A different chapter

It seems as if a few posts are missing in between here. Since the last 39 week update, the baby has been born (thankfully)! He came on Christmas Eve, quite a little surprise and yet, not so much a surprise. I was no where ready physically (except for having the usual Braxton Hicks contractions) but I'm guessing it was his time to make his entrance. Compared to what my friends spoke about and the nightmares of throwing up all the time, I had a relatively calm pregnancy. However, right at the very end, the plan of an all natural birth had to change. In fact, I was the first to change my mind and I don't regret it at all.

It ended up being a c-section after the doctors noted some major decelerations in the little guy's heartbeat. The doctor was discussing options that included inducing labor and hoping all goes well or having a c-section (it was my last option). Somewhere in that discussion it hit me that if his heartbeat was slowing that dramatically, then his brain would become starved for oxygen. It was at that point that I asked for the c-section. Turns out that he had gotten his cord around his neck and leg. I am not sure what I expected but it was surreal. They literally tug the baby out of you. I cannot say it hurt but it sure was a lot of tugging and I felt winded, as if I had gotten punched in the chest (not belly), even though I was under some heavy anesthesia. 

The little face surprised me. He was smaller than I expected and much more handsome than I could have ever imagined him to be. He also had a full head of hair. For some reason, I was thinking that he would have been close to 8lbs and he came out weighing under 5lb 12oz. Needless to say, we had to go shopping right after he was born because I had no tiny newborn onesies for him. I had bought everything with the 0-3 months tag. I still used them but in the beginning, he looked as if he was lost in his clothes. In fact, he would have fit in the newborn clothes but he was too long for them. I have yet to see the little rolls and I am guessing that I may not see them because Avi's a little busybody. He's quite active for a little baby and he tries to push himself forward when I put him on his belly. It's hard to believe that he was born only 13 weeks ago! Sometimes it feels as if it was longer.

I started this blog a while ago and stopped at this point. I will continue now. Avi is 6 months.

That brings me to what I have to say about this post pregnancy blues->depression thing. It's no joke. It happens. You have to watch for it and know what it is. I had one close friend who I spoke with all through it. It is a serious matter and no one should have to feel guilty for not being sad. You see, the world expects you to be happy and elated but you are in your own little world with only this baby. Most women stay home in the beginning at least and many times, it's hard to take the baby out and you're mostly alone. You're alone because you don't really feel up to seeing anyone everyday because taking care of  the baby is work and although I like people, I like a lot of alone time. Also, it was the first time in my adult life that I was home for more than 2 months. The house started feeling small. I wanted to be out but I didn't want to leave the baby because I kept thinking that not long ago, he was a part of me.
I did manage to leave the house without the baby while his dad watched him and it felt great. Somehow, you have to do this. The one thing I would say is that I get dressed up a little better now. I think it is important to feel pretty even though you're carrying a little extra weight and maybe a post-pregnancy baby bump still.
Six months have passed and not too long ago, I was driving home and I realized that I was happy and I wanted to be around people again. I think while you need to talk, you also need time to get used to the change...emotionally. I didn't realize it but although the pregnancy was relatively quiet, my body and mind were also going through major changed of which I was completely oblivious. I will say that the first few months are rough and if you are blue, talk to someone and get out of  the house. I had help and I still felt this way. I am happy to say that it does get better and you do end up enjoying the baby after all.

Mommyhood

Hi,
I'm back. It's been six months since the little guy made his debut into this world. The time is passing. Soon I will go back to work and I am dreading it. I look at him and how he finds me in a room full of people and will smile at me. It breaks my heart. I think this must be the hardest part about being a working mom. The fact is, I don't think that there is any mom who will want to leave her child and go back to work but it's less strained when there's two of us working. Lately, we've been joking about me quitting the first week I go back. We'll see how that goes.
Back to the little guy. He's an absolute joy. I think that his personality is coming out more and more as he is learning to do things. It's strange how he works. In just six months, I've watched him go from being completely helpless to striving for his independence as he learns to play with his toys and try to sit up and move on his own. He loves music! Not the loud kind but calm, steady melodies. Lately, the only thing that puts him to sleep is the music box version of "You'll be in my heart," by Phil Collins from Tarzan. Oh, and he's in the teething process. I'm waiting for that little tooth to pop up one of these days. For now, it's a lot of drool and breaking out the bibs.
We've also started him on stage 1 solids. I waited until he was almost 4 months to do this because I wanted to make sure that he was ready for it. He wasn't at first and it was just something I gave him a taste of every other day. Eventually, though, he was ready. He likes his veggies more than the fruits. In the last week, I've started him on oat cereal and he is doing well with that too.I really didn't want to begin with rice cereal because I read that it was constipating. Plus, I like the "healthy," non-powdery look of the oat cereal.
As time goes, I may work backwards and speak about those first few months that all parents seem to go through in a daze. It's an experience. Today, I have bought a little vegan cupcake to celebrate the little guy's half-birthday.

38 weeks

At this point, I'm getting just about ready. I'm not sure if I am the first person to say that they wished that the baby waited until the final paper was submitted but yes, I did say that. Today, I submitted my last final for classes and I'm all game now. Last week the doctor said that there was no progress. Apparently, the little one is comfortable and quite happy where he is. I figured as much. Today I went walking and I could only do a half of what I used to do before but it was still some exercise and I felt much better after I walked. It's a lot better than sitting around the house. Right now, the best part of it all is that people are cheering you on as if it is a little race to some unforeseen finish line. The worst part are those stretch marks that decided to pop up just when I thought I'd escaped them. Aside from reading about what to expect, I have pretty much zoned out everyone's horror stories and I'm keeping myself in a happy state of oblivion. I figure that I'll deal with whatever has to come in a week or two for the most.

While speaking on that topic, that is pretty much what I have come to do with most advice that I get. I know that people mean well but as someone who's excited to be a new parent, I would like to live the experience also. We are quite lucky to have family around but even so, we are both very independent and very territorial. I am not sure how it will play out but I think we just need some time to spend with our little one alone when he is born. I may end up changing my mind but I do believe that I've made the best decision. I'd listen but at the same time, I would like to learn on my own and believe me, relatives and people who've been through it are all too willing to let you know everything. The only thing is that I would rather ask for help if I need it than to feel as if it is imposed on me.

The house is just about ready for a baby welcome. We probably need the weekend coming up to finish up on a few minor details if our little one will allow it. Either way, his room is set up and I've put out the things that I think he will need most once he comes home...the diapering things and the smallest clothes that were gifted to him. It's the cutest thing looking at the tiny little clothes and thinking of the little person that will be fitting in them soon enough. It's a very warm feeling you get.

Lastly, it took us a while to decide on a name. We've pretty much found one but I have kept it to myself. Admittedly, I've told a little lie whenever anyone asks. Ami has told one or two people but I asked him to stop. I'm not sure why it matters to me to keep it quiet until the little one is born but I think it will be better after we see him and figure out if the name fits. In any case, it will only be a week or two for the most before he's born and everyone knows his name.

Three more weeks...more or less

It's the last three weeks. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I am not sure what to expect and would love to see the little guy's face but at the same time, I'm not sure if we have everything ready for him. Either way, he's not going to stay in me forever and he's going to make his debut sometime this month. My mom and mother-in-law both say that you follow the full moon, three days before or three days after. I'm not sure about any days except that I'm hoping that I get the semester at the university over with and my two pending research papers written and submitted before he's born. I'm not even sure about completing the school semester anymore.
Two weeks ago, I said I felt large. That was before I noticed stretch marks. I really thought that I had escaped them but nope I didn't. They all appeared overnight. I'm sure that they were there but I never noticed them until they became hard to miss. I can definitely say, you'll get them once you reach that point where your skin has maxed out and the baby's still growing....yep, those last few weeks when you think that you've gotten as large as you can but nature doesn't. I am definitely larger and I sure feel it. It's gotten a bit uncomfortable to maneuver around with the little guy because you just can't get up in a hurry or turn over or roll off the bed as easily as it used to be. Now, they're all these antics involved.
I cannot wait to wear non-maternity clothes and I'm pretty sure I'll throw out half of the things I wore during this time. I would love to wear my favorite pair of jeans once again. Haven't been able to fit into them since I was about 12 weeks. With all that being said though, I'm not sure if I'm tired of being pregnant. Some women are through as soon as they're 35-36 weeks but I enjoyed the little guy. He is a good guest and he's fun when he moves. I look forward to his movements. They're predictable and he never kicked a lot. He just loves to move around and stretch his legs:)
In the last two to three weeks, Ami has moved into a new role. He's become over-protective and his energies are focused on the baby. He's begun to "nest." He wants the house to be perfect for the baby and I try to tell him that the little guy will not care or notice anything but that's Ami's nature. He's a doer and this is a project that is taking all of his energies. In some ways, I can see how he draws more strength from his work and constantly being on the go. Ami has sought out to fix anything that is involved in the baby's life, from taking care of his clothes and storing them to making sure that he's safe when I drive him around. He's set up the baby's room and even went on to add crown moulding and larger baseboards while making sure that all the colors are matching in the room. It's a nice thing to watch and I am not going to intervene. I'll let him enjoy himself. In the meantime, I will cherish these last few days where we are and aren't yet a family. 

35 weeks and counting

A great deal of time has passed since the last blog. I went from not having much to do in the summer to being so incredibly busy that I cannot really keep up. Since then, I've found out the gender of the baby. It's a boy and I've gotten incredibly used to him moving around...a lot! He's a pretty active one and that makes me happy. I must say that we have only just settled slightly on a name and I am not sure if it would change again before or when he is born. We had settled on a girl's name but the boy's name is hard and when you live in America, you have to be careful that kids don't make fun of your kid's name at school while choosing a name that speaks of the child's cultural identity. It's harder than it seems.

At 35 weeks, it's really hard to stay awake beyond 12 hours at a time. I come home to sleep. I drive to night classes and sleep in the hour that I have before class. The problem is, while I took every extra minute to sleep before the pregnancy, I can't seem to get enough sleep now. Teaching can take it's toll on you, even when you're sitting for most of the day. It still requires you to interact with the kids and make sure that each one of them is getting the lesson or at least some of it. 

At the beginning of the school year, when I was still in the second trimester and feeling great, I felt that I could work until the semester ended. That was when my belly didn't look and feel or weigh the same as a bowling ball. Now, I am not so sure. I'm down to a "one day at a time" approach. While the baby continues to be good, I feel heavy. The doctor says I'm within the normal weight gain range but every week, the clothes get tighter and I am really not in the mood to spend any extra money on clothes for one month that I'll probably want to throw away after the baby is born for being sick of wearing them. So far, I've been creative. I never really wore anything really tight but now, the loosest things in my closet are tight.

One thing I have to say is that people are really nice to you when you're pregnant. They hold doors for you even when they see you waddling from a while's behind them, they offer to empty your grocery cart so that you don't have to stretch, and they carry things for you. Even the kids at school have become very protective. I am not a person that really looks for help from people but I've found myself accepting the help. Another thing is that people seem to be fascinated with my belly. They want to touch it and I'm not a touchy-feely person. Never was so I tend to back away from them when I see them coming. It's definitely not one of my favorite things. 

The last thing is the wait. Whoever came up with the word "expecting" really did capture the truest nature of what pregnancy really is. You wait. You worry. You get anxious. And you expect. You dream so much of this little person and you wonder what he/she will look like and be like. Will he look even an ounce like me or will he be completely like his dad? Will he be healthy? I think that is the biggest worry for any parent to be. You end up spending hours doing this without realizing and you wake up at night, even when all you want to do is sleep and think about this little person who is oblivious to the world outside. At the beginning of the pregnancy, I thought the time was moving by so slowly and even now, it is slow again and yet with each passing day, the due date nears. 

Finally Obama Speaks on the Trayvon Martin-Zimmerman Trial. Thoughts

I love it when I turn on the TV, and inadvertently watch history in the making. Obama has famously skirted the issue of race and today, around 1:45pm, there was a turning point. Even watching it, you felt as if something was going down. Something big. I waited the entire week for his speech. I am sure many were also anticipating the speech and out of the blue, he showed up at a White House press conference and spoke. He gave his own accounts of being profiled and addressed what is happening in the nation. He justified the African American response to the verdict and as a people who have spent their lives getting the short end of the stick when it comes to education, jobs, healthcare, justice, and opportunities, their reaction to the verdict was every bit right. I agree.
I think what Obama said was what people needed to hear. It was not a speech about solutions but it was a speech that told the public that Obama identified with the minorities and he knew their struggle. It was all we needed to hear. I would so love to tell the people who constantly say "us and them," and who deny that there is a huge discrepancy in this country (FOX news in particular) to go screw themselves. I feel as if everything about this channel is about keeping the nation in a deadlock and preventing progress. They believe that they are the only intelligent ones in the country and everyone else is wearing a blindfold. Only the fool thinks he is wise!
So here is why I am following this so closely. For me, it is personal. I grew up learning to distrust blacks. In Trinidad, the country is racially divided so I knew what racism was from the beginning. However, one thing changed everything. I started teaching at a school that was predominantly black. It was the single most important thing that could have happened to me and I am thankful that it did because you see how wrong racism really is. You see how it propagates hatred and ignorance. God cannot be present where these things exist. I saw how these kids were always set up to fail and how at an early age, they were fooled into thinking they were given the same opportunity when in reality, they weren't. It bothered me. It is unfair and two things make our future brighter, children and education. That's it and it was enough to show me that all of what I learned as a child was from one pocket in time and needed to stay where it belonged, in the past. It is time to learn, tear down walls, and to move forward.
While there are problems that are inherent to the African American group, these problems stem from years and years of cyclical poverty and lower socio economic status that gives a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. This can be corrected. There is a divide in this country that did not exist in Trinidad. In some ways, I felt as if the near 50-50 division of the races prevented either race in Trinidad from suffering the same injustices I see here.I can safely say that a lack of education and willingness to learn about another person's culture and customs will cause what we are seeing in this country today. Once you learn about a person, you see them as an equal. You don't see color and it is one of the most liberating feelings.
Finally, one cannot tell me that racial profiling occurs. You only have to watch my husband at an airport screening line. Now the strike here is that if this baby I am having turns out to be a boy, not only will I have to worry because I will have a brown-skinned child but someone will think that my little one is a terrorist as well. The sad thing is we are not the same race, extremist, Arab, fanatics, nor are we Muslim! We only share the same skin color and that is enough to profile us as well. Hence, Trayvon Martin's story belongs to all of us who have witnessed and lived racial profiling.

my take on Trayvon Martin's trial

Like many, we have been following this case for quite a while in our home state of Florida. I was one of the people who signed the petition to have Zimmerman arrested because I felt as if for too long there has been a divide in this country and anyone who shoots a kid who was unarmed needs to go through some sort of trial. Even with his not guilty verdict, I feel as if the nation just put Zimmerman on their own trial. If I assumed that every black child who looked like a "thug," had a grill, and smoked marijuana, was up to no good then I would have to leave my profession as I would be terribly biased. I've found that these kids are the first ones to say "sorry" and they are quite polite. I've never smoked a day in my life, and I don't drink but I will not make assumptions about anyone who does.  However, there is a factor of respect. Kids are people too. Black kids are people too!
It is scary when you don't know about someone and go on assumptions. Assumptions are scary and they can lead to death. This is what I think happened here. Yes there was profiling. I feel as if something needs to be done about the gun laws in this country. They need to be more stringent because too often, they are used for the true purpose for what they were made: to kill. Very often, innocent people are killed and yeah, they protect too...they protect the shooter.
I wonder, like a lot of people, if George Zimmerman did not have that gun on his person, would he have even approached Trayvon? You see, a gun puts one into a whole new ball game. If I were a kid in today's America, there are two things I would do in a situation like that. Well three. I could run, I could stay and speak with the person, or I could do what Trayvon did and get aggressive. I wouldn't blame any reaction. If you are a hot-headed kid, you would turn around and cuss the heck out of Zimmerman and probably beat the crap out of him for assuming you were up to no good when you were minding your own business. Let's not pretend. How would you react if someone suggested or accused you of something you weren't doing? When we are hurt about something, we can cry or we can react with anger. Now I don't blame Trayvon's reaction. We really don't give young people respect. I see it all the time. This kid made a grave mistake. He assumed that in today's world, because we live in a country that elected a black President and anyone could achieve their dreams, that somehow he was equal and that the stories of his parents and grandparents were buried in history. Not everyone shared his thought. 

"Nesting"

Just this week, I left my normally vegetative state and began a cleaning and organizing frenzy. These are things I never really think of on a daily basis but lately, I have been looking at the house in a whole new light. While I do like seeing a clean house and I appreciate seeing things in place, I am not OCD about it. However, I emptied out two closets so far and threw out the clothes I would never wear again or clothes I had grown tired of wearing, cleaned the storage closet and arranged the items on the shelf over the washer and dryer. I thought about donating the clothes to the neighborhood clothes bank but I wonder how awkward it will be to donate Indian wear since a great many of the clothes were of that type. Another thing I let go of was my size 3 clothes. I think I have given up the thought that I would fit into that size anymore. They were from my ultra thin-college and early going out with Ami days.
It turns out that just as there is a name for every phenomenon out there, there is a name for this organizing and cleaning that comes with pregnancy. It is called nesting. Apparently, it stems from some subconscious need of mine to prepare for the baby and get things ready. Later in pregnancy, it could signify impending labor.
In many ways, I am thankful that I have this summer free. For one, because I get to prepare the house and do a thorough cleaning. Last year, I worked throughout the summer planning curriculum for an additional class that was being taught. It took up the entire time as I was working on two separate classes and when the school year started, I felt grossly unprepared. Hopefully, this year, I will be a little more rested and prepared to face what comes once the school year roller coaster begins.
The doctor told me that it wouldn't be until the next four weeks that I find out the gender of the baby. I have no real inclinations and it is a bit nerve wrecking. My belly isn't big enough to tell if it is watermelon or football (American, I am supposing) shaped although I just started showing this week...like non-bloated showing. In addition to that, I have no idea what carrying high or carrying low is and I have had changing tastes in food. In the beginning I ate potato chips but that went quickly and now I tolerate the sweets better. I cannot stand the sour taste but that may change.  The only consistency I have noted is that I like adding extra pepper to my food when I eat, something I never really did before. This is assuming that I follow the old wives' tales but the problem is that my logical mind gets in the way. I did try the Chinese gender predictor and it predicted girl though. Lets see.  Until then, I am going gender neutral and continuing the cleaning process.