A different chapter

It seems as if a few posts are missing in between here. Since the last 39 week update, the baby has been born (thankfully)! He came on Christmas Eve, quite a little surprise and yet, not so much a surprise. I was no where ready physically (except for having the usual Braxton Hicks contractions) but I'm guessing it was his time to make his entrance. Compared to what my friends spoke about and the nightmares of throwing up all the time, I had a relatively calm pregnancy. However, right at the very end, the plan of an all natural birth had to change. In fact, I was the first to change my mind and I don't regret it at all.

It ended up being a c-section after the doctors noted some major decelerations in the little guy's heartbeat. The doctor was discussing options that included inducing labor and hoping all goes well or having a c-section (it was my last option). Somewhere in that discussion it hit me that if his heartbeat was slowing that dramatically, then his brain would become starved for oxygen. It was at that point that I asked for the c-section. Turns out that he had gotten his cord around his neck and leg. I am not sure what I expected but it was surreal. They literally tug the baby out of you. I cannot say it hurt but it sure was a lot of tugging and I felt winded, as if I had gotten punched in the chest (not belly), even though I was under some heavy anesthesia. 

The little face surprised me. He was smaller than I expected and much more handsome than I could have ever imagined him to be. He also had a full head of hair. For some reason, I was thinking that he would have been close to 8lbs and he came out weighing under 5lb 12oz. Needless to say, we had to go shopping right after he was born because I had no tiny newborn onesies for him. I had bought everything with the 0-3 months tag. I still used them but in the beginning, he looked as if he was lost in his clothes. In fact, he would have fit in the newborn clothes but he was too long for them. I have yet to see the little rolls and I am guessing that I may not see them because Avi's a little busybody. He's quite active for a little baby and he tries to push himself forward when I put him on his belly. It's hard to believe that he was born only 13 weeks ago! Sometimes it feels as if it was longer.

I started this blog a while ago and stopped at this point. I will continue now. Avi is 6 months.

That brings me to what I have to say about this post pregnancy blues->depression thing. It's no joke. It happens. You have to watch for it and know what it is. I had one close friend who I spoke with all through it. It is a serious matter and no one should have to feel guilty for not being sad. You see, the world expects you to be happy and elated but you are in your own little world with only this baby. Most women stay home in the beginning at least and many times, it's hard to take the baby out and you're mostly alone. You're alone because you don't really feel up to seeing anyone everyday because taking care of  the baby is work and although I like people, I like a lot of alone time. Also, it was the first time in my adult life that I was home for more than 2 months. The house started feeling small. I wanted to be out but I didn't want to leave the baby because I kept thinking that not long ago, he was a part of me.
I did manage to leave the house without the baby while his dad watched him and it felt great. Somehow, you have to do this. The one thing I would say is that I get dressed up a little better now. I think it is important to feel pretty even though you're carrying a little extra weight and maybe a post-pregnancy baby bump still.
Six months have passed and not too long ago, I was driving home and I realized that I was happy and I wanted to be around people again. I think while you need to talk, you also need time to get used to the change...emotionally. I didn't realize it but although the pregnancy was relatively quiet, my body and mind were also going through major changed of which I was completely oblivious. I will say that the first few months are rough and if you are blue, talk to someone and get out of  the house. I had help and I still felt this way. I am happy to say that it does get better and you do end up enjoying the baby after all.

Mommyhood

Hi,
I'm back. It's been six months since the little guy made his debut into this world. The time is passing. Soon I will go back to work and I am dreading it. I look at him and how he finds me in a room full of people and will smile at me. It breaks my heart. I think this must be the hardest part about being a working mom. The fact is, I don't think that there is any mom who will want to leave her child and go back to work but it's less strained when there's two of us working. Lately, we've been joking about me quitting the first week I go back. We'll see how that goes.
Back to the little guy. He's an absolute joy. I think that his personality is coming out more and more as he is learning to do things. It's strange how he works. In just six months, I've watched him go from being completely helpless to striving for his independence as he learns to play with his toys and try to sit up and move on his own. He loves music! Not the loud kind but calm, steady melodies. Lately, the only thing that puts him to sleep is the music box version of "You'll be in my heart," by Phil Collins from Tarzan. Oh, and he's in the teething process. I'm waiting for that little tooth to pop up one of these days. For now, it's a lot of drool and breaking out the bibs.
We've also started him on stage 1 solids. I waited until he was almost 4 months to do this because I wanted to make sure that he was ready for it. He wasn't at first and it was just something I gave him a taste of every other day. Eventually, though, he was ready. He likes his veggies more than the fruits. In the last week, I've started him on oat cereal and he is doing well with that too.I really didn't want to begin with rice cereal because I read that it was constipating. Plus, I like the "healthy," non-powdery look of the oat cereal.
As time goes, I may work backwards and speak about those first few months that all parents seem to go through in a daze. It's an experience. Today, I have bought a little vegan cupcake to celebrate the little guy's half-birthday.

38 weeks

At this point, I'm getting just about ready. I'm not sure if I am the first person to say that they wished that the baby waited until the final paper was submitted but yes, I did say that. Today, I submitted my last final for classes and I'm all game now. Last week the doctor said that there was no progress. Apparently, the little one is comfortable and quite happy where he is. I figured as much. Today I went walking and I could only do a half of what I used to do before but it was still some exercise and I felt much better after I walked. It's a lot better than sitting around the house. Right now, the best part of it all is that people are cheering you on as if it is a little race to some unforeseen finish line. The worst part are those stretch marks that decided to pop up just when I thought I'd escaped them. Aside from reading about what to expect, I have pretty much zoned out everyone's horror stories and I'm keeping myself in a happy state of oblivion. I figure that I'll deal with whatever has to come in a week or two for the most.

While speaking on that topic, that is pretty much what I have come to do with most advice that I get. I know that people mean well but as someone who's excited to be a new parent, I would like to live the experience also. We are quite lucky to have family around but even so, we are both very independent and very territorial. I am not sure how it will play out but I think we just need some time to spend with our little one alone when he is born. I may end up changing my mind but I do believe that I've made the best decision. I'd listen but at the same time, I would like to learn on my own and believe me, relatives and people who've been through it are all too willing to let you know everything. The only thing is that I would rather ask for help if I need it than to feel as if it is imposed on me.

The house is just about ready for a baby welcome. We probably need the weekend coming up to finish up on a few minor details if our little one will allow it. Either way, his room is set up and I've put out the things that I think he will need most once he comes home...the diapering things and the smallest clothes that were gifted to him. It's the cutest thing looking at the tiny little clothes and thinking of the little person that will be fitting in them soon enough. It's a very warm feeling you get.

Lastly, it took us a while to decide on a name. We've pretty much found one but I have kept it to myself. Admittedly, I've told a little lie whenever anyone asks. Ami has told one or two people but I asked him to stop. I'm not sure why it matters to me to keep it quiet until the little one is born but I think it will be better after we see him and figure out if the name fits. In any case, it will only be a week or two for the most before he's born and everyone knows his name.

Three more weeks...more or less

It's the last three weeks. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I am not sure what to expect and would love to see the little guy's face but at the same time, I'm not sure if we have everything ready for him. Either way, he's not going to stay in me forever and he's going to make his debut sometime this month. My mom and mother-in-law both say that you follow the full moon, three days before or three days after. I'm not sure about any days except that I'm hoping that I get the semester at the university over with and my two pending research papers written and submitted before he's born. I'm not even sure about completing the school semester anymore.
Two weeks ago, I said I felt large. That was before I noticed stretch marks. I really thought that I had escaped them but nope I didn't. They all appeared overnight. I'm sure that they were there but I never noticed them until they became hard to miss. I can definitely say, you'll get them once you reach that point where your skin has maxed out and the baby's still growing....yep, those last few weeks when you think that you've gotten as large as you can but nature doesn't. I am definitely larger and I sure feel it. It's gotten a bit uncomfortable to maneuver around with the little guy because you just can't get up in a hurry or turn over or roll off the bed as easily as it used to be. Now, they're all these antics involved.
I cannot wait to wear non-maternity clothes and I'm pretty sure I'll throw out half of the things I wore during this time. I would love to wear my favorite pair of jeans once again. Haven't been able to fit into them since I was about 12 weeks. With all that being said though, I'm not sure if I'm tired of being pregnant. Some women are through as soon as they're 35-36 weeks but I enjoyed the little guy. He is a good guest and he's fun when he moves. I look forward to his movements. They're predictable and he never kicked a lot. He just loves to move around and stretch his legs:)
In the last two to three weeks, Ami has moved into a new role. He's become over-protective and his energies are focused on the baby. He's begun to "nest." He wants the house to be perfect for the baby and I try to tell him that the little guy will not care or notice anything but that's Ami's nature. He's a doer and this is a project that is taking all of his energies. In some ways, I can see how he draws more strength from his work and constantly being on the go. Ami has sought out to fix anything that is involved in the baby's life, from taking care of his clothes and storing them to making sure that he's safe when I drive him around. He's set up the baby's room and even went on to add crown moulding and larger baseboards while making sure that all the colors are matching in the room. It's a nice thing to watch and I am not going to intervene. I'll let him enjoy himself. In the meantime, I will cherish these last few days where we are and aren't yet a family. 

35 weeks and counting

A great deal of time has passed since the last blog. I went from not having much to do in the summer to being so incredibly busy that I cannot really keep up. Since then, I've found out the gender of the baby. It's a boy and I've gotten incredibly used to him moving around...a lot! He's a pretty active one and that makes me happy. I must say that we have only just settled slightly on a name and I am not sure if it would change again before or when he is born. We had settled on a girl's name but the boy's name is hard and when you live in America, you have to be careful that kids don't make fun of your kid's name at school while choosing a name that speaks of the child's cultural identity. It's harder than it seems.

At 35 weeks, it's really hard to stay awake beyond 12 hours at a time. I come home to sleep. I drive to night classes and sleep in the hour that I have before class. The problem is, while I took every extra minute to sleep before the pregnancy, I can't seem to get enough sleep now. Teaching can take it's toll on you, even when you're sitting for most of the day. It still requires you to interact with the kids and make sure that each one of them is getting the lesson or at least some of it. 

At the beginning of the school year, when I was still in the second trimester and feeling great, I felt that I could work until the semester ended. That was when my belly didn't look and feel or weigh the same as a bowling ball. Now, I am not so sure. I'm down to a "one day at a time" approach. While the baby continues to be good, I feel heavy. The doctor says I'm within the normal weight gain range but every week, the clothes get tighter and I am really not in the mood to spend any extra money on clothes for one month that I'll probably want to throw away after the baby is born for being sick of wearing them. So far, I've been creative. I never really wore anything really tight but now, the loosest things in my closet are tight.

One thing I have to say is that people are really nice to you when you're pregnant. They hold doors for you even when they see you waddling from a while's behind them, they offer to empty your grocery cart so that you don't have to stretch, and they carry things for you. Even the kids at school have become very protective. I am not a person that really looks for help from people but I've found myself accepting the help. Another thing is that people seem to be fascinated with my belly. They want to touch it and I'm not a touchy-feely person. Never was so I tend to back away from them when I see them coming. It's definitely not one of my favorite things. 

The last thing is the wait. Whoever came up with the word "expecting" really did capture the truest nature of what pregnancy really is. You wait. You worry. You get anxious. And you expect. You dream so much of this little person and you wonder what he/she will look like and be like. Will he look even an ounce like me or will he be completely like his dad? Will he be healthy? I think that is the biggest worry for any parent to be. You end up spending hours doing this without realizing and you wake up at night, even when all you want to do is sleep and think about this little person who is oblivious to the world outside. At the beginning of the pregnancy, I thought the time was moving by so slowly and even now, it is slow again and yet with each passing day, the due date nears. 

Finally Obama Speaks on the Trayvon Martin-Zimmerman Trial. Thoughts

I love it when I turn on the TV, and inadvertently watch history in the making. Obama has famously skirted the issue of race and today, around 1:45pm, there was a turning point. Even watching it, you felt as if something was going down. Something big. I waited the entire week for his speech. I am sure many were also anticipating the speech and out of the blue, he showed up at a White House press conference and spoke. He gave his own accounts of being profiled and addressed what is happening in the nation. He justified the African American response to the verdict and as a people who have spent their lives getting the short end of the stick when it comes to education, jobs, healthcare, justice, and opportunities, their reaction to the verdict was every bit right. I agree.
I think what Obama said was what people needed to hear. It was not a speech about solutions but it was a speech that told the public that Obama identified with the minorities and he knew their struggle. It was all we needed to hear. I would so love to tell the people who constantly say "us and them," and who deny that there is a huge discrepancy in this country (FOX news in particular) to go screw themselves. I feel as if everything about this channel is about keeping the nation in a deadlock and preventing progress. They believe that they are the only intelligent ones in the country and everyone else is wearing a blindfold. Only the fool thinks he is wise!
So here is why I am following this so closely. For me, it is personal. I grew up learning to distrust blacks. In Trinidad, the country is racially divided so I knew what racism was from the beginning. However, one thing changed everything. I started teaching at a school that was predominantly black. It was the single most important thing that could have happened to me and I am thankful that it did because you see how wrong racism really is. You see how it propagates hatred and ignorance. God cannot be present where these things exist. I saw how these kids were always set up to fail and how at an early age, they were fooled into thinking they were given the same opportunity when in reality, they weren't. It bothered me. It is unfair and two things make our future brighter, children and education. That's it and it was enough to show me that all of what I learned as a child was from one pocket in time and needed to stay where it belonged, in the past. It is time to learn, tear down walls, and to move forward.
While there are problems that are inherent to the African American group, these problems stem from years and years of cyclical poverty and lower socio economic status that gives a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. This can be corrected. There is a divide in this country that did not exist in Trinidad. In some ways, I felt as if the near 50-50 division of the races prevented either race in Trinidad from suffering the same injustices I see here.I can safely say that a lack of education and willingness to learn about another person's culture and customs will cause what we are seeing in this country today. Once you learn about a person, you see them as an equal. You don't see color and it is one of the most liberating feelings.
Finally, one cannot tell me that racial profiling occurs. You only have to watch my husband at an airport screening line. Now the strike here is that if this baby I am having turns out to be a boy, not only will I have to worry because I will have a brown-skinned child but someone will think that my little one is a terrorist as well. The sad thing is we are not the same race, extremist, Arab, fanatics, nor are we Muslim! We only share the same skin color and that is enough to profile us as well. Hence, Trayvon Martin's story belongs to all of us who have witnessed and lived racial profiling.

my take on Trayvon Martin's trial

Like many, we have been following this case for quite a while in our home state of Florida. I was one of the people who signed the petition to have Zimmerman arrested because I felt as if for too long there has been a divide in this country and anyone who shoots a kid who was unarmed needs to go through some sort of trial. Even with his not guilty verdict, I feel as if the nation just put Zimmerman on their own trial. If I assumed that every black child who looked like a "thug," had a grill, and smoked marijuana, was up to no good then I would have to leave my profession as I would be terribly biased. I've found that these kids are the first ones to say "sorry" and they are quite polite. I've never smoked a day in my life, and I don't drink but I will not make assumptions about anyone who does.  However, there is a factor of respect. Kids are people too. Black kids are people too!
It is scary when you don't know about someone and go on assumptions. Assumptions are scary and they can lead to death. This is what I think happened here. Yes there was profiling. I feel as if something needs to be done about the gun laws in this country. They need to be more stringent because too often, they are used for the true purpose for what they were made: to kill. Very often, innocent people are killed and yeah, they protect too...they protect the shooter.
I wonder, like a lot of people, if George Zimmerman did not have that gun on his person, would he have even approached Trayvon? You see, a gun puts one into a whole new ball game. If I were a kid in today's America, there are two things I would do in a situation like that. Well three. I could run, I could stay and speak with the person, or I could do what Trayvon did and get aggressive. I wouldn't blame any reaction. If you are a hot-headed kid, you would turn around and cuss the heck out of Zimmerman and probably beat the crap out of him for assuming you were up to no good when you were minding your own business. Let's not pretend. How would you react if someone suggested or accused you of something you weren't doing? When we are hurt about something, we can cry or we can react with anger. Now I don't blame Trayvon's reaction. We really don't give young people respect. I see it all the time. This kid made a grave mistake. He assumed that in today's world, because we live in a country that elected a black President and anyone could achieve their dreams, that somehow he was equal and that the stories of his parents and grandparents were buried in history. Not everyone shared his thought. 

"Nesting"

Just this week, I left my normally vegetative state and began a cleaning and organizing frenzy. These are things I never really think of on a daily basis but lately, I have been looking at the house in a whole new light. While I do like seeing a clean house and I appreciate seeing things in place, I am not OCD about it. However, I emptied out two closets so far and threw out the clothes I would never wear again or clothes I had grown tired of wearing, cleaned the storage closet and arranged the items on the shelf over the washer and dryer. I thought about donating the clothes to the neighborhood clothes bank but I wonder how awkward it will be to donate Indian wear since a great many of the clothes were of that type. Another thing I let go of was my size 3 clothes. I think I have given up the thought that I would fit into that size anymore. They were from my ultra thin-college and early going out with Ami days.
It turns out that just as there is a name for every phenomenon out there, there is a name for this organizing and cleaning that comes with pregnancy. It is called nesting. Apparently, it stems from some subconscious need of mine to prepare for the baby and get things ready. Later in pregnancy, it could signify impending labor.
In many ways, I am thankful that I have this summer free. For one, because I get to prepare the house and do a thorough cleaning. Last year, I worked throughout the summer planning curriculum for an additional class that was being taught. It took up the entire time as I was working on two separate classes and when the school year started, I felt grossly unprepared. Hopefully, this year, I will be a little more rested and prepared to face what comes once the school year roller coaster begins.
The doctor told me that it wouldn't be until the next four weeks that I find out the gender of the baby. I have no real inclinations and it is a bit nerve wrecking. My belly isn't big enough to tell if it is watermelon or football (American, I am supposing) shaped although I just started showing this week...like non-bloated showing. In addition to that, I have no idea what carrying high or carrying low is and I have had changing tastes in food. In the beginning I ate potato chips but that went quickly and now I tolerate the sweets better. I cannot stand the sour taste but that may change.  The only consistency I have noted is that I like adding extra pepper to my food when I eat, something I never really did before. This is assuming that I follow the old wives' tales but the problem is that my logical mind gets in the way. I did try the Chinese gender predictor and it predicted girl though. Lets see.  Until then, I am going gender neutral and continuing the cleaning process.

Driving myself crazy

The thing that I find myself doing most is google searching what happens as the various weeks and days pass by. It is an obsession and I am sure that I am not the only person who does this during their pregnancy. The only thing is that after a while, you want to feel the baby move or something to reassure yourself that everything is okay. The doctor's visit seems so far away now.
In fact, I think I am beginning to become a bit impatient and I am usually quite patient. I am aware that it is almost 16 weeks (15 weeks, 4 days) and that the time is passing by but I feel as if I am in a bit of a lull and the time is not passing by quickly enough. I think I need to find things to occupy my time. In actuality, there are a lot of things that I can do but I am waiting for the 20 week mark.
I have downloaded a few apps and a pregnancy countdown timer as well and I've read all of the messages for the full 40 weeks so now all I do is reread them. I know what every test is for and I've acquainted myself with quite a few medical terms as well as all of the possible things that can go right and wrong. Basically, in an educated way, I am driving myself nuts!
I am very well aware that this is probably the one of the last totally free weeks that I will have for a long long time...well for the rest of my life because Nan has decided to get remarried and there is a wedding on the very near horizon as well as the temple's camp and the week after, school begins.
If all goes well, I plan to work until the Christmas break begins. Let's see how things turn out. As for the Ph.D. I am working on that slowly....very, very slowly. It may be too late to drop it because I'm half way through but the prospects of landing a public health job in Florida is next to nothing. I do feel a little more accomplished for getting the MPH and I am happy that I decided to pursue a Ph.D. but I am not sure what will happen when the baby comes. Thankfully, I got most of the studies completed before.  I really do like the field and with the new rules for health insurance and the swing toward preventive medicine, we may be in demand shortly and hopefully, there will be more job openings in South Florida.
I am a bit upset about the deal that we got with teaching. I called last week to find out about what my insurance covers and found that as teachers, we get a good deal with benefits...for ourselves. To add a child to my insurance is another issue. I also found out that while teachers are allowed 12 weeks and their insurance is covered during that time, they are not paid, not even a fraction of their salary. I wondered about that. What about those teachers who live in single-income homes? While Ami and I are a bit more secure, I wondered how others do it. The life of a public servant is a tough one indeed!
Having a baby in this country is an expensive venture for middle class people who receive no aid from government, state or federal. From what I have seen, and it is not certain, the cheapest newborn insurance runs around $100. Then we have to wonder about someone who will see the baby and that is also another thing that will run up the bill. My mom, who has been wanting a grandchild for quite a long time, has volunteered to do as much babysitting as she can and I am totally on board with her more than anyone else but she cannot quit her job.
Either way, now that I know what's involved, I will save a little extra when the new school year begins just to be ahead. When I told my dad about the whole salary situation, he gave me a look and replied with the same answer that he always gave since we were little, "But anyhow, you're not going to starve!"

The whole barrage of tests

Lately, it seems as if all I've been going through is every conceivable prenatal test that exists. And of course it doesn't help to change doctors somewhere in week 10 of the pregnancy. I will speak about that later on or in a later post because it is something that upsets me. So back to the testing.
Combined with my new doctor and the one I had before, I've been to the/a doctor's office 5 times and have had blood drawn on 3 occasions and I'm only 14 weeks!
I am hoping that if I do decide to have another baby after this one, that the records will be there for these genetic markers and all of the extra testing will not be necessary.
So far, the most unnecessary test I had was an ultrasound on the 8 week mark to determine my due date. Unless you have totally irregular cycles or you had some kind of amnesia, this is a totally unnecessary test and at the 11-14 week nuchal translucency screening (a necessary ultrasound) they estimate the due date based on the baby's size, etc. In that way, you and the baby are not exposed to that many ultrasounds and you stay on the safer side of the ultrasound research. Some studies suggest that the high frequency waves may cause some sort of neurological damage and the number of ultrasounds/sonograms should be limited.
Otherwise, at about 8 weeks, I also had a series of blood tests. Well, I went to the LabCorp location and they took 8 vials (seemed endless). Thankfully, I've never been afraid of giving blood or having blood drawn but I can imagine the scene if I were or if Ami came along. Turns out that all of those screens came back okay and I was not a carrier for any genetic condition:) That eliminated another source of worry.
Last week, I had a nuchal translucency ultrasound and I got to watch for more than 30 minutes while my little one kicked up a storm and refused to get into a cooperative position. It was the best summer movie I saw so far and I cannot describe the happiness I felt. Ami hasn't been able to accompany me on any of these visits as he started a new job and he is on probation right now so he relies on me describing everything to him. Come to think of it, I never suggested to him that he needed to go except for the one where we find out the gender. I got four little pictures from this sonogram and today, I saw him pick up the picture and speak to it. The great news about this ultrasound is that the nuchal size came back within range so the risk of down syndrome is much lower. I also had two vials of blood taken at that visit since the new doctor ordered an integrative scan. I am not sure why she ordered the blood works as well but I think this was "new non-invasive research" from what I read.
Finally, I had another necessary test yesterday. There is a strong history of diabetes in my family. I thought that it was a bother having to go through it though but the doctor suggested that I take an early glucose screen. I had to be fasting so I scheduled an 8:30 appointment and sure enough, I was starving when I got there. I had to drink a 10 oz bottle of fruit punch flavored yuckiness with 50 grams of sugar. In the hour I sat in the waiting area, I prayed that this test turned out okay. Otherwise, I would be rescheduled for a 3 hour test that would require a blood draw every hour. Joy joy joy! After the hour, the phlebotomist took three vials (the doctor had also requested a thyroid and vitamin D scan). I drove to my parents house after, part because I was hungry and also because I wanted to test my blood sugar. It was about 15 minutes after I left the place and the reading was 105. Hopefully, it wouldn't be much different from what the LabCorp place reports and I am tolerating glucose well so far or either my baby has quite an appetite:)
It occurred to me while talking/venting to a friend yesterday that the reason why they were doing so many tests was because I have been married for 5 years and this is my first child at 30. Am I an anomaly? Do people have children sooner? At the time Ami and I got married, we did not think of having kids (really at the time we got married, neither of us wanted to have kids until a few years along) and we were still trying to become a little more established in life. I wondered if the doctors thought that I had been trying for a while and never conceived? That will be something for me to ask at my next visit (which is sure to come!). In the mean time, I thank God that I have insurance coverage and at the same time, I wonder if I would be going to the doctor so many times if I didn't. 

Essay on Religion and Spirituality

I have attached a link to an essay I wrote for my mandir (religious place of worship) about science and spirituality, two concepts that are very dear to me. Take a look:

http://www.fhosm.com/2011/03/14/science-and-religion/

Spirituality?

2011: Earlier in the night, I was asked to contribute to an ongoing posting on our mandir's new webpage. It is supposed to be about anything spiritual, opinionated or otherwise. I am not sure if my opinion will carry any weight or if it matters even but I have already given my word to contribute.
This leaves me now with the question, "what shall I write about?" I guess I have been in a sort of limbo lately. I am not so sure that I should be the one to write about spirituality. To write and expect people to read your opinion is somewhat presumptuous and i guess this was a major reason for privatizing my blog. I wasn't too sure I wanted to share my thoughts with the world anymore. See, I am at a point where I am not too happy with the way I worship and I am experimenting with ways to achieve that communion. I may be saying a series of prayers like I was taught from since I was young, then all of a sudden I get quiet and I stay still. It alternates. Sometimes, I chant.
Either way, I am a little bit....


2013: As you can see, I never finished this post. Nor do I even remember where I left off.

A small drop of happiness:)

Today, I am happy. Happiness is a fleeting thing in this human world though but I do think that being made human, we were made to feel and experience every emotion and in doing so, we learn. Today, I am 13 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Tomorrow, the second trimester begins and we get a little closer. I love the little one and he/she isn't even born yet!
Everyone speaks about changes that occur during pregnancy. There really haven't been a lot for me but here's some that I've noticed.
Sleeping/Waking: For one, I am typing this blog at 8:39 am! For anyone who knows me, they will agree that if I don't have to work, I will wake up in time to see the last 15-30 minutes of the morning...if I am lucky! I've been waking up before Ami in the mornings (around 6-ish) and he is the one who has to work! In fact, he is getting used to the idea of me waking up and seeing him off to work. The reason is of course having to go to the restroom and then I am ridiculously hungry to the point of feeling nauseous every morning. Ami jokes that the baby is definitely like him because it needs food all the time. Now that I am used to it, it's actually a good thing waking up and seeing the morning go by. Actually, it was something that I was very much afraid of when I thought of having a kid. I wasn't disciplined about going to bed and waking up on time and now it seems as if the problem has fixed itself.
Another thing I've noted about sleeping is I have some very strange dreams. It's like a guaranteed movie every time I go to bed...not that I like all of the dreams I have but I definitely have very real and very strange dreams.
Food Cravings/Aversions: So far, I haven't really felt any strange or bizarre cravings nor do I think my sense of smell is anymore intensified. But then again, I always thought my sense of smell was pretty good so maybe nothing changed. The only thing I crave are sweets but not the junk food kinds so much, just fruits or anything with fruits. Before, the only time of the year I ate fruits was during the times of the year I fasted.  I just read that it could be that my body needs vitamin C. In fact, I think I have gotten very sensitive to the taste of intensely sweet. I don't like it. Only the fruits. They seem to have the right amount of sugar.
Another major change was that I started cooking more at home and when I am too lazy to cook, I go over more to my mom's house because she always has something and she's all too willing to have us come over and raid her kitchen. And that is exactly what I do...raid the kitchen. I was really looking for the food I grew up eating: the roti and vegetables in the morning, dAl and rice, and the curries. I totally love this change. Both the food and seeing my parents every day/ every other day.
In the beginning, I lost my love affair with coffee and I haven't yet really regained it. No big loss though. I cannot even think of what it was that I loved so much about coffee. Then again, I was drinking entirely too much of it anyway and what really made me stop was when I heard my little one's heartbeat for the first time and found out that the coffee was teratogenic in nature and it could accelerate the heartbeat. I've also pretty much cut out soda and started drinking fruit juice and water. The orange juice makes the vitamins go down. That's pretty much the only real aversion I've had...the sight of the vitamin bottle. Not the taste or anything (although I never liked the taste of medicine, the nasty, icky, disgusting coating on pills, or swallowing any pill....I'd rather take an injection!) but I could not look at the bottle. It may be something psychological though.
While I had very mild bouts of feeling nauseous, I didn't suffer terrifying bouts of nausea/morning sickness during this trimester and I can only pray that it continues this way. It may be something that runs in families because my mom wasn't really sick when she was having us either. The one downside to this was that I gained weight in the first trimester. Like about 8 lbs. Compared to feeling sick all the time though, I'd rather gain the weight. I can think of a hundred different ways to lose weight but throwing up at the sight of food will make me utterly depressed. I am not too worried though because for the last 2-3 weeks, I haven't gained anything more and I am making an effort to walk at least 3 days/ week. By the way, my clothes still fit but they're getting on the tight, soon-to-be-uncomfortable end. Trying to see how far I can get before going crazy with buying clothes though.
Mood Swings: I am irritable sometimes. Sometimes I get angry. I get teary eyed way too easily and for the most trivial things. Ami definitely didn't like these changes and I didn't really enjoy the irritability part because I'm usually a lot more easy going. I am making a conscious effort to observe and keep my moods in check though. Music helps a whole lot.

Lastly, I never really thought that I would be excited to go to a doctor's office as I am now. I'm not sure of anyone who loves going to the ob/gyn's but for now I love going there. I get happy when I hear that little heartbeat. It's worth every other embarrassment you feel in that office. For now, I have only one wish. I hope this little life, whether boy or girl, is born with love and compassion for humanity and an intense and unshakable faith in God or that I am able to teach this to my little one. With that, everything else will be okay.

My take on Hindustani classical music:)

I always wanted to learn music...like really study it in a way that I understood what was happening when the singer was singing..not necessarily that I would become a singer but I just wanted to know. Today, thanks to Ami's constant study and listening to him practice, I have a series of bandishes (small tunes that define the raagas and allowed for "heard" passing along of the music through generations) in my head and I can pretty much figure out from the feeling evoked what time of the day they need to be sung. Sometimes, I can be wrong on the time though...I have a bias for certain raagas:).
Hindustani classical music is so vast that you can never really learn the full depth of it but tonight I felt happy. I was listening to an old song...pyar kiya to darna kya (madhubala movie) and I heard the first seven seconds of the video and was able to tell that raaga darbari was being defined.
In all of my years, I never thought that I would be able to figure out what was going on and now, not only do I know what was happening, I figured out that two other raagas (jaunpuri and adana) that happen to be favorites of mine were related to darbari...but darbari is heavier (for want of a better word) and more regal. Darbari and Hameer remind me of court music and by listening to it, you feel as if you are transported to the kingly courts of India's past. With entertainment like that, who needs a tv!
I saw tonight what Ami always says about achieving moksha through intense study of music. For a musician, it is their bliss, their commune. Sometimes, when I listen to him sing, he has so much fun that he would sing if no one was there to listen to him.
The one downside to all of this hearing is that your ear becomes trained to listen for what the singer is doing or about to do and to anticipate it. When the sound you are expecting to hear does not come, the errors manifest and you cannot fully enjoy the performance...Realized this the other day when I listen to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan (a giant, and a favorite of mine) sing "chaap tilak." Thankfully, I am nowhere near to the feeling that Ami describes as "nails scraping on a chalkboard." ..and he still appreciates Nusrat's music...will never say that about a giant in the field! Either way, the good thing about the music of Nusrat-ji is it puts you in that Sufi vortex and you get caught in the energy of his songs.
So in my spiritual travel, I have entered this field of learning...of really letting the music sink in through every pore and get fully absorbed until it is nothing...no more feeling attached to it.
And one more thing...I think i really like music! It's not just Hindustani but any music that is sung from the belly (within). I obviously need to work on my descriptions! It's like painting a picture...and it's strange because each raaga has it's own manifestation in painted art too! Ami's enthusiasm has grown on me and I've come to believe in the idea that if you really long for something, you will get it. I remember the days when we were newly married, in the little apartment when Ami sang and realized that he could go no further if he didn't have a teacher. Then his guruji came through the very door of that apartment:) In the course of his study, I was able to learn things that he described and I always wanted to know.

spiritual crossroads

I am not sure what is going on in my head but a few weeks ago, the thought came to my head that i was in need of spiritual advancement. I feel as if i am frustrated now. i am at a point where i need to find a pathway and i am seeing it but cannot get there fast enough. it is the frustration that keeps you awake at night in the silence. Not sure what needs to be done but i do not want to lose the feeling of what is beneath the surface. I feel as if i am someone walking on a lake that is iced over and i am seeing what is beneath but i cannot get under.
I have been repeating a the lines of Adishankara, "chidananda roopam shivoham shivoham" over and over in my head and i think i am ready to learn more and move ahead. I pray that i don't lose this feeling. with it, i feel satisfied and contented. imagine that, the mere thought of becoming closer makes one happy! the prevailing thought is that all else does not matter.
on another note, i was speaking to a friend the other day about the feeling of contentment and she said that it may not really exist because of the lower levels of maslow's hierarchy and human yearning to fulfill those levels does not allow for contentment. for a while, i wondered if being of Hindu heritage made contentment a possibility minus Maslow. my only answer was to state that i may be the exception to the rule that makes every psychologist's world less than perfect. or another reasoning was that there were not many things i needed to accomplish and i had already climbed my ladder.

Taking a stance

This week was by far the hardest, most difficult week I have ever had in my whole teaching career and yet, it wasn't my students. It's a hard thing to teach in this country. You have to do something that other teachers in other countries don't have to do (or don't have to spend as much time doing). That is making the students care about their futures and motivating them. You have to learn that it's just not about you in the classroom but you have to consider the young ones and allow them time to speak. Either way, it is this very same thing I fought for this week and I was surprised by the reaction of the people above me.
Since the beginning of this year, I was asked to teach the students how to pass the FCAT Science test (an integrated science test) rather than teach Chemistry to my 11th grade students. At every given moment, I dodged the superiors until I got caught and had no choice but to meet with them to explain myself.
See, our school gets money based on these test scores and the money entices many. The fame and glory of becoming a letter grade higher is more appealing than sending these students off to college with some degree of preparedness. I was being asked to stop teaching chemistry and give the students a grade for Integrated Science (therefore, inflating their grade) and I found it completely unethical. My students, even though they aren't the best in Chemistry preferred to learn and struggle through the harder subject rather than relearn Integrated Science. Seeing that they needed to pass the test though, I emailed them the materials to study from at home. But it wasn't enough for the powers that be.
So I had a meeting. I brought in my union rep, refused outright, cried, and ended up asking if they didn't care about these kids' futures. No one dared to reply after. I did find out that there was a law that was set up to prevent all of what was being asked of me so I did send it to my administrator with a note letting her know that she was asking me to break the law.
Maybe this will not go anywhere but at the same time, I had had enough. Sometimes, you have to say enough is enough and I surely had enough. If having a paycheck requires you to compromise your values, then that paycheck is not worth it. My parents never did this and they never raised us to put money over people....especially these kids. They may not all become chemists but if given the foundation, who is to say what they will do in college? This is my responsibility. Even if we never finish the syllabus, at least they would have learned a few chapters very well so that they aren't completely lost when they sit in an auditorium and listen to the drone of their college professors.
As the week progressed, the superiors avoided me and it wasn't as if I went out of my way looking for them. There was a barrage of stupid requests that I realized was their way of getting cheap thrills and I played along. I have yet to see what will come of this but until then, I will wait.

Sadness

I think I have realized the one greatest sadness in this human life....seeing another human cry...especially a child. Something tears at my heart when I see this. We all deal with loss but it always hurts the same way every time. Today was the funeral for Abdon and Jesus' mom. It was done completely in Spanish but grief has no language. These children (Abdon, Jesus, and their sister Yarilis) stood crying over their mother's coffin as it was lowered in the grave. She was only 40. I couldn't think of anything to say to Abdon. The pain never goes away...it only becomes a dull throb but it is there. I've realized that part of being human is recognizing that these feelings are real and we all go through them at some point.
I know that their mom was sick but she did hold out as long as she could. She waited until the sister had celebrated her quinceanera. The thing about cancer is the suffering. The patient really suffers but you want them to stay so badly. you hope that they are the one miracle and sometimes we get disappointed. Today, Jesus, the "strong" one could no longer be strong. I felt so badly for these kids!
I can only pray one prayer and it is that these kids will always carry their mother's love with them, and that they remember her and what she taught them. She grew them up to be amazing and affectionate and they will always have that. Her suffering is done and their journey has begun.

Reality

Every now and again, we tend to forget to look outside that little bubble in which we live and see the larger picture. Teaching has a way of bursting that bubble quickly. It is a highly interactive job and I have come to love it. Not for the fact that i impart knowledge but because i get to meet all these different personalities. We went back to work on Monday but it was only today that I saw the kids. Really, I don't go to the breakfasts because there is nothing beyond the coffee that i can eat however, today I went. The kids were serving breakfast so I was pretty sure that I would see some of my students from last year. And saw I did! I got hugged and squeezed as well!
Later on, I had to leave my room because it was being used as a "display" room for the new student orientation. I was entering the building and walking in the planning area when I saw two little indian boys...an older brother, about 7, holding his younger brother who's 3, on his lap. Of course I had to stop and talk to them. I'm a lot better when it comes to talking to the little ones now. Either way, it's a lot of fun. The older brother told me that he was there with his mom because his eldest brother will be entering school this year and i found out this evening that the eldest brother will be in my 9th grade class.
Here's where reality steps in....I was waiting in Janice's room because my room was still occupied....when one of my students from last year walked in. I got another hug/squeeze. Janice had her for biology and i had her for chem. Either way, after I asked her how she was, she blurted out to me that she was getting evicted from her home. Turns out that they were one of the millions of families who fell behind on their mortgages because they bought homes when the prices were inflated. Even though her dad went to the company and told them he couldn't make the monthly payment, the bankers gave him the usual run around and they were ignored. By this time, Janice realized that I was having a deeper conversation with the kid and she joined in as well. Somewhere in the whole thing, I thought of where this family would have to live now or if they will even have a place to stay. Things are worse than it looks.
Then, I went to put up a poster in the cafeteria for the new Ecology club that I decided to chair this year. I saw more of my students and even met a parent of one little darling i had last year. The parent hugged me too:D This is a great job! Either way, I met a student whose mother has cervical cancer. All of last year, we spoke about it because we were both in the same boat. Actually, I never had this student...I had his brother, Jesus, in 2009. It turned out that Jesus was transferred to my class because he was an 11th grader and I mostly teach this group. When he came over, he was failing and I knew his attendance as horrible. The teacher before told me that he was just an unmotivated kid but i noticed that when Jesus showed up to class, he was pretty smart. At the same time, Janice found out from the younger brother that their mother had cancer and on her really bad days, either him or Jesus would stay home with her to help her walk or move her around the house. The kid's name is Abdon. He was Janice's but somehow, he took a liking to me as well and every time his mom ended up in the hospital, he would come to us to sort of cheer him up. Him and Jesus dealt with it differently. he is more sensitive. Jesus hides it. Either way, when the mom was first diagnosed, she had no health insurance. She had to wait a long time and deal with the run around again for some kind-hearted person to give her some sort of insurance. All the while, the cancer spread. We heard of the hysterectomy, the hair loss, the pain, the nausea, the numerous trips to the hospital, and finally today, I was hoping when i asked that she was still alive for this child's sake. After he hugged me for a while, almost as if he was letting all the sentiments out, he told me that his mother's stomach was now swollen and she couldn't walk anymore. All the while, this student will graduate in the top 10% of his class.
Finally, we returned to Janice's classroom and there were three kids waiting in there. One of them had already graduated and the other two would graduate in this school year. We were asking the one who graduated about his school goals, etc. and we found out that he was not going to school, only working. I couldn't remember where I had seen this kid until he said his name and I realized that i had seen his picture on my class roster. He was enrolled but always got switched out of my class. Either way, Janice was asking him why he wasn't going to school if he also graduated in the first 10% of his class. I was telling him that by getting the letter from the governor, he was ensured access to any public university in Florida. He didn't know that.  He was telling us that he needs to work to help his parents and I was telling him that you can work and go to school too...even if it's only one class. Then something clicked. His name. He was an immigrant. I blurted it out, " can you even get registered in school?" I hadn't noticed until then that he had put on his sunglasses and I could no longer see his eyes. He was making up things to hide the fact that he had no papers. He told me a truthful and very heartbreaking, "no." This is the third kid from that one graduating class who came out in the top 50 (10%) students and couldn't get to go on to college even though he wanted to. Even worse is the fact that the valedictorian of next year's class is in the same position.
They tell us not to not get so close to these students but you end up really liking them. You hear their stories and it breaks your heart. Every day, you hear politicians squabbling about health care, the housing problem, and immigration and here you have these children telling you so openly about their problems. Right about now I feel like walking into congress and telling all of these a-holes to go f*ck themselves since the only ones they really care about is themselves anyway!

July 28th, 2010. On Loss and coming to terms

Very soon, it will be 6 months since Sanjay died. It still doesn't register fully in my mind that he's gone because I still think that he's here. August will be a hard month. It is his birth month, the month his brother, Subhas, died and 12 years since all of us came to the US. In fact, the only thing I ever really associated August with was Sanjay's birthday. I miss him a lot. I find myself skipping over songs that he used to like or songs that I listened to at various times during his illness. In fact, the only thing from that time that I can listen to is the Hanuman Chalisa. The pictures are hard to look at. I am afraid to call his mom and sister because I don't know what to say to them nor do I want to visit the house. Things come and go now. I remember little things and they all make sense now. There were so many things I overlooked when he was sick.
Five months...that is what it took for him to really deteriorate. How I wish that he didn't have to lie in bed for those five months! He was so strong! Even when i visited him in the few days before he died, it didn't register in my mind that he was so sick. I felt the tumors on his sides, and even thought they would go away.
Deep down, I know things will be better. One day. It seems as if the family took a good shaking. Every now and again, we get a good one but this one hit hard.
I'll continue this blog....or maybe not.......

work and play

Today, we had to go back into school to work on a new class that will open up in the fall semester. I was so happy when I got there and I saw that the tv was on and the game between the US and Algeria was showing. I think that the US needed this win and I agree with MSNBC on this. Lately, I haven't really enjoyed watching the news and seeing everyone blame the President for everything that went wrong. It's almost as if they didn't realize that other people ruled before him and put us in the current situation. And as for the oil spill, I would like to think that it doesn't exist but it is real and scary. I cannot begin to imagine how we would recover fully from this if the environment is still recovering from the Exxon-Valdez! But today, I was thankful for Landon Donovan and the goal he scored for this country.
Now, while on break, another teacher came and he began to talk to the guy I was working with. He was asking him why he doesn't teach Arabic and they were talking about the possibility of opening up a course in the school. They began talking about the script and the direction you write in and he looked at me and asked about the language I spoke and if sanskrit was written from right to left as well. Sometimes I wonder at how blissfully little people know! I know this guy knows that I am from Trinidad but I guess I look a certain way and i've often heard, "well you don't look trini!" So I played along. I told him that the language is hindi and it is a derivative of sanskrit which is the mother of all languages. He looked at me and said, "I don't think so."
me: "Why?"
guy: "because that's not what we learn in school."
me: "That's because you are being taught what people want you to know. as teachers we see this. we are never taught eastern civilization because to the westerners we were a backward and uncivilized country that needed to be taught how to be 'civilized'. and even after they found out about mohenjo daro and harappa it was never taught in school to be the oldest civilization because that will take it away from the judeo-christian sites and we can't have that now! " Now, these things piss me off. It's a stereotype but I saw that the guy was holding on to something he had been taught and he believed it was true. So I told him about the number system and how the "hindus" got left out of that too and about pythagoras and the bogusness we are taught to believe is true. I even told him that we were probably the most labeled set of people in the world. somewhere in that, i told this guy that i never sat in any of these classes because I didn't think i needed someone who studied books come and tell me about where I was from and what I was. That will just be another label. He did admit that another one of his hindu friends had the same issue with taking Western civilization classes.
Earlier this month, I took a class where I learned about the history of France and about France's power and how the French taught the world about the art of fine dining and somewhere along the course of the class, I asked myself if I was being brainwashed to believe something. Would this make me want to become French because they were the measure of what a civilized people are? Ok, how about no. See, there is a problem here....one should not be convinced but one should be presented with ideas and as a human, one is able to discriminate and form an opinion. Maybe this is why I like teaching science. It doesn't get involved in all the drama of a dog chasing its tail.
Takes me back to the week I taught Evolution...I teach biology, chemistry...and everything else in between.... At the beginning of the week, i had students look at me as if I was the devil. I had a boy hold on to his bible and he even asked to leave the class. Of course I let him go. But I did tell them that I was not giving my opinion, nor was I going to tell anyone that they came from monkeys because that is where the problem started but simply presenting them with scientific evidence. I realized that week that I had to erase years of brainwashing and that was a challenge. Quite possibly, I think i spent less time explaining chemistry to them that I did with evolution. at the end of the week, i had a conservative christian girl tell another one that she couldn't read the Bible anymore because it was "all lies" according to her. I stopped her there. Religion is important, regardless of what it is, one needs faith and one needs belief because it gives hope. I told her that even though the Bible is a compilation of books written by different people and later, subject to revisions, there were still many good things to learn and now that she knew the science, she should not relinquish her religion but stand firmly in it. I think more than anything else, evolution taught me to believe in God than to not believe at all and Chemistry sealed it. Just a minor digression....

So now it's Sunday morning, 3:18 am and I am still awake. Have been watching Russell Peters and trying to keep the laughing down. He's as hilarious as it gets.
Today, the US lost the game with Ghana. Ghana played well but I was really rooting for the US and I thought that they did try in the end. I actually felt like crying when they lost and that was when I realized that I may like this sport more than I thought. I know it's not really a sport that's followed by many Americans like American football but I was happy to see that more Americans were getting involved in the games. I guess I really like football for the game because even though, admittedly, I began watching because of all the really handsome footballers, it's not about them anymore. I actually follow the game and sometimes don't really notice the guys as much.... maybe that's being married. I've noticed that the conversations between me and my friends have changed. See, I have two sets of girl friends. Married and unmarried ones. Most of the married ones live here and the unmarried ones live back home, in Trinidad. Sometimes, the conversations get a little bit awkward. The only saving grace is that I made these friends over a decade ago so we have lots of memories. Thank God for friends...and family too!