The thing that I find myself doing most is google searching what happens as the various weeks and days pass by. It is an obsession and I am sure that I am not the only person who does this during their pregnancy. The only thing is that after a while, you want to feel the baby move or something to reassure yourself that everything is okay. The doctor's visit seems so far away now.
In fact, I think I am beginning to become a bit impatient and I am usually quite patient. I am aware that it is almost 16 weeks (15 weeks, 4 days) and that the time is passing by but I feel as if I am in a bit of a lull and the time is not passing by quickly enough. I think I need to find things to occupy my time. In actuality, there are a lot of things that I can do but I am waiting for the 20 week mark.
I have downloaded a few apps and a pregnancy countdown timer as well and I've read all of the messages for the full 40 weeks so now all I do is reread them. I know what every test is for and I've acquainted myself with quite a few medical terms as well as all of the possible things that can go right and wrong. Basically, in an educated way, I am driving myself nuts!
I am very well aware that this is probably the one of the last totally free weeks that I will have for a long long time...well for the rest of my life because Nan has decided to get remarried and there is a wedding on the very near horizon as well as the temple's camp and the week after, school begins.
If all goes well, I plan to work until the Christmas break begins. Let's see how things turn out. As for the Ph.D. I am working on that slowly....very, very slowly. It may be too late to drop it because I'm half way through but the prospects of landing a public health job in Florida is next to nothing. I do feel a little more accomplished for getting the MPH and I am happy that I decided to pursue a Ph.D. but I am not sure what will happen when the baby comes. Thankfully, I got most of the studies completed before. I really do like the field and with the new rules for health insurance and the swing toward preventive medicine, we may be in demand shortly and hopefully, there will be more job openings in South Florida.
I am a bit upset about the deal that we got with teaching. I called last week to find out about what my insurance covers and found that as teachers, we get a good deal with benefits...for ourselves. To add a child to my insurance is another issue. I also found out that while teachers are allowed 12 weeks and their insurance is covered during that time, they are not paid, not even a fraction of their salary. I wondered about that. What about those teachers who live in single-income homes? While Ami and I are a bit more secure, I wondered how others do it. The life of a public servant is a tough one indeed!
Having a baby in this country is an expensive venture for middle class people who receive no aid from government, state or federal. From what I have seen, and it is not certain, the cheapest newborn insurance runs around $100. Then we have to wonder about someone who will see the baby and that is also another thing that will run up the bill. My mom, who has been wanting a grandchild for quite a long time, has volunteered to do as much babysitting as she can and I am totally on board with her more than anyone else but she cannot quit her job.
Either way, now that I know what's involved, I will save a little extra when the new school year begins just to be ahead. When I told my dad about the whole salary situation, he gave me a look and replied with the same answer that he always gave since we were little, "But anyhow, you're not going to starve!"
Friday, July 05, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
The whole barrage of tests
Lately, it seems as if all I've been going through is every conceivable prenatal test that exists. And of course it doesn't help to change doctors somewhere in week 10 of the pregnancy. I will speak about that later on or in a later post because it is something that upsets me. So back to the testing.
Combined with my new doctor and the one I had before, I've been to the/a doctor's office 5 times and have had blood drawn on 3 occasions and I'm only 14 weeks!
I am hoping that if I do decide to have another baby after this one, that the records will be there for these genetic markers and all of the extra testing will not be necessary.
So far, the most unnecessary test I had was an ultrasound on the 8 week mark to determine my due date. Unless you have totally irregular cycles or you had some kind of amnesia, this is a totally unnecessary test and at the 11-14 week nuchal translucency screening (a necessary ultrasound) they estimate the due date based on the baby's size, etc. In that way, you and the baby are not exposed to that many ultrasounds and you stay on the safer side of the ultrasound research. Some studies suggest that the high frequency waves may cause some sort of neurological damage and the number of ultrasounds/sonograms should be limited.
Otherwise, at about 8 weeks, I also had a series of blood tests. Well, I went to the LabCorp location and they took 8 vials (seemed endless). Thankfully, I've never been afraid of giving blood or having blood drawn but I can imagine the scene if I were or if Ami came along. Turns out that all of those screens came back okay and I was not a carrier for any genetic condition:) That eliminated another source of worry.
Last week, I had a nuchal translucency ultrasound and I got to watch for more than 30 minutes while my little one kicked up a storm and refused to get into a cooperative position. It was the best summer movie I saw so far and I cannot describe the happiness I felt. Ami hasn't been able to accompany me on any of these visits as he started a new job and he is on probation right now so he relies on me describing everything to him. Come to think of it, I never suggested to him that he needed to go except for the one where we find out the gender. I got four little pictures from this sonogram and today, I saw him pick up the picture and speak to it. The great news about this ultrasound is that the nuchal size came back within range so the risk of down syndrome is much lower. I also had two vials of blood taken at that visit since the new doctor ordered an integrative scan. I am not sure why she ordered the blood works as well but I think this was "new non-invasive research" from what I read.
Finally, I had another necessary test yesterday. There is a strong history of diabetes in my family. I thought that it was a bother having to go through it though but the doctor suggested that I take an early glucose screen. I had to be fasting so I scheduled an 8:30 appointment and sure enough, I was starving when I got there. I had to drink a 10 oz bottle of fruit punch flavored yuckiness with 50 grams of sugar. In the hour I sat in the waiting area, I prayed that this test turned out okay. Otherwise, I would be rescheduled for a 3 hour test that would require a blood draw every hour. Joy joy joy! After the hour, the phlebotomist took three vials (the doctor had also requested a thyroid and vitamin D scan). I drove to my parents house after, part because I was hungry and also because I wanted to test my blood sugar. It was about 15 minutes after I left the place and the reading was 105. Hopefully, it wouldn't be much different from what the LabCorp place reports and I am tolerating glucose well so far or either my baby has quite an appetite:)
It occurred to me while talking/venting to a friend yesterday that the reason why they were doing so many tests was because I have been married for 5 years and this is my first child at 30. Am I an anomaly? Do people have children sooner? At the time Ami and I got married, we did not think of having kids (really at the time we got married, neither of us wanted to have kids until a few years along) and we were still trying to become a little more established in life. I wondered if the doctors thought that I had been trying for a while and never conceived? That will be something for me to ask at my next visit (which is sure to come!). In the mean time, I thank God that I have insurance coverage and at the same time, I wonder if I would be going to the doctor so many times if I didn't.
Combined with my new doctor and the one I had before, I've been to the/a doctor's office 5 times and have had blood drawn on 3 occasions and I'm only 14 weeks!
I am hoping that if I do decide to have another baby after this one, that the records will be there for these genetic markers and all of the extra testing will not be necessary.
So far, the most unnecessary test I had was an ultrasound on the 8 week mark to determine my due date. Unless you have totally irregular cycles or you had some kind of amnesia, this is a totally unnecessary test and at the 11-14 week nuchal translucency screening (a necessary ultrasound) they estimate the due date based on the baby's size, etc. In that way, you and the baby are not exposed to that many ultrasounds and you stay on the safer side of the ultrasound research. Some studies suggest that the high frequency waves may cause some sort of neurological damage and the number of ultrasounds/sonograms should be limited.
Otherwise, at about 8 weeks, I also had a series of blood tests. Well, I went to the LabCorp location and they took 8 vials (seemed endless). Thankfully, I've never been afraid of giving blood or having blood drawn but I can imagine the scene if I were or if Ami came along. Turns out that all of those screens came back okay and I was not a carrier for any genetic condition:) That eliminated another source of worry.
Last week, I had a nuchal translucency ultrasound and I got to watch for more than 30 minutes while my little one kicked up a storm and refused to get into a cooperative position. It was the best summer movie I saw so far and I cannot describe the happiness I felt. Ami hasn't been able to accompany me on any of these visits as he started a new job and he is on probation right now so he relies on me describing everything to him. Come to think of it, I never suggested to him that he needed to go except for the one where we find out the gender. I got four little pictures from this sonogram and today, I saw him pick up the picture and speak to it. The great news about this ultrasound is that the nuchal size came back within range so the risk of down syndrome is much lower. I also had two vials of blood taken at that visit since the new doctor ordered an integrative scan. I am not sure why she ordered the blood works as well but I think this was "new non-invasive research" from what I read.
Finally, I had another necessary test yesterday. There is a strong history of diabetes in my family. I thought that it was a bother having to go through it though but the doctor suggested that I take an early glucose screen. I had to be fasting so I scheduled an 8:30 appointment and sure enough, I was starving when I got there. I had to drink a 10 oz bottle of fruit punch flavored yuckiness with 50 grams of sugar. In the hour I sat in the waiting area, I prayed that this test turned out okay. Otherwise, I would be rescheduled for a 3 hour test that would require a blood draw every hour. Joy joy joy! After the hour, the phlebotomist took three vials (the doctor had also requested a thyroid and vitamin D scan). I drove to my parents house after, part because I was hungry and also because I wanted to test my blood sugar. It was about 15 minutes after I left the place and the reading was 105. Hopefully, it wouldn't be much different from what the LabCorp place reports and I am tolerating glucose well so far or either my baby has quite an appetite:)
It occurred to me while talking/venting to a friend yesterday that the reason why they were doing so many tests was because I have been married for 5 years and this is my first child at 30. Am I an anomaly? Do people have children sooner? At the time Ami and I got married, we did not think of having kids (really at the time we got married, neither of us wanted to have kids until a few years along) and we were still trying to become a little more established in life. I wondered if the doctors thought that I had been trying for a while and never conceived? That will be something for me to ask at my next visit (which is sure to come!). In the mean time, I thank God that I have insurance coverage and at the same time, I wonder if I would be going to the doctor so many times if I didn't.
Essay on Religion and Spirituality
I have attached a link to an essay I wrote for my mandir (religious place of worship) about science and spirituality, two concepts that are very dear to me. Take a look:
http://www.fhosm.com/2011/03/14/science-and-religion/
http://www.fhosm.com/2011/03/14/science-and-religion/
Spirituality?
2011: Earlier in the night, I was asked to contribute to an ongoing posting on our mandir's new webpage. It is supposed to be about anything spiritual, opinionated or otherwise. I am not sure if my opinion will carry any weight or if it matters even but I have already given my word to contribute.
This leaves me now with the question, "what shall I write about?" I guess I have been in a sort of limbo lately. I am not so sure that I should be the one to write about spirituality. To write and expect people to read your opinion is somewhat presumptuous and i guess this was a major reason for privatizing my blog. I wasn't too sure I wanted to share my thoughts with the world anymore. See, I am at a point where I am not too happy with the way I worship and I am experimenting with ways to achieve that communion. I may be saying a series of prayers like I was taught from since I was young, then all of a sudden I get quiet and I stay still. It alternates. Sometimes, I chant.
Either way, I am a little bit....
2013: As you can see, I never finished this post. Nor do I even remember where I left off.
This leaves me now with the question, "what shall I write about?" I guess I have been in a sort of limbo lately. I am not so sure that I should be the one to write about spirituality. To write and expect people to read your opinion is somewhat presumptuous and i guess this was a major reason for privatizing my blog. I wasn't too sure I wanted to share my thoughts with the world anymore. See, I am at a point where I am not too happy with the way I worship and I am experimenting with ways to achieve that communion. I may be saying a series of prayers like I was taught from since I was young, then all of a sudden I get quiet and I stay still. It alternates. Sometimes, I chant.
Either way, I am a little bit....
2013: As you can see, I never finished this post. Nor do I even remember where I left off.
Monday, June 24, 2013
A small drop of happiness:)
Today, I am happy. Happiness is a fleeting thing in this human world though but I do think that being made human, we were made to feel and experience every emotion and in doing so, we learn. Today, I am 13 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Tomorrow, the second trimester begins and we get a little closer. I love the little one and he/she isn't even born yet!
Everyone speaks about changes that occur during pregnancy. There really haven't been a lot for me but here's some that I've noticed.
Sleeping/Waking: For one, I am typing this blog at 8:39 am! For anyone who knows me, they will agree that if I don't have to work, I will wake up in time to see the last 15-30 minutes of the morning...if I am lucky! I've been waking up before Ami in the mornings (around 6-ish) and he is the one who has to work! In fact, he is getting used to the idea of me waking up and seeing him off to work. The reason is of course having to go to the restroom and then I am ridiculously hungry to the point of feeling nauseous every morning. Ami jokes that the baby is definitely like him because it needs food all the time. Now that I am used to it, it's actually a good thing waking up and seeing the morning go by. Actually, it was something that I was very much afraid of when I thought of having a kid. I wasn't disciplined about going to bed and waking up on time and now it seems as if the problem has fixed itself.
Another thing I've noted about sleeping is I have some very strange dreams. It's like a guaranteed movie every time I go to bed...not that I like all of the dreams I have but I definitely have very real and very strange dreams.
Food Cravings/Aversions: So far, I haven't really felt any strange or bizarre cravings nor do I think my sense of smell is anymore intensified. But then again, I always thought my sense of smell was pretty good so maybe nothing changed. The only thing I crave are sweets but not the junk food kinds so much, just fruits or anything with fruits. Before, the only time of the year I ate fruits was during the times of the year I fasted. I just read that it could be that my body needs vitamin C. In fact, I think I have gotten very sensitive to the taste of intensely sweet. I don't like it. Only the fruits. They seem to have the right amount of sugar.
Another major change was that I started cooking more at home and when I am too lazy to cook, I go over more to my mom's house because she always has something and she's all too willing to have us come over and raid her kitchen. And that is exactly what I do...raid the kitchen. I was really looking for the food I grew up eating: the roti and vegetables in the morning, dAl and rice, and the curries. I totally love this change. Both the food and seeing my parents every day/ every other day.
In the beginning, I lost my love affair with coffee and I haven't yet really regained it. No big loss though. I cannot even think of what it was that I loved so much about coffee. Then again, I was drinking entirely too much of it anyway and what really made me stop was when I heard my little one's heartbeat for the first time and found out that the coffee was teratogenic in nature and it could accelerate the heartbeat. I've also pretty much cut out soda and started drinking fruit juice and water. The orange juice makes the vitamins go down. That's pretty much the only real aversion I've had...the sight of the vitamin bottle. Not the taste or anything (although I never liked the taste of medicine, the nasty, icky, disgusting coating on pills, or swallowing any pill....I'd rather take an injection!) but I could not look at the bottle. It may be something psychological though.
While I had very mild bouts of feeling nauseous, I didn't suffer terrifying bouts of nausea/morning sickness during this trimester and I can only pray that it continues this way. It may be something that runs in families because my mom wasn't really sick when she was having us either. The one downside to this was that I gained weight in the first trimester. Like about 8 lbs. Compared to feeling sick all the time though, I'd rather gain the weight. I can think of a hundred different ways to lose weight but throwing up at the sight of food will make me utterly depressed. I am not too worried though because for the last 2-3 weeks, I haven't gained anything more and I am making an effort to walk at least 3 days/ week. By the way, my clothes still fit but they're getting on the tight, soon-to-be-uncomfortable end. Trying to see how far I can get before going crazy with buying clothes though.
Mood Swings: I am irritable sometimes. Sometimes I get angry. I get teary eyed way too easily and for the most trivial things. Ami definitely didn't like these changes and I didn't really enjoy the irritability part because I'm usually a lot more easy going. I am making a conscious effort to observe and keep my moods in check though. Music helps a whole lot.
Lastly, I never really thought that I would be excited to go to a doctor's office as I am now. I'm not sure of anyone who loves going to the ob/gyn's but for now I love going there. I get happy when I hear that little heartbeat. It's worth every other embarrassment you feel in that office. For now, I have only one wish. I hope this little life, whether boy or girl, is born with love and compassion for humanity and an intense and unshakable faith in God or that I am able to teach this to my little one. With that, everything else will be okay.
Everyone speaks about changes that occur during pregnancy. There really haven't been a lot for me but here's some that I've noticed.
Sleeping/Waking: For one, I am typing this blog at 8:39 am! For anyone who knows me, they will agree that if I don't have to work, I will wake up in time to see the last 15-30 minutes of the morning...if I am lucky! I've been waking up before Ami in the mornings (around 6-ish) and he is the one who has to work! In fact, he is getting used to the idea of me waking up and seeing him off to work. The reason is of course having to go to the restroom and then I am ridiculously hungry to the point of feeling nauseous every morning. Ami jokes that the baby is definitely like him because it needs food all the time. Now that I am used to it, it's actually a good thing waking up and seeing the morning go by. Actually, it was something that I was very much afraid of when I thought of having a kid. I wasn't disciplined about going to bed and waking up on time and now it seems as if the problem has fixed itself.
Another thing I've noted about sleeping is I have some very strange dreams. It's like a guaranteed movie every time I go to bed...not that I like all of the dreams I have but I definitely have very real and very strange dreams.
Food Cravings/Aversions: So far, I haven't really felt any strange or bizarre cravings nor do I think my sense of smell is anymore intensified. But then again, I always thought my sense of smell was pretty good so maybe nothing changed. The only thing I crave are sweets but not the junk food kinds so much, just fruits or anything with fruits. Before, the only time of the year I ate fruits was during the times of the year I fasted. I just read that it could be that my body needs vitamin C. In fact, I think I have gotten very sensitive to the taste of intensely sweet. I don't like it. Only the fruits. They seem to have the right amount of sugar.
Another major change was that I started cooking more at home and when I am too lazy to cook, I go over more to my mom's house because she always has something and she's all too willing to have us come over and raid her kitchen. And that is exactly what I do...raid the kitchen. I was really looking for the food I grew up eating: the roti and vegetables in the morning, dAl and rice, and the curries. I totally love this change. Both the food and seeing my parents every day/ every other day.
In the beginning, I lost my love affair with coffee and I haven't yet really regained it. No big loss though. I cannot even think of what it was that I loved so much about coffee. Then again, I was drinking entirely too much of it anyway and what really made me stop was when I heard my little one's heartbeat for the first time and found out that the coffee was teratogenic in nature and it could accelerate the heartbeat. I've also pretty much cut out soda and started drinking fruit juice and water. The orange juice makes the vitamins go down. That's pretty much the only real aversion I've had...the sight of the vitamin bottle. Not the taste or anything (although I never liked the taste of medicine, the nasty, icky, disgusting coating on pills, or swallowing any pill....I'd rather take an injection!) but I could not look at the bottle. It may be something psychological though.
While I had very mild bouts of feeling nauseous, I didn't suffer terrifying bouts of nausea/morning sickness during this trimester and I can only pray that it continues this way. It may be something that runs in families because my mom wasn't really sick when she was having us either. The one downside to this was that I gained weight in the first trimester. Like about 8 lbs. Compared to feeling sick all the time though, I'd rather gain the weight. I can think of a hundred different ways to lose weight but throwing up at the sight of food will make me utterly depressed. I am not too worried though because for the last 2-3 weeks, I haven't gained anything more and I am making an effort to walk at least 3 days/ week. By the way, my clothes still fit but they're getting on the tight, soon-to-be-uncomfortable end. Trying to see how far I can get before going crazy with buying clothes though.
Mood Swings: I am irritable sometimes. Sometimes I get angry. I get teary eyed way too easily and for the most trivial things. Ami definitely didn't like these changes and I didn't really enjoy the irritability part because I'm usually a lot more easy going. I am making a conscious effort to observe and keep my moods in check though. Music helps a whole lot.
Lastly, I never really thought that I would be excited to go to a doctor's office as I am now. I'm not sure of anyone who loves going to the ob/gyn's but for now I love going there. I get happy when I hear that little heartbeat. It's worth every other embarrassment you feel in that office. For now, I have only one wish. I hope this little life, whether boy or girl, is born with love and compassion for humanity and an intense and unshakable faith in God or that I am able to teach this to my little one. With that, everything else will be okay.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
My take on Hindustani classical music:)
I always wanted to learn music...like really study it in a way that I understood what was happening when the singer was singing..not necessarily that I would become a singer but I just wanted to know. Today, thanks to Ami's constant study and listening to him practice, I have a series of bandishes (small tunes that define the raagas and allowed for "heard" passing along of the music through generations) in my head and I can pretty much figure out from the feeling evoked what time of the day they need to be sung. Sometimes, I can be wrong on the time though...I have a bias for certain raagas:).
Hindustani classical music is so vast that you can never really learn the full depth of it but tonight I felt happy. I was listening to an old song...pyar kiya to darna kya (madhubala movie) and I heard the first seven seconds of the video and was able to tell that raaga darbari was being defined.
In all of my years, I never thought that I would be able to figure out what was going on and now, not only do I know what was happening, I figured out that two other raagas (jaunpuri and adana) that happen to be favorites of mine were related to darbari...but darbari is heavier (for want of a better word) and more regal. Darbari and Hameer remind me of court music and by listening to it, you feel as if you are transported to the kingly courts of India's past. With entertainment like that, who needs a tv!
I saw tonight what Ami always says about achieving moksha through intense study of music. For a musician, it is their bliss, their commune. Sometimes, when I listen to him sing, he has so much fun that he would sing if no one was there to listen to him.
The one downside to all of this hearing is that your ear becomes trained to listen for what the singer is doing or about to do and to anticipate it. When the sound you are expecting to hear does not come, the errors manifest and you cannot fully enjoy the performance...Realized this the other day when I listen to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan (a giant, and a favorite of mine) sing "chaap tilak." Thankfully, I am nowhere near to the feeling that Ami describes as "nails scraping on a chalkboard." ..and he still appreciates Nusrat's music...will never say that about a giant in the field! Either way, the good thing about the music of Nusrat-ji is it puts you in that Sufi vortex and you get caught in the energy of his songs.
So in my spiritual travel, I have entered this field of learning...of really letting the music sink in through every pore and get fully absorbed until it is nothing...no more feeling attached to it.
And one more thing...I think i really like music! It's not just Hindustani but any music that is sung from the belly (within). I obviously need to work on my descriptions! It's like painting a picture...and it's strange because each raaga has it's own manifestation in painted art too! Ami's enthusiasm has grown on me and I've come to believe in the idea that if you really long for something, you will get it. I remember the days when we were newly married, in the little apartment when Ami sang and realized that he could go no further if he didn't have a teacher. Then his guruji came through the very door of that apartment:) In the course of his study, I was able to learn things that he described and I always wanted to know.
Hindustani classical music is so vast that you can never really learn the full depth of it but tonight I felt happy. I was listening to an old song...pyar kiya to darna kya (madhubala movie) and I heard the first seven seconds of the video and was able to tell that raaga darbari was being defined.
In all of my years, I never thought that I would be able to figure out what was going on and now, not only do I know what was happening, I figured out that two other raagas (jaunpuri and adana) that happen to be favorites of mine were related to darbari...but darbari is heavier (for want of a better word) and more regal. Darbari and Hameer remind me of court music and by listening to it, you feel as if you are transported to the kingly courts of India's past. With entertainment like that, who needs a tv!
I saw tonight what Ami always says about achieving moksha through intense study of music. For a musician, it is their bliss, their commune. Sometimes, when I listen to him sing, he has so much fun that he would sing if no one was there to listen to him.
The one downside to all of this hearing is that your ear becomes trained to listen for what the singer is doing or about to do and to anticipate it. When the sound you are expecting to hear does not come, the errors manifest and you cannot fully enjoy the performance...Realized this the other day when I listen to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan (a giant, and a favorite of mine) sing "chaap tilak." Thankfully, I am nowhere near to the feeling that Ami describes as "nails scraping on a chalkboard." ..and he still appreciates Nusrat's music...will never say that about a giant in the field! Either way, the good thing about the music of Nusrat-ji is it puts you in that Sufi vortex and you get caught in the energy of his songs.
So in my spiritual travel, I have entered this field of learning...of really letting the music sink in through every pore and get fully absorbed until it is nothing...no more feeling attached to it.
And one more thing...I think i really like music! It's not just Hindustani but any music that is sung from the belly (within). I obviously need to work on my descriptions! It's like painting a picture...and it's strange because each raaga has it's own manifestation in painted art too! Ami's enthusiasm has grown on me and I've come to believe in the idea that if you really long for something, you will get it. I remember the days when we were newly married, in the little apartment when Ami sang and realized that he could go no further if he didn't have a teacher. Then his guruji came through the very door of that apartment:) In the course of his study, I was able to learn things that he described and I always wanted to know.
Monday, March 12, 2012
spiritual crossroads
I am not sure what is going on in my head but a few weeks ago, the thought came to my head that i was in need of spiritual advancement. I feel as if i am frustrated now. i am at a point where i need to find a pathway and i am seeing it but cannot get there fast enough. it is the frustration that keeps you awake at night in the silence. Not sure what needs to be done but i do not want to lose the feeling of what is beneath the surface. I feel as if i am someone walking on a lake that is iced over and i am seeing what is beneath but i cannot get under.
I have been repeating a the lines of Adishankara, "chidananda roopam shivoham shivoham" over and over in my head and i think i am ready to learn more and move ahead. I pray that i don't lose this feeling. with it, i feel satisfied and contented. imagine that, the mere thought of becoming closer makes one happy! the prevailing thought is that all else does not matter.
on another note, i was speaking to a friend the other day about the feeling of contentment and she said that it may not really exist because of the lower levels of maslow's hierarchy and human yearning to fulfill those levels does not allow for contentment. for a while, i wondered if being of Hindu heritage made contentment a possibility minus Maslow. my only answer was to state that i may be the exception to the rule that makes every psychologist's world less than perfect. or another reasoning was that there were not many things i needed to accomplish and i had already climbed my ladder.
I have been repeating a the lines of Adishankara, "chidananda roopam shivoham shivoham" over and over in my head and i think i am ready to learn more and move ahead. I pray that i don't lose this feeling. with it, i feel satisfied and contented. imagine that, the mere thought of becoming closer makes one happy! the prevailing thought is that all else does not matter.
on another note, i was speaking to a friend the other day about the feeling of contentment and she said that it may not really exist because of the lower levels of maslow's hierarchy and human yearning to fulfill those levels does not allow for contentment. for a while, i wondered if being of Hindu heritage made contentment a possibility minus Maslow. my only answer was to state that i may be the exception to the rule that makes every psychologist's world less than perfect. or another reasoning was that there were not many things i needed to accomplish and i had already climbed my ladder.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Taking a stance
This week was by far the hardest, most difficult week I have ever had in my whole teaching career and yet, it wasn't my students. It's a hard thing to teach in this country. You have to do something that other teachers in other countries don't have to do (or don't have to spend as much time doing). That is making the students care about their futures and motivating them. You have to learn that it's just not about you in the classroom but you have to consider the young ones and allow them time to speak. Either way, it is this very same thing I fought for this week and I was surprised by the reaction of the people above me.
Since the beginning of this year, I was asked to teach the students how to pass the FCAT Science test (an integrated science test) rather than teach Chemistry to my 11th grade students. At every given moment, I dodged the superiors until I got caught and had no choice but to meet with them to explain myself.
See, our school gets money based on these test scores and the money entices many. The fame and glory of becoming a letter grade higher is more appealing than sending these students off to college with some degree of preparedness. I was being asked to stop teaching chemistry and give the students a grade for Integrated Science (therefore, inflating their grade) and I found it completely unethical. My students, even though they aren't the best in Chemistry preferred to learn and struggle through the harder subject rather than relearn Integrated Science. Seeing that they needed to pass the test though, I emailed them the materials to study from at home. But it wasn't enough for the powers that be.
So I had a meeting. I brought in my union rep, refused outright, cried, and ended up asking if they didn't care about these kids' futures. No one dared to reply after. I did find out that there was a law that was set up to prevent all of what was being asked of me so I did send it to my administrator with a note letting her know that she was asking me to break the law.
Maybe this will not go anywhere but at the same time, I had had enough. Sometimes, you have to say enough is enough and I surely had enough. If having a paycheck requires you to compromise your values, then that paycheck is not worth it. My parents never did this and they never raised us to put money over people....especially these kids. They may not all become chemists but if given the foundation, who is to say what they will do in college? This is my responsibility. Even if we never finish the syllabus, at least they would have learned a few chapters very well so that they aren't completely lost when they sit in an auditorium and listen to the drone of their college professors.
As the week progressed, the superiors avoided me and it wasn't as if I went out of my way looking for them. There was a barrage of stupid requests that I realized was their way of getting cheap thrills and I played along. I have yet to see what will come of this but until then, I will wait.
Since the beginning of this year, I was asked to teach the students how to pass the FCAT Science test (an integrated science test) rather than teach Chemistry to my 11th grade students. At every given moment, I dodged the superiors until I got caught and had no choice but to meet with them to explain myself.
See, our school gets money based on these test scores and the money entices many. The fame and glory of becoming a letter grade higher is more appealing than sending these students off to college with some degree of preparedness. I was being asked to stop teaching chemistry and give the students a grade for Integrated Science (therefore, inflating their grade) and I found it completely unethical. My students, even though they aren't the best in Chemistry preferred to learn and struggle through the harder subject rather than relearn Integrated Science. Seeing that they needed to pass the test though, I emailed them the materials to study from at home. But it wasn't enough for the powers that be.
So I had a meeting. I brought in my union rep, refused outright, cried, and ended up asking if they didn't care about these kids' futures. No one dared to reply after. I did find out that there was a law that was set up to prevent all of what was being asked of me so I did send it to my administrator with a note letting her know that she was asking me to break the law.
Maybe this will not go anywhere but at the same time, I had had enough. Sometimes, you have to say enough is enough and I surely had enough. If having a paycheck requires you to compromise your values, then that paycheck is not worth it. My parents never did this and they never raised us to put money over people....especially these kids. They may not all become chemists but if given the foundation, who is to say what they will do in college? This is my responsibility. Even if we never finish the syllabus, at least they would have learned a few chapters very well so that they aren't completely lost when they sit in an auditorium and listen to the drone of their college professors.
As the week progressed, the superiors avoided me and it wasn't as if I went out of my way looking for them. There was a barrage of stupid requests that I realized was their way of getting cheap thrills and I played along. I have yet to see what will come of this but until then, I will wait.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Sadness
I think I have realized the one greatest sadness in this human life....seeing another human cry...especially a child. Something tears at my heart when I see this. We all deal with loss but it always hurts the same way every time. Today was the funeral for Abdon and Jesus' mom. It was done completely in Spanish but grief has no language. These children (Abdon, Jesus, and their sister Yarilis) stood crying over their mother's coffin as it was lowered in the grave. She was only 40. I couldn't think of anything to say to Abdon. The pain never goes away...it only becomes a dull throb but it is there. I've realized that part of being human is recognizing that these feelings are real and we all go through them at some point.
I know that their mom was sick but she did hold out as long as she could. She waited until the sister had celebrated her quinceanera. The thing about cancer is the suffering. The patient really suffers but you want them to stay so badly. you hope that they are the one miracle and sometimes we get disappointed. Today, Jesus, the "strong" one could no longer be strong. I felt so badly for these kids!
I can only pray one prayer and it is that these kids will always carry their mother's love with them, and that they remember her and what she taught them. She grew them up to be amazing and affectionate and they will always have that. Her suffering is done and their journey has begun.
I know that their mom was sick but she did hold out as long as she could. She waited until the sister had celebrated her quinceanera. The thing about cancer is the suffering. The patient really suffers but you want them to stay so badly. you hope that they are the one miracle and sometimes we get disappointed. Today, Jesus, the "strong" one could no longer be strong. I felt so badly for these kids!
I can only pray one prayer and it is that these kids will always carry their mother's love with them, and that they remember her and what she taught them. She grew them up to be amazing and affectionate and they will always have that. Her suffering is done and their journey has begun.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Reality
Every now and again, we tend to forget to look outside that little bubble in which we live and see the larger picture. Teaching has a way of bursting that bubble quickly. It is a highly interactive job and I have come to love it. Not for the fact that i impart knowledge but because i get to meet all these different personalities. We went back to work on Monday but it was only today that I saw the kids. Really, I don't go to the breakfasts because there is nothing beyond the coffee that i can eat however, today I went. The kids were serving breakfast so I was pretty sure that I would see some of my students from last year. And saw I did! I got hugged and squeezed as well!
Later on, I had to leave my room because it was being used as a "display" room for the new student orientation. I was entering the building and walking in the planning area when I saw two little indian boys...an older brother, about 7, holding his younger brother who's 3, on his lap. Of course I had to stop and talk to them. I'm a lot better when it comes to talking to the little ones now. Either way, it's a lot of fun. The older brother told me that he was there with his mom because his eldest brother will be entering school this year and i found out this evening that the eldest brother will be in my 9th grade class.
Here's where reality steps in....I was waiting in Janice's room because my room was still occupied....when one of my students from last year walked in. I got another hug/squeeze. Janice had her for biology and i had her for chem. Either way, after I asked her how she was, she blurted out to me that she was getting evicted from her home. Turns out that they were one of the millions of families who fell behind on their mortgages because they bought homes when the prices were inflated. Even though her dad went to the company and told them he couldn't make the monthly payment, the bankers gave him the usual run around and they were ignored. By this time, Janice realized that I was having a deeper conversation with the kid and she joined in as well. Somewhere in the whole thing, I thought of where this family would have to live now or if they will even have a place to stay. Things are worse than it looks.
Then, I went to put up a poster in the cafeteria for the new Ecology club that I decided to chair this year. I saw more of my students and even met a parent of one little darling i had last year. The parent hugged me too:D This is a great job! Either way, I met a student whose mother has cervical cancer. All of last year, we spoke about it because we were both in the same boat. Actually, I never had this student...I had his brother, Jesus, in 2009. It turned out that Jesus was transferred to my class because he was an 11th grader and I mostly teach this group. When he came over, he was failing and I knew his attendance as horrible. The teacher before told me that he was just an unmotivated kid but i noticed that when Jesus showed up to class, he was pretty smart. At the same time, Janice found out from the younger brother that their mother had cancer and on her really bad days, either him or Jesus would stay home with her to help her walk or move her around the house. The kid's name is Abdon. He was Janice's but somehow, he took a liking to me as well and every time his mom ended up in the hospital, he would come to us to sort of cheer him up. Him and Jesus dealt with it differently. he is more sensitive. Jesus hides it. Either way, when the mom was first diagnosed, she had no health insurance. She had to wait a long time and deal with the run around again for some kind-hearted person to give her some sort of insurance. All the while, the cancer spread. We heard of the hysterectomy, the hair loss, the pain, the nausea, the numerous trips to the hospital, and finally today, I was hoping when i asked that she was still alive for this child's sake. After he hugged me for a while, almost as if he was letting all the sentiments out, he told me that his mother's stomach was now swollen and she couldn't walk anymore. All the while, this student will graduate in the top 10% of his class.
Finally, we returned to Janice's classroom and there were three kids waiting in there. One of them had already graduated and the other two would graduate in this school year. We were asking the one who graduated about his school goals, etc. and we found out that he was not going to school, only working. I couldn't remember where I had seen this kid until he said his name and I realized that i had seen his picture on my class roster. He was enrolled but always got switched out of my class. Either way, Janice was asking him why he wasn't going to school if he also graduated in the first 10% of his class. I was telling him that by getting the letter from the governor, he was ensured access to any public university in Florida. He didn't know that. He was telling us that he needs to work to help his parents and I was telling him that you can work and go to school too...even if it's only one class. Then something clicked. His name. He was an immigrant. I blurted it out, " can you even get registered in school?" I hadn't noticed until then that he had put on his sunglasses and I could no longer see his eyes. He was making up things to hide the fact that he had no papers. He told me a truthful and very heartbreaking, "no." This is the third kid from that one graduating class who came out in the top 50 (10%) students and couldn't get to go on to college even though he wanted to. Even worse is the fact that the valedictorian of next year's class is in the same position.
They tell us not to not get so close to these students but you end up really liking them. You hear their stories and it breaks your heart. Every day, you hear politicians squabbling about health care, the housing problem, and immigration and here you have these children telling you so openly about their problems. Right about now I feel like walking into congress and telling all of these a-holes to go f*ck themselves since the only ones they really care about is themselves anyway!
Later on, I had to leave my room because it was being used as a "display" room for the new student orientation. I was entering the building and walking in the planning area when I saw two little indian boys...an older brother, about 7, holding his younger brother who's 3, on his lap. Of course I had to stop and talk to them. I'm a lot better when it comes to talking to the little ones now. Either way, it's a lot of fun. The older brother told me that he was there with his mom because his eldest brother will be entering school this year and i found out this evening that the eldest brother will be in my 9th grade class.
Here's where reality steps in....I was waiting in Janice's room because my room was still occupied....when one of my students from last year walked in. I got another hug/squeeze. Janice had her for biology and i had her for chem. Either way, after I asked her how she was, she blurted out to me that she was getting evicted from her home. Turns out that they were one of the millions of families who fell behind on their mortgages because they bought homes when the prices were inflated. Even though her dad went to the company and told them he couldn't make the monthly payment, the bankers gave him the usual run around and they were ignored. By this time, Janice realized that I was having a deeper conversation with the kid and she joined in as well. Somewhere in the whole thing, I thought of where this family would have to live now or if they will even have a place to stay. Things are worse than it looks.
Then, I went to put up a poster in the cafeteria for the new Ecology club that I decided to chair this year. I saw more of my students and even met a parent of one little darling i had last year. The parent hugged me too:D This is a great job! Either way, I met a student whose mother has cervical cancer. All of last year, we spoke about it because we were both in the same boat. Actually, I never had this student...I had his brother, Jesus, in 2009. It turned out that Jesus was transferred to my class because he was an 11th grader and I mostly teach this group. When he came over, he was failing and I knew his attendance as horrible. The teacher before told me that he was just an unmotivated kid but i noticed that when Jesus showed up to class, he was pretty smart. At the same time, Janice found out from the younger brother that their mother had cancer and on her really bad days, either him or Jesus would stay home with her to help her walk or move her around the house. The kid's name is Abdon. He was Janice's but somehow, he took a liking to me as well and every time his mom ended up in the hospital, he would come to us to sort of cheer him up. Him and Jesus dealt with it differently. he is more sensitive. Jesus hides it. Either way, when the mom was first diagnosed, she had no health insurance. She had to wait a long time and deal with the run around again for some kind-hearted person to give her some sort of insurance. All the while, the cancer spread. We heard of the hysterectomy, the hair loss, the pain, the nausea, the numerous trips to the hospital, and finally today, I was hoping when i asked that she was still alive for this child's sake. After he hugged me for a while, almost as if he was letting all the sentiments out, he told me that his mother's stomach was now swollen and she couldn't walk anymore. All the while, this student will graduate in the top 10% of his class.
Finally, we returned to Janice's classroom and there were three kids waiting in there. One of them had already graduated and the other two would graduate in this school year. We were asking the one who graduated about his school goals, etc. and we found out that he was not going to school, only working. I couldn't remember where I had seen this kid until he said his name and I realized that i had seen his picture on my class roster. He was enrolled but always got switched out of my class. Either way, Janice was asking him why he wasn't going to school if he also graduated in the first 10% of his class. I was telling him that by getting the letter from the governor, he was ensured access to any public university in Florida. He didn't know that. He was telling us that he needs to work to help his parents and I was telling him that you can work and go to school too...even if it's only one class. Then something clicked. His name. He was an immigrant. I blurted it out, " can you even get registered in school?" I hadn't noticed until then that he had put on his sunglasses and I could no longer see his eyes. He was making up things to hide the fact that he had no papers. He told me a truthful and very heartbreaking, "no." This is the third kid from that one graduating class who came out in the top 50 (10%) students and couldn't get to go on to college even though he wanted to. Even worse is the fact that the valedictorian of next year's class is in the same position.
They tell us not to not get so close to these students but you end up really liking them. You hear their stories and it breaks your heart. Every day, you hear politicians squabbling about health care, the housing problem, and immigration and here you have these children telling you so openly about their problems. Right about now I feel like walking into congress and telling all of these a-holes to go f*ck themselves since the only ones they really care about is themselves anyway!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
July 28th, 2010. On Loss and coming to terms
Very soon, it will be 6 months since Sanjay died. It still doesn't register fully in my mind that he's gone because I still think that he's here. August will be a hard month. It is his birth month, the month his brother, Subhas, died and 12 years since all of us came to the US. In fact, the only thing I ever really associated August with was Sanjay's birthday. I miss him a lot. I find myself skipping over songs that he used to like or songs that I listened to at various times during his illness. In fact, the only thing from that time that I can listen to is the Hanuman Chalisa. The pictures are hard to look at. I am afraid to call his mom and sister because I don't know what to say to them nor do I want to visit the house. Things come and go now. I remember little things and they all make sense now. There were so many things I overlooked when he was sick.
Five months...that is what it took for him to really deteriorate. How I wish that he didn't have to lie in bed for those five months! He was so strong! Even when i visited him in the few days before he died, it didn't register in my mind that he was so sick. I felt the tumors on his sides, and even thought they would go away.
Deep down, I know things will be better. One day. It seems as if the family took a good shaking. Every now and again, we get a good one but this one hit hard.
I'll continue this blog....or maybe not.......
Five months...that is what it took for him to really deteriorate. How I wish that he didn't have to lie in bed for those five months! He was so strong! Even when i visited him in the few days before he died, it didn't register in my mind that he was so sick. I felt the tumors on his sides, and even thought they would go away.
Deep down, I know things will be better. One day. It seems as if the family took a good shaking. Every now and again, we get a good one but this one hit hard.
I'll continue this blog....or maybe not.......
Sunday, June 27, 2010
work and play
Today, we had to go back into school to work on a new class that will open up in the fall semester. I was so happy when I got there and I saw that the tv was on and the game between the US and Algeria was showing. I think that the US needed this win and I agree with MSNBC on this. Lately, I haven't really enjoyed watching the news and seeing everyone blame the President for everything that went wrong. It's almost as if they didn't realize that other people ruled before him and put us in the current situation. And as for the oil spill, I would like to think that it doesn't exist but it is real and scary. I cannot begin to imagine how we would recover fully from this if the environment is still recovering from the Exxon-Valdez! But today, I was thankful for Landon Donovan and the goal he scored for this country.
Now, while on break, another teacher came and he began to talk to the guy I was working with. He was asking him why he doesn't teach Arabic and they were talking about the possibility of opening up a course in the school. They began talking about the script and the direction you write in and he looked at me and asked about the language I spoke and if sanskrit was written from right to left as well. Sometimes I wonder at how blissfully little people know! I know this guy knows that I am from Trinidad but I guess I look a certain way and i've often heard, "well you don't look trini!" So I played along. I told him that the language is hindi and it is a derivative of sanskrit which is the mother of all languages. He looked at me and said, "I don't think so."
me: "Why?"
guy: "because that's not what we learn in school."
me: "That's because you are being taught what people want you to know. as teachers we see this. we are never taught eastern civilization because to the westerners we were a backward and uncivilized country that needed to be taught how to be 'civilized'. and even after they found out about mohenjo daro and harappa it was never taught in school to be the oldest civilization because that will take it away from the judeo-christian sites and we can't have that now! " Now, these things piss me off. It's a stereotype but I saw that the guy was holding on to something he had been taught and he believed it was true. So I told him about the number system and how the "hindus" got left out of that too and about pythagoras and the bogusness we are taught to believe is true. I even told him that we were probably the most labeled set of people in the world. somewhere in that, i told this guy that i never sat in any of these classes because I didn't think i needed someone who studied books come and tell me about where I was from and what I was. That will just be another label. He did admit that another one of his hindu friends had the same issue with taking Western civilization classes.
Earlier this month, I took a class where I learned about the history of France and about France's power and how the French taught the world about the art of fine dining and somewhere along the course of the class, I asked myself if I was being brainwashed to believe something. Would this make me want to become French because they were the measure of what a civilized people are? Ok, how about no. See, there is a problem here....one should not be convinced but one should be presented with ideas and as a human, one is able to discriminate and form an opinion. Maybe this is why I like teaching science. It doesn't get involved in all the drama of a dog chasing its tail.
Takes me back to the week I taught Evolution...I teach biology, chemistry...and everything else in between.... At the beginning of the week, i had students look at me as if I was the devil. I had a boy hold on to his bible and he even asked to leave the class. Of course I let him go. But I did tell them that I was not giving my opinion, nor was I going to tell anyone that they came from monkeys because that is where the problem started but simply presenting them with scientific evidence. I realized that week that I had to erase years of brainwashing and that was a challenge. Quite possibly, I think i spent less time explaining chemistry to them that I did with evolution. at the end of the week, i had a conservative christian girl tell another one that she couldn't read the Bible anymore because it was "all lies" according to her. I stopped her there. Religion is important, regardless of what it is, one needs faith and one needs belief because it gives hope. I told her that even though the Bible is a compilation of books written by different people and later, subject to revisions, there were still many good things to learn and now that she knew the science, she should not relinquish her religion but stand firmly in it. I think more than anything else, evolution taught me to believe in God than to not believe at all and Chemistry sealed it. Just a minor digression....
So now it's Sunday morning, 3:18 am and I am still awake. Have been watching Russell Peters and trying to keep the laughing down. He's as hilarious as it gets.
Today, the US lost the game with Ghana. Ghana played well but I was really rooting for the US and I thought that they did try in the end. I actually felt like crying when they lost and that was when I realized that I may like this sport more than I thought. I know it's not really a sport that's followed by many Americans like American football but I was happy to see that more Americans were getting involved in the games. I guess I really like football for the game because even though, admittedly, I began watching because of all the really handsome footballers, it's not about them anymore. I actually follow the game and sometimes don't really notice the guys as much.... maybe that's being married. I've noticed that the conversations between me and my friends have changed. See, I have two sets of girl friends. Married and unmarried ones. Most of the married ones live here and the unmarried ones live back home, in Trinidad. Sometimes, the conversations get a little bit awkward. The only saving grace is that I made these friends over a decade ago so we have lots of memories. Thank God for friends...and family too!
Now, while on break, another teacher came and he began to talk to the guy I was working with. He was asking him why he doesn't teach Arabic and they were talking about the possibility of opening up a course in the school. They began talking about the script and the direction you write in and he looked at me and asked about the language I spoke and if sanskrit was written from right to left as well. Sometimes I wonder at how blissfully little people know! I know this guy knows that I am from Trinidad but I guess I look a certain way and i've often heard, "well you don't look trini!" So I played along. I told him that the language is hindi and it is a derivative of sanskrit which is the mother of all languages. He looked at me and said, "I don't think so."
me: "Why?"
guy: "because that's not what we learn in school."
me: "That's because you are being taught what people want you to know. as teachers we see this. we are never taught eastern civilization because to the westerners we were a backward and uncivilized country that needed to be taught how to be 'civilized'. and even after they found out about mohenjo daro and harappa it was never taught in school to be the oldest civilization because that will take it away from the judeo-christian sites and we can't have that now! " Now, these things piss me off. It's a stereotype but I saw that the guy was holding on to something he had been taught and he believed it was true. So I told him about the number system and how the "hindus" got left out of that too and about pythagoras and the bogusness we are taught to believe is true. I even told him that we were probably the most labeled set of people in the world. somewhere in that, i told this guy that i never sat in any of these classes because I didn't think i needed someone who studied books come and tell me about where I was from and what I was. That will just be another label. He did admit that another one of his hindu friends had the same issue with taking Western civilization classes.
Earlier this month, I took a class where I learned about the history of France and about France's power and how the French taught the world about the art of fine dining and somewhere along the course of the class, I asked myself if I was being brainwashed to believe something. Would this make me want to become French because they were the measure of what a civilized people are? Ok, how about no. See, there is a problem here....one should not be convinced but one should be presented with ideas and as a human, one is able to discriminate and form an opinion. Maybe this is why I like teaching science. It doesn't get involved in all the drama of a dog chasing its tail.
Takes me back to the week I taught Evolution...I teach biology, chemistry...and everything else in between.... At the beginning of the week, i had students look at me as if I was the devil. I had a boy hold on to his bible and he even asked to leave the class. Of course I let him go. But I did tell them that I was not giving my opinion, nor was I going to tell anyone that they came from monkeys because that is where the problem started but simply presenting them with scientific evidence. I realized that week that I had to erase years of brainwashing and that was a challenge. Quite possibly, I think i spent less time explaining chemistry to them that I did with evolution. at the end of the week, i had a conservative christian girl tell another one that she couldn't read the Bible anymore because it was "all lies" according to her. I stopped her there. Religion is important, regardless of what it is, one needs faith and one needs belief because it gives hope. I told her that even though the Bible is a compilation of books written by different people and later, subject to revisions, there were still many good things to learn and now that she knew the science, she should not relinquish her religion but stand firmly in it. I think more than anything else, evolution taught me to believe in God than to not believe at all and Chemistry sealed it. Just a minor digression....
So now it's Sunday morning, 3:18 am and I am still awake. Have been watching Russell Peters and trying to keep the laughing down. He's as hilarious as it gets.
Today, the US lost the game with Ghana. Ghana played well but I was really rooting for the US and I thought that they did try in the end. I actually felt like crying when they lost and that was when I realized that I may like this sport more than I thought. I know it's not really a sport that's followed by many Americans like American football but I was happy to see that more Americans were getting involved in the games. I guess I really like football for the game because even though, admittedly, I began watching because of all the really handsome footballers, it's not about them anymore. I actually follow the game and sometimes don't really notice the guys as much.... maybe that's being married. I've noticed that the conversations between me and my friends have changed. See, I have two sets of girl friends. Married and unmarried ones. Most of the married ones live here and the unmarried ones live back home, in Trinidad. Sometimes, the conversations get a little bit awkward. The only saving grace is that I made these friends over a decade ago so we have lots of memories. Thank God for friends...and family too!
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
End of year procedures, etc.
Today is graduation for my students I had last year. I am not sure if I am going yet but I am leaning towards it. It's the last day of school for the kids and I think I'll miss the bunch that I have in front of me now. They were a good set and some of them really made it worth the while. Imagine, they came to class even when they didn't need to take the test! This speaks volumes. One of them, I call her Muchacha, refused to exempt my test even though she had well over a perfect score in the class. I think that they are the best part of teaching. The kids will get you mad, they make you laugh, they will come in on some days happy then they're angry the next day. Muchacha just asked for extra paper=0) It's definitely the best part of the job. It keeps you young when you are around kids all day.
I haven't gotten to read for the last week and I'm starting to feel a little bit as if society is getting the better of me so I must rebel. Today, I will read. On Friday, Furgie leaves for school in Texas once more. She will finish up her PhD. I am happy for her but I guess I'll miss her. Either way, I'll have an excuse to visit Texas. La Copa Mundial begins in two days...Ole ole ole ole...........
I haven't gotten to read for the last week and I'm starting to feel a little bit as if society is getting the better of me so I must rebel. Today, I will read. On Friday, Furgie leaves for school in Texas once more. She will finish up her PhD. I am happy for her but I guess I'll miss her. Either way, I'll have an excuse to visit Texas. La Copa Mundial begins in two days...Ole ole ole ole...........
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thoughts during and after reading the beginning of "Hot, Flat, and Crowded"
I think I have just found the reason why I chose to find my facts in fiction when it came to writing. Maybe to read the real thing becomes too depressing but there comes a time, when people need to take their heads out of the sand and face what is around them. Thomas Friedman is the author of this book and for anyone wanting to understand what really happened to the US and the world concerning the financial sh*thole we found ourselves in, I suggest reading this book. It is alarming, depressing, and relevant.
I am not concerned as much with the financial market as much as I am concerned about education and what is happening in this field. Actually, I am worried about the financial market because unlike the people who got caught up in the buying frenzy and spending beyond their means frenzy, I was in the middle of going to school, skipping class to study for the same class, saving money, paying for school, and buying overpriced textbooks while earning $90/week while people were buying houses they couldn't afford and thinking that they had purchasing power when in reality, they didn't. Here's how it bothers me....Now, it's the hardest thing to find a house because no one ever really sat down and said to themselves, "Self, do you really think you can pay a $300000 and upwards mortgage on a house that doesn't look as if it cost $100000 to build when you are only earning less than $30000???" Holy crap! That's one-freaking-tenth! How long does it take to realize that one is living beyond one's means? I remember while working at the store years ago, I asked a newly licensed realtor if he didn't see that the prices of houses were inflated drastically. He answered, "no." I guess this can be a modification of what they call the "tragedy of the commons" where people only see the short-term benefit and disregard the long-term consequence.
"Hot, Flat, and Crowded" is helping me understand the politics of it all and I am also brainstorming while reading. See, the book was a suggested reading present from the principal of my school. We are working on introducing a new innovative global academy program that will focus on teaching kids the skills necessary to survive in today's and tomorrow's world. I was given the privilege to work with two other teachers in the research component of the program and design a curriculum from the ground up. It's a little bit daunting and the planning part is always at the back of my head. I am thinking of all the things the kids need to learn and how we can show a final product based on the topic we chose. And, I am not a multi-tasker! Actually, I don't subscribe to the notion of doing several tasks at once...you always run the risk of not doing something well enough.
Now Friedman mentioned education and how the US lags behind. Honestly, I do not think anyone can really understand how dire these circumstances are unless they teach or have taught in a public school. Sometimes, I am amazed at the madness that surrounds me. I see how the system has failed. There is an enormous amount of politics at play and little regard for the kids and what they learn.Sometimes, I wonder if the people outside the classroom have been outside the classroom for too long. I hear them come up with ideas that don't even look good on paper and leave you wondering where the heck the logic came from. I hear teachers with a PhD. in education saying that they give students group tests! I see how technology has harmed these kids more than helped them. I see how these schools are churning out masses of blue collared workers while society is increasingly demanding white-collared jobs.
I see a system that has coddled kids rather than strengthened their minds. I see a system that enabled helplessness. It's not even the question that everywhere has the same problem but the numbers still show that the US is behind. And if dunceness is on the rampage in all countries, does that mean that we lead in dunceness? How is it that we have everything provided, books, equipment, air-conditioned classrooms, pens, pencils (sharpened pencils), paper, internet access, computer carts, and we still lag behind? The curriculum has changed so much from when I was in school 10 years ago! Kids are ruder and they get away with the behavior most of the time so there is no change in attitude. They walk around and argue that they cannot think without the Ipods on, they refuse to put away the cell phone or turn off the game that they are playing, and they make fun of studying and doing well on an exam. Whose fault is this?
Since I've been teaching, I've befriended two people. One of them is an older teacher...on his last years in the field and considering whether to retire or not. So far, we (me and the other friend I have) have managed to convince him to stick around....for our sanity. I have a lot of respect for this teacher. He has been in the system since the 70s and he knew of a time when the US led the world in K-12 education. He can talk about what happened and when it happened. He gives me the most hope and I think that is why he is so important. It's funny how people walk into your lives but I see now, as he is nearing the end of his career, how instrumental he was/is in my development as a teacher. In the beginning, I used to go to him to be reassured that I wasn't the only one who thought something was wrong with the system. There's a story about a king ruling over a crazy kingdom and after a while of being in the madness, surrounded by it, he starts to believe that everyone else is sane and he is the crazy one. To see an old teacher in the schools today is an anomaly. They care enough to want to teach the kids in the way that they have always done it, strict discipline and hard work, and they were around long enough to know that their way worked better than today's method of coddling the kids and in essence lying to them.
Don't get me wrong, there are a handful of kids that make it worth the while and for the most part, the kids are nice. They are fun to work with but the sad thing is that even though they are nice, they are lacking in the basic skills they need to begin on the road towards a college degree. Teaching is nice, I love it but there are many things wrong with the system. I don't believe that we are helping children when we tell them that they have done a great job when in fact the work they have produced is mediocre. This will harm them and inhibit their growth. The culture of today is like this: Do only what is necessary to get the C...or in some cases, the D. I am not saying that you have to insult the child but there is nothing wrong with constructive criticism. This doesn't harm anyone's psyche. Let me not get into psychology though...that will be another day. In this way, if something is done really well, it can be truly appreciated. This education ship has sunk and is now scraping the bottom. I guess it is time to rise up again but it has to be united. Parents, teachers, policymakers, administration, and kids need to be united in order for this to work. Until then, I cannot understand why is it that there are reading classes in high school. I thought that after 1st grade you already knew how to read and you were doing comprehension and language arts/english. How is it that even in college, there are reading classes? Somebody help me pick sense from nonsense here!
I am not concerned as much with the financial market as much as I am concerned about education and what is happening in this field. Actually, I am worried about the financial market because unlike the people who got caught up in the buying frenzy and spending beyond their means frenzy, I was in the middle of going to school, skipping class to study for the same class, saving money, paying for school, and buying overpriced textbooks while earning $90/week while people were buying houses they couldn't afford and thinking that they had purchasing power when in reality, they didn't. Here's how it bothers me....Now, it's the hardest thing to find a house because no one ever really sat down and said to themselves, "Self, do you really think you can pay a $300000 and upwards mortgage on a house that doesn't look as if it cost $100000 to build when you are only earning less than $30000???" Holy crap! That's one-freaking-tenth! How long does it take to realize that one is living beyond one's means? I remember while working at the store years ago, I asked a newly licensed realtor if he didn't see that the prices of houses were inflated drastically. He answered, "no." I guess this can be a modification of what they call the "tragedy of the commons" where people only see the short-term benefit and disregard the long-term consequence.
"Hot, Flat, and Crowded" is helping me understand the politics of it all and I am also brainstorming while reading. See, the book was a suggested reading present from the principal of my school. We are working on introducing a new innovative global academy program that will focus on teaching kids the skills necessary to survive in today's and tomorrow's world. I was given the privilege to work with two other teachers in the research component of the program and design a curriculum from the ground up. It's a little bit daunting and the planning part is always at the back of my head. I am thinking of all the things the kids need to learn and how we can show a final product based on the topic we chose. And, I am not a multi-tasker! Actually, I don't subscribe to the notion of doing several tasks at once...you always run the risk of not doing something well enough.
Now Friedman mentioned education and how the US lags behind. Honestly, I do not think anyone can really understand how dire these circumstances are unless they teach or have taught in a public school. Sometimes, I am amazed at the madness that surrounds me. I see how the system has failed. There is an enormous amount of politics at play and little regard for the kids and what they learn.Sometimes, I wonder if the people outside the classroom have been outside the classroom for too long. I hear them come up with ideas that don't even look good on paper and leave you wondering where the heck the logic came from. I hear teachers with a PhD. in education saying that they give students group tests! I see how technology has harmed these kids more than helped them. I see how these schools are churning out masses of blue collared workers while society is increasingly demanding white-collared jobs.
I see a system that has coddled kids rather than strengthened their minds. I see a system that enabled helplessness. It's not even the question that everywhere has the same problem but the numbers still show that the US is behind. And if dunceness is on the rampage in all countries, does that mean that we lead in dunceness? How is it that we have everything provided, books, equipment, air-conditioned classrooms, pens, pencils (sharpened pencils), paper, internet access, computer carts, and we still lag behind? The curriculum has changed so much from when I was in school 10 years ago! Kids are ruder and they get away with the behavior most of the time so there is no change in attitude. They walk around and argue that they cannot think without the Ipods on, they refuse to put away the cell phone or turn off the game that they are playing, and they make fun of studying and doing well on an exam. Whose fault is this?
Since I've been teaching, I've befriended two people. One of them is an older teacher...on his last years in the field and considering whether to retire or not. So far, we (me and the other friend I have) have managed to convince him to stick around....for our sanity. I have a lot of respect for this teacher. He has been in the system since the 70s and he knew of a time when the US led the world in K-12 education. He can talk about what happened and when it happened. He gives me the most hope and I think that is why he is so important. It's funny how people walk into your lives but I see now, as he is nearing the end of his career, how instrumental he was/is in my development as a teacher. In the beginning, I used to go to him to be reassured that I wasn't the only one who thought something was wrong with the system. There's a story about a king ruling over a crazy kingdom and after a while of being in the madness, surrounded by it, he starts to believe that everyone else is sane and he is the crazy one. To see an old teacher in the schools today is an anomaly. They care enough to want to teach the kids in the way that they have always done it, strict discipline and hard work, and they were around long enough to know that their way worked better than today's method of coddling the kids and in essence lying to them.
Don't get me wrong, there are a handful of kids that make it worth the while and for the most part, the kids are nice. They are fun to work with but the sad thing is that even though they are nice, they are lacking in the basic skills they need to begin on the road towards a college degree. Teaching is nice, I love it but there are many things wrong with the system. I don't believe that we are helping children when we tell them that they have done a great job when in fact the work they have produced is mediocre. This will harm them and inhibit their growth. The culture of today is like this: Do only what is necessary to get the C...or in some cases, the D. I am not saying that you have to insult the child but there is nothing wrong with constructive criticism. This doesn't harm anyone's psyche. Let me not get into psychology though...that will be another day. In this way, if something is done really well, it can be truly appreciated. This education ship has sunk and is now scraping the bottom. I guess it is time to rise up again but it has to be united. Parents, teachers, policymakers, administration, and kids need to be united in order for this to work. Until then, I cannot understand why is it that there are reading classes in high school. I thought that after 1st grade you already knew how to read and you were doing comprehension and language arts/english. How is it that even in college, there are reading classes? Somebody help me pick sense from nonsense here!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Kamla Wins it! 29-12
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Florida’s SB 6 bill...my take
Here's the deal with this one...for some time now, teachers have been getting the blame for students failure and their inability to measure up to standards. A senator from Florida suggested that teachers be put on a merit pay system that would award them compensation based on how well their students did in standardized testing, etc. This would take away the "years of experience" a teacher had in the profession and replace with just student scores as the final determinant of a teacher's pay.
Needless to say, it is a Republican senator who devises this brilliant idea. This is almost as ludicrous as saying if a patient eats fatty foods and gets heart disease, the doctor should be blamed. Now, a doctor can advise a patient what to eat and what not to eat but ultimately, it is up to the patient if he/she will follow through.
To recap, it was the Bushes (republicans) who made standardized testing into the megalithic disaster that it has turned out to be. It was Bush who introduced NCLB (no child left behind) which turned out to be Every child left behind with the advent of the FCAT (Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test). It was a good test that counted for too much and came attached with too much political agendas. House prices were attached to how well schools in the area did on this test! Schools received money for doing well on this test...lots of money...to the point where teachers started teaching toward the test and not anything on their curriculum map. Here is where I am happy our now President is making major breakthroughs in education...himself being a past professor...and hence will never fully be out of the academia mentality.
I wonder if some of these policy makers know what happens in these schools..and if they really know what the teachers deal with. Of course there are people who are not suited for the profession they are in but the majority of teachers out there are well qualified for the job and they stay because they really like the kids.
Teaching is a wonderful profession. It has its perks....and I don't mean the endless holidays! After a week or two off, you miss the kids....well if you really like teaching. You are able to influence a child and sometimes, you are that one person who a child really gets to talk to one on one. You yell at them, they get upset, you get upset, and the next day...sometimes even a few minutes later, everything is fine again. That's the best thing about kids. They forget. It's something I like and I wonder how much happier the world would be if we all followed this childlike trait.
One thing I have noticed is that they appreciate you more when you push them to their limits. Maybe they will not like it initially but that reward is worth waiting for. I notice that I have digressed.
Back to the schools. Teaching is one of those professions that is needed in society just like medical doctors but this senator made it seem as if there was no respect or regard for the job that teachers do because of a few not-so-great teachers who made the news for the wrong reasons. It is true that the media focuses on the bad things and teachers are not held in high esteem in this country for that very reason. However, most teachers do a darn good job! Like I stated earlier, many teachers do it for the love of the kids or their subject area or both.
Needless to say, it is a Republican senator who devises this brilliant idea. This is almost as ludicrous as saying if a patient eats fatty foods and gets heart disease, the doctor should be blamed. Now, a doctor can advise a patient what to eat and what not to eat but ultimately, it is up to the patient if he/she will follow through.
To recap, it was the Bushes (republicans) who made standardized testing into the megalithic disaster that it has turned out to be. It was Bush who introduced NCLB (no child left behind) which turned out to be Every child left behind with the advent of the FCAT (Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test). It was a good test that counted for too much and came attached with too much political agendas. House prices were attached to how well schools in the area did on this test! Schools received money for doing well on this test...lots of money...to the point where teachers started teaching toward the test and not anything on their curriculum map. Here is where I am happy our now President is making major breakthroughs in education...himself being a past professor...and hence will never fully be out of the academia mentality.
I wonder if some of these policy makers know what happens in these schools..and if they really know what the teachers deal with. Of course there are people who are not suited for the profession they are in but the majority of teachers out there are well qualified for the job and they stay because they really like the kids.
Teaching is a wonderful profession. It has its perks....and I don't mean the endless holidays! After a week or two off, you miss the kids....well if you really like teaching. You are able to influence a child and sometimes, you are that one person who a child really gets to talk to one on one. You yell at them, they get upset, you get upset, and the next day...sometimes even a few minutes later, everything is fine again. That's the best thing about kids. They forget. It's something I like and I wonder how much happier the world would be if we all followed this childlike trait.
One thing I have noticed is that they appreciate you more when you push them to their limits. Maybe they will not like it initially but that reward is worth waiting for. I notice that I have digressed.
Back to the schools. Teaching is one of those professions that is needed in society just like medical doctors but this senator made it seem as if there was no respect or regard for the job that teachers do because of a few not-so-great teachers who made the news for the wrong reasons. It is true that the media focuses on the bad things and teachers are not held in high esteem in this country for that very reason. However, most teachers do a darn good job! Like I stated earlier, many teachers do it for the love of the kids or their subject area or both.
drawing analogies or parallels
It seems as if only the chosen few have stuck with blogging. Life came up and all of a sudden everyone got busy. I am not too certain where I am at right now. Somewhere in my mind, I know my cousin died and I am not sure if it is a natural defense mechanism but I am trying to not allow myself to think at all about him during the day. The nights are different though.
Two days ago, I sat on the floor in the mandir chanting the Hanuman Chalisa trying to get to the 108th chalisa in celebration of Hanuman Jayanti. I remembered sitting on the floor in his room doing the same thing not too long ago. See, in order to finish the 108 chalisas, we chant really quickly and I was leading the group for quite some time. This time, every chalisa I sang brought back memories of my cousin. He used to love Lord Hanuman. I thought of the night on the floor in his room when he could barely talk because his lungs were no longer holding the air and he would mouth the words of the prayer. Sometimes, he would fall asleep during the prayers and when I looked at him, he would be smiling at something in the sleep. Back then, I really focused on the couplet, "nasai rog harai sab peera, japat nirantar hanumat beera." On the morning I left, the day before he died, he was finally asleep after a long night. I couldn't wake him so I stood at his bedside and I prayed to Mahaveer asking Him to take away the pain. I kissed him on his head and said a prayer over and over. In many ways, the pain and disease as well as the suffering all all gone. Completely. Along with him. It will be two months soon.
Two days ago, I sat on the floor in the mandir chanting the Hanuman Chalisa trying to get to the 108th chalisa in celebration of Hanuman Jayanti. I remembered sitting on the floor in his room doing the same thing not too long ago. See, in order to finish the 108 chalisas, we chant really quickly and I was leading the group for quite some time. This time, every chalisa I sang brought back memories of my cousin. He used to love Lord Hanuman. I thought of the night on the floor in his room when he could barely talk because his lungs were no longer holding the air and he would mouth the words of the prayer. Sometimes, he would fall asleep during the prayers and when I looked at him, he would be smiling at something in the sleep. Back then, I really focused on the couplet, "nasai rog harai sab peera, japat nirantar hanumat beera." On the morning I left, the day before he died, he was finally asleep after a long night. I couldn't wake him so I stood at his bedside and I prayed to Mahaveer asking Him to take away the pain. I kissed him on his head and said a prayer over and over. In many ways, the pain and disease as well as the suffering all all gone. Completely. Along with him. It will be two months soon.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Trini Jokes
Well five friends: Currants, Ice, Curry, Tambran and Coconut walking dong
Petit Valley Road ; when suddenly dey hear gun shots
BODOW, BODOW, BODOW BOW! Well geez an ages!
Petit Valley Road ; when suddenly dey hear gun shots
BODOW, BODOW, BODOW BOW! Well geez an ages!
Currants roll
Ice scream
Curry duck
Tambran bawl and
Coconut drop.
Ya gotta be a TRINI to understand this!!!!
Trini Breakup Letter
A Trini US Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a 'Dear
John' letter from his Trini girlfriend back in Brooklyn . It read as
follows:
Dear Leroy,
I cya continue we relationship nuh. De
distance between we just too great. I ha tuh admit dat ah horn yuh
twice since yuh gorn, and it eh fair tuh eeder ah we. Ah rell sorry.
Yuh could return de picture ah me dat ah did send yuh?
Love,
Gwendolyn
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow
Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends,
sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the
picture of Gwendolyn, Leroy included all the other pictures of the
pretty girls he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos
in that envelope...along with this note:
Dear Gwendolyn,
Ah rell sorry, buh ah cya remember yuh nuh. Please pic out yuh picture
from de pile and den send de rest back tuh me. Tanks!
Take care,
Leroy
No Nativity Scene in Port of Spain:
The Court has ruled that there can be no Nativity Scene in Port of Spain this Christmas Season.
This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's capital.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough Asses to fill the stable.
Monday, January 04, 2010
First day back
I cannot believe that I am saying this, but it sure does feel good to be back! I didn't realize how much I grew to love the kids and how much I missed them for those two weeks. Don't get me wrong...I enjoyed the break but I missed the kids. Teaching is like a contact sport. It is definitely not impersonal. There is no way that you can be amongst all these people and not become attached to them in some way. This morning, I got numerous hugs, handshakes and smiles. It warmed my heart on a cold morning like today. By the way, it's unnaturally cold for Florida...even at this time of the year. I just looked at the weather forecast and saw that tomorrow night it will be in the 30's (Fahrenheit).
Here is why I like being back....
After I assigned the work for this morning, I entered into a conversation with one of my students. Here's how it started. A fellow teacher knows that I collect the figurines from the Red Rose tea boxes. She brings them to me and this morning, I got a Cupid and a christmas tree. I was placing them with the rest of collectibles when a student noticed. He told me that he as taken to collect historic monuments. I showed him the Taj that I had received from a friend and he asked me about the history of the building. After telling him about Shah Jahan and Mumtaz, I ended up telling him about how perfect the monument was. Then we digressed a little.... actually, we went a little back in time. The student remarked that it was really amazing how the people of the ancient cultures made buildings that were so precisely aligned and with such geometric accuracy. My little heart made a leap when I heard his comment and I thought to myself..."Here's a thinker!" I posed the question to him, "then it makes you wonder how primitive these people really were, huh?
Student: "It scares me to think of that!"
Me: "I guess it does, right? After all, we are taught to believe that we are more advanced than these people and yet, you wonder how the last stone got placed on the pyramids of Egypt, or how these people were able to fit such large bricks together without mortar (like in the Mayan and Inca pyramids) or how Stonehenge was built...and they are still standing today."
At this point, everyone was looking up and wide-eyed. It is in these moments that I know the kids are getting so much more out of school because now they begin to think. We ended up talking about discoveries and modern inventions and the same kid told me, "when you think of all the great things that were discovered, you wonder what's left to discover. Like there really isn't much." Then I told him that this is where the discoveries/inventions are more on the microscopic scale rather than macroscopic. Like in the terms of medicine and technology rather than the automobile or the toothbrush, for example. In that way, we were able to bring the conversation into science again.
Here is why I like being back....
After I assigned the work for this morning, I entered into a conversation with one of my students. Here's how it started. A fellow teacher knows that I collect the figurines from the Red Rose tea boxes. She brings them to me and this morning, I got a Cupid and a christmas tree. I was placing them with the rest of collectibles when a student noticed. He told me that he as taken to collect historic monuments. I showed him the Taj that I had received from a friend and he asked me about the history of the building. After telling him about Shah Jahan and Mumtaz, I ended up telling him about how perfect the monument was. Then we digressed a little.... actually, we went a little back in time. The student remarked that it was really amazing how the people of the ancient cultures made buildings that were so precisely aligned and with such geometric accuracy. My little heart made a leap when I heard his comment and I thought to myself..."Here's a thinker!" I posed the question to him, "then it makes you wonder how primitive these people really were, huh?
Student: "It scares me to think of that!"
Me: "I guess it does, right? After all, we are taught to believe that we are more advanced than these people and yet, you wonder how the last stone got placed on the pyramids of Egypt, or how these people were able to fit such large bricks together without mortar (like in the Mayan and Inca pyramids) or how Stonehenge was built...and they are still standing today."
At this point, everyone was looking up and wide-eyed. It is in these moments that I know the kids are getting so much more out of school because now they begin to think. We ended up talking about discoveries and modern inventions and the same kid told me, "when you think of all the great things that were discovered, you wonder what's left to discover. Like there really isn't much." Then I told him that this is where the discoveries/inventions are more on the microscopic scale rather than macroscopic. Like in the terms of medicine and technology rather than the automobile or the toothbrush, for example. In that way, we were able to bring the conversation into science again.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
Musing and music
Today, we completed a 24 hour drive from Niagara Falls, NY to where we live in South Florida. On the way home, we took a four hour detour to drive more in-state NY to visit my cousin. He hasn't been well lately and as the winter draws on, he gets sick more frequently. There were two things I accomplished on the trip. I wanted to get away from the normal scenery for a little and I wanted to be able to see my cousin again. I was able to do both.
Road trips are nice. Ami is good company. He was particularly animated on this trip and there were good conversations along the way. Needless to say, there was a lot of time to talk, sleep, wake up, and talk again. We drove out of sunny, South Florida weather, into subzero weather up at Niagara Falls. Like always, the falls were beautiful and this time, we remembered to bring our passports so we were able to drive into Canada on one of the days. In fact, that morning, I was awakened by a phone call from a rather distraught Furgie, telling me that Tiger baby had died. It bothered me because I remembered the trip back from Texas and how even though I had never met him, he found himself a comfortable seat on my lap for most of the way. In many ways, Tiggy, as Furgie affectionately called him, served his purpose and left when he knew Furgie was not at home (she was visiting my cousin in NY). Later on that day, Nan told me of a conversation she had with my mom when she got the news.
Mom: "Nan, we wake up this morning and we went to check on Tiggy and it look like if he dead."
Furgie: "Ma, what yuh mean it look like he dead? he dead or he living?"
Even in the most heartbreaking situations, Furgie will deliver a joke. I know my mom didn't know how else to tell Furgie though....
On New Year's Eve, there was a street party hosted by the Hard Rock Cafe and at the stroke of midnight, the hosts dropped a 10-foot gibson guitar. There was even a little count down like the one at Time Square and hopefully, one day, Ami and I would be able to say that we were there when the first guitar was dropped at the Falls. The Canadian side celebrated with fireworks at the falls at the stroke of midnight and on our side, after the guitar dropped, the fireworks went off from the top of a garage building for about five straight minutes. It gave me the impression that us Americans had to show off of a little to our Canadian neighbors when it came to partying. Even though we were freezing, Ami said that he would do this all over again because it was something you never experience by sitting down at home. I guess he has gotten used to my madness=0)
On New Year's day, we got to my cousin's house around 3:30pm. He had been sick all morning and when we got there, I went to his room and found him sitting up on his bed. He lost more weight...something I didn't think was humanly possible. I sat with him on his bed talking while we waited for Ami. We hadn't planned on staying more than an hour because we were considering the drive back home. However, we stayed for a little over two hours and everyone in the house made the very best of those two hours. I even ended up telling my cousin at one point that he was only a car ride away. Of course I went into the kitchen and found something to eat then Ami and i both ate. Afterward, I took Ami around to show him my cousin's house. I was very happy to see my cousin come out of the room and sit with us during the time we were there.
His face became so happy and so much brighter! We were joking, he laughed a lot...actually, we were all laughing, we spoke of getting better, of better days and of the prospect of moving to Florida (he doesn't like the winter-time...never got used to it). I ended up taking pictures this time. He smiled in all of them and after, I showed him the pictures as well as the video of the falls and the new years countdown from the night before. At one point, I saw Ami looking at us and smiling. I was so happy there! When we were about to walk out the door, Ami noticed the keyboard and he played and sang a few quick songs for them. I watched my cousin's face take on a peaceful look as they did the same thing I always do...marvel at how easily Ami's fingers find the notes. Vim (Vimla) ended up telling him that he should have just sang and played instead of us doing anything else.
On our ride back home, i thanked Ami for driving there and staying so long. He then told me that although he knew we were very close, he didn't realize that we were so comfortable with each other to the point of being like siblings and my aunt being just like my mom. He was telling me that I went into the kitchen as if it was our house and did whatever I wanted. He used the word comfortable and comfortable is exactly what it is. Sanjay's house has always been like my own. Ami even mentioned how nice it would be if he was that close to his cousins or if he had grown up with them.
I will now address the issue of hope and that tiny flame that burns, even while flickering in the tempest of his sickness, it burns. Seeing my cousin gave me hope. I saw a person who is putting up a fight...and a strong one. He may be weak in body but his mind is strong. He has a strong will. While talking in the car on the way back, I told Ami of a conversation we had back in October when he was in the hospital. The doctor had told him that week that his cancer was terminal and nothing could really help him anymore. We were talking about the possibility of continuing his treatment and he told me that just because the doctor said the treatment wouldn't help doesn't mean he can't try it.
I looked at him yesterday and even as he appeared so thin and frail, his eyes, the smile and the personality was all the same. His will is stronger than ever and I saw hope in that. In many ways, the visit showed me just what I needed to see.
I drove for the greater part of the night while Ami slept so there was enough time to think. For the rest of the ride home, I was in the mood for light music...ghazals. The songs were on Ami's cell phone and i found myself holding the phone to my ear so as not to miss a word while Jagit and Chitra Singh work their individual magic...In fact, I hadn't realized that I was singing along with Chitra until Ami offered to teach me the ghazal later on in the trip. I asked him why and he said that he heard me singing it in the night and wondered if I had known it from before. I didn't.
While driving, I told myself that there is a harsh reality ahead of me and there is hope but what if that hope becomes reality? Before Ami fell asleep, he said that doctors only tell you what they believe to be true based on what they have seen but they cannot tell you that you are going to die because their profession is based on trial and error and thus, they are just as unsure. I was listening/singing along with Anup Jalota as he sang the Hanuman Chalisa and I realized that just as the sun was coming up and brightening the night sky, a light came on in the deep recesses of my mind, showing me the answer to my thoughts from the night. It was in those 40 verses written by Tulsidas so long ago.
Watch Hanuman Chalisa - Anup Jalota in Music | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com
Road trips are nice. Ami is good company. He was particularly animated on this trip and there were good conversations along the way. Needless to say, there was a lot of time to talk, sleep, wake up, and talk again. We drove out of sunny, South Florida weather, into subzero weather up at Niagara Falls. Like always, the falls were beautiful and this time, we remembered to bring our passports so we were able to drive into Canada on one of the days. In fact, that morning, I was awakened by a phone call from a rather distraught Furgie, telling me that Tiger baby had died. It bothered me because I remembered the trip back from Texas and how even though I had never met him, he found himself a comfortable seat on my lap for most of the way. In many ways, Tiggy, as Furgie affectionately called him, served his purpose and left when he knew Furgie was not at home (she was visiting my cousin in NY). Later on that day, Nan told me of a conversation she had with my mom when she got the news.
Mom: "Nan, we wake up this morning and we went to check on Tiggy and it look like if he dead."
Furgie: "Ma, what yuh mean it look like he dead? he dead or he living?"
Even in the most heartbreaking situations, Furgie will deliver a joke. I know my mom didn't know how else to tell Furgie though....
On New Year's Eve, there was a street party hosted by the Hard Rock Cafe and at the stroke of midnight, the hosts dropped a 10-foot gibson guitar. There was even a little count down like the one at Time Square and hopefully, one day, Ami and I would be able to say that we were there when the first guitar was dropped at the Falls. The Canadian side celebrated with fireworks at the falls at the stroke of midnight and on our side, after the guitar dropped, the fireworks went off from the top of a garage building for about five straight minutes. It gave me the impression that us Americans had to show off of a little to our Canadian neighbors when it came to partying. Even though we were freezing, Ami said that he would do this all over again because it was something you never experience by sitting down at home. I guess he has gotten used to my madness=0)
On New Year's day, we got to my cousin's house around 3:30pm. He had been sick all morning and when we got there, I went to his room and found him sitting up on his bed. He lost more weight...something I didn't think was humanly possible. I sat with him on his bed talking while we waited for Ami. We hadn't planned on staying more than an hour because we were considering the drive back home. However, we stayed for a little over two hours and everyone in the house made the very best of those two hours. I even ended up telling my cousin at one point that he was only a car ride away. Of course I went into the kitchen and found something to eat then Ami and i both ate. Afterward, I took Ami around to show him my cousin's house. I was very happy to see my cousin come out of the room and sit with us during the time we were there.
His face became so happy and so much brighter! We were joking, he laughed a lot...actually, we were all laughing, we spoke of getting better, of better days and of the prospect of moving to Florida (he doesn't like the winter-time...never got used to it). I ended up taking pictures this time. He smiled in all of them and after, I showed him the pictures as well as the video of the falls and the new years countdown from the night before. At one point, I saw Ami looking at us and smiling. I was so happy there! When we were about to walk out the door, Ami noticed the keyboard and he played and sang a few quick songs for them. I watched my cousin's face take on a peaceful look as they did the same thing I always do...marvel at how easily Ami's fingers find the notes. Vim (Vimla) ended up telling him that he should have just sang and played instead of us doing anything else.
On our ride back home, i thanked Ami for driving there and staying so long. He then told me that although he knew we were very close, he didn't realize that we were so comfortable with each other to the point of being like siblings and my aunt being just like my mom. He was telling me that I went into the kitchen as if it was our house and did whatever I wanted. He used the word comfortable and comfortable is exactly what it is. Sanjay's house has always been like my own. Ami even mentioned how nice it would be if he was that close to his cousins or if he had grown up with them.
I will now address the issue of hope and that tiny flame that burns, even while flickering in the tempest of his sickness, it burns. Seeing my cousin gave me hope. I saw a person who is putting up a fight...and a strong one. He may be weak in body but his mind is strong. He has a strong will. While talking in the car on the way back, I told Ami of a conversation we had back in October when he was in the hospital. The doctor had told him that week that his cancer was terminal and nothing could really help him anymore. We were talking about the possibility of continuing his treatment and he told me that just because the doctor said the treatment wouldn't help doesn't mean he can't try it.
I looked at him yesterday and even as he appeared so thin and frail, his eyes, the smile and the personality was all the same. His will is stronger than ever and I saw hope in that. In many ways, the visit showed me just what I needed to see.
I drove for the greater part of the night while Ami slept so there was enough time to think. For the rest of the ride home, I was in the mood for light music...ghazals. The songs were on Ami's cell phone and i found myself holding the phone to my ear so as not to miss a word while Jagit and Chitra Singh work their individual magic...In fact, I hadn't realized that I was singing along with Chitra until Ami offered to teach me the ghazal later on in the trip. I asked him why and he said that he heard me singing it in the night and wondered if I had known it from before. I didn't.
While driving, I told myself that there is a harsh reality ahead of me and there is hope but what if that hope becomes reality? Before Ami fell asleep, he said that doctors only tell you what they believe to be true based on what they have seen but they cannot tell you that you are going to die because their profession is based on trial and error and thus, they are just as unsure. I was listening/singing along with Anup Jalota as he sang the Hanuman Chalisa and I realized that just as the sun was coming up and brightening the night sky, a light came on in the deep recesses of my mind, showing me the answer to my thoughts from the night. It was in those 40 verses written by Tulsidas so long ago.
Watch Hanuman Chalisa - Anup Jalota in Music | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com
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