathize with Ivan's character. Even though i think that i have a lot of faith, i see the value of Ivan's character in the book. Ivan represents doubt. He doubts the existence of God when he sees the baser qualities in man. Ivan believes that children are innocent and he sees them having to work and suffer. It bothers him and he cannot understand why children would have to suffer like that when God exists. Now, as a Hindu, i can explain based on my religious beliefs. however, Ivan is Russian Orthodox and the problem lies there because there really is no explanation there. One has to understand, even though Ivan is seen as bad because he is an athiest, he is not selfish, nor is he really a bad person. He is just aloof. Anyway, he rejects God because of this. I hope this isn't blasphemous.
So before dimitri is framed for the murder of his father, Ivan and Alyosha have a discussion. Ivan speaks of a poem he wrote...The Grand Inquisitor. the poem is set in 16th century spain where Jesus appears in a town and he is walking through the streets performing miracles of all kinds. The people of the church see this and Jesus is captured and put into a dungeon-like prison. Later on, in the night, he gets a visit from a man who we know as the Grand Inquisitor. so the Inquisitor is there telling him the reasons why he would be executed the next day.
It follows that the Inquisitor tells him that he should have done what Satan had asked him to do when he was tempted the three times because he left humans with the burden of free will and they did not really know what to do with it. That is a very profound statement. Now here is where Dostoevsky took this.....When Christ was told to make the stones turn into bread, he should have turned them into bread because humans value security from hunger more than they care to "not live by bread alone." Then when he was asked to stand from a pinnacle and jump off and have the angels from heaven save him, he should have jumped because then humans would have satisfied their need to have a miracle and would follow him blindly. then finally, when he was told that he could have all the kingdoms of the world, he should have taken it because then, humans would be happy following someone and being told what to do.
Ivan's point is valid. we all have free will and yet, we never take the time to exercise it. we never really care to search for anything deeper than what and where we are at the present time. how often do we really decide to look within? And yes, if i see children suffering, it will pull at the strings of my heart. it is heartbreaking even if there is an explanation for it. but the thing is Ivan's philosophies of rejecting God were all empty. he was really in a state of doubt.
so back to the Grand Inquisitor....he is really a high priest. he tells Jesus that he is doing the job that Satan asked Jesus to do because he sees that humans need to have miracles, someone to think for them and someone to follow. It may sound harsh, but it is true.....so the inquisitor goes on to say that if Jesus came back and claimed the people, he would take away the position of the church so it was for that reason he needed to be executed. when the inquisitor is done speaking, Jesus kisses him on his lips (remember...it's a Russian story...men kiss each other on the lips...it's normal). The inquisitor is a bit taken aback and he decides to let Jesus go with the promise that he will never return to the town again. When Ivan is finished with his story, Alyosha gives him a kiss as well.
Now this is where the thinking lies.....I have been in limbo for the longest time now. I guess it started earlier this year and the thought just kept buliding. No, i do not need a priest to say prayers for me. I am in the process of eliminating the middle-man. i love the temple. I love going and just sitting there....just to stare at the murtis. it gives me great joy to see them dressed up there. i sit and take in all the details and then redraw the pictures in my mind. but for me to go and listen to someone read and preach to me, i cannot do it. i refuse to be told what to do by anyone...maybe sometimes, i will listen to the readings but i will not have anyone tell me what to do as to my relationship with a higher being. That is where the line is drawn. A real man does not talk about his conversations with his wife to other people. likewise, i will not speak of what my relationship is with a supreme being. maybe i am stubborn. but then again maybe i am a person who has found a friend and doesnt want to share my friend with anyone else for fear of losing the attention.
In the book, it is mentioned...if Jesus really came back, how many of us would know that it was him? Would we reject him because we are blindly following some man-made principles? would we recognize him? i guess this may be my biggest fear. and here again is a dilemma. what do i keep and what do i reject? there are many things that i hold dear to me in my religion....i identify with many of its principles and yet, there are some that i reject. then again, that is the beauty of Hinduism...i can exercise free will. i am somewhat wary of authority....like religious/church like authority. I have seen more corruption in the religious elite than what i have seen in the commoners like myself. My guru is the only exception i can think of. and really, if i am willing to learn, i can do a google search and find what i am looking for. I even downloaded the entire Ramayan (Ram Charit Manas version) and i am reading to my heart's content now. I am understanding and i am getting to form my own opinions. I no longer have to rely on someone else's opinion. then that would just be following and i've realized that i would rather make my own dirt path (while reseraching and drawing information and ideas to help me find a way) rather than to walk along someone else's already constructed road. If i stick to it long enough, i will reach there just the same.