October 19, 2008: Lately, it's been a rather difficult thing staying happy when people around you have been suffering.
October 20th, 2009:
I've just read the above statement and realized that maybe I grew up a little more over the past year and one day. I remember when I wrote the above sentence and of what I was thinking when I did.
Last June, six months into my marriage and a mere two months after a second cousin who I had cared for as a baby died, I got the news that the cousin closest to me, very much like my brother, had been diagnosed with a very rare but aggressive cancer. At the time when I wrote the sentence, he was very sick because he had gotten the flu after the chemo had weakened his immune system and he was hospitalized. I remember then, the fear I had of losing him.
One year later, sadly, the news are no better and once again, he is tethering on the edge while we all hope for a miracle. For a short time, we thought that he had been cured only to find out that the cancer still thrived in him. I cannot truly begin to sort the range of emotions, very human emotions, I have felt or have been feeling but I am aware of them and observing them. Somehow, somewhere, I learned how to be an onlooker to my own self. I have learned to be happy even while staring misery in the face. Life isn't bad when you see it with the eyes of a student. There is always something to learn and some lessons are learned harder than others and leave a much larger impression.
So no, I no longer think I am fearful of losing him but I am aware of his constant, incessant pain and I pray more than ever that the pain stops.
PS....I cannot remember why I named the blog as I did but nevertheless, the title stays.
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