keeping up appearances, our new year, phagwa and the basuri...

yesterday, spring break started for another group of schools. now the bookstore i work at mainly supplies books for the community college students so that would mean that this week, when all the university students were back at school, it would be slow in the bookstore. the boss called me and told me that i had the day off and i didnt need to come to work in the evening yesterday. i guess i grabbed the opportunity and i went off to the mall instead. got all dressed up...earrings and heels and all and i was having a good time when the other boss (my boss's boss) called me and told me that i needed to come to work. got there just in time for him to reach the bank while it was open.
after work, i went to the mall again with ami. he found out that there would have been a sale and he needed working clothes so we came back. i guess with ami and me, it's reversed. i hate shopping and he absolutely loves it. we spent an hour in the macy's men store and when we left, ami had four pairs of pants and a jacket. i spent an hour in the macy's women's store and didn't see one thing that was worth buying. it is so aggravating to go shopping for yourself! so when i go shopping, i usually stand and let ami do the looking and then i get whatever he says will look good. the only problem is that ami likes a bunch of dresses...and dresses aren't very practical at all. i like jeans and shoes....and it shows because i have the most of those. oh and earrings too but i like bargains more=0) in the sale, i got a really nice shirt for my dad and a pair of pants that goes well with it. i like buying more for other people than shopping for myself. the sales clerk even went looking for the same thing after.
so there's a customer that wants me to tutor his son in math. i said that i would tutor the kid but there's always been a mixup every saturday since he first spoke to me about it. i need to form a strategy to deal with the problems that the kid is having in his math. hopefully, it will go well. if ami learnt, i know that the kid can too. ami has got to be the most difficult person to tutor.
laila told me today that her husband wants to move back to their country in june. if she leaves that soon, i will be so lonely there! the thing about laila is that she is one of the people i truly like being around. her company is worth being there for the other three days that i do not work with her. but i know that she can do better and she will have the opportunity to work in her career without any language barriers if she moves back. her life will be better off there and i suppose that if your friendship matters like that, you will always want what is best for your friend.
today she brought me a chocolate orange. it's one of the coolest inventions of chocolate ever created. i first learnt about it from mandy, a little girl i used to babysit over the summer. see, the chocolate looks like an orange with the pegs and all. you have to whack it really hard inorder to sufficiently break the pegs apart. the whacking is almost as fun as the chocolate. mandy used to have fun whacking away...so laila, who is also a chocoholic, admitted to me that if she had only known that the orange was that good, it would not have survived in her home for as long as it did. i hid it in a cooler at work so we can enjoy it there. yeah, and boy was this orange good. when chocolate is good, you don't need to eat a lot of it....one little piece usually gets the happy hormones going.
i guess i ate a lot of sweet things today. had apple pie, chocolate, icecream, and a smoothie. jeez! oh well! this is an exception...it's our new year. we are in 2060-something today. for us, the festival started sometime tonight and will continue until sometime tomorrow. i went ahead and bought the powder and the abeer to mix so i can play holi with my family tomorrow. it was only after i got nandini to smear a whole bunch of red powder on my mom's face that she told us she wasn't celebrating because of my uncle's death. i felt bad about it but i know she wouldn't stop us from playing. it's my favorite festival. here, it's a bit lonely. the relatives here do not really do many religious things but when we were in trinidad, we had a lot of fun times with phagwa. the last holi we spent in trinidad, we got so colored that the only thing recognizable on us were our eyes and our teeth! my dad made us walk up the bus route to the family house, about a 3/4 mile away because we would have stained his car. it was fun though......all of my cousins were with me and we were joking all the way.
today i was telling ami about the maha sabha and their celebrations....maha sabha is the hindu organization in trinidad. sometimes, i am a little disappointed with the way that they run the organization but i will give them credit...they have been instrumental in keeping the culture really strong in trinidad. so we went to the hindu schools and when we were little, we would learn the songs and perform on stage with all the other maha sabha schools and the visiting groups. the music is distinct and the minute you hear these songs, they take you back to a time and place...for me, it was performing with my friends and getting sprayed from a pichakari with the abeer and then feeling the cold air from the mountain after. my guru used to live right behind the maha sabha headquarters so we used to visit him while we were playing just to get his blessing.
oh, ami bought a flute today at the indian store when i was getting the abir. well, there's a flute and then there's the basuri...so i guess he got a basuri. he took a while to figure out how to get the air right but i guess music runs in his veins. this evening when i saw him, he had already gotten from sa to sa and he was starting to play a raaga. he didn't think i would recognize what he was doing so he was really surprised when i sang the notes he was playing then sang a few lines of the song he was thinking of. the song is a religous filmi one, a bhajan...'darshan do ganashyam' done in raaga kedar. hopefully, he'll be playing more songs soon. he keeps the basuri in his car so everytime he stops at a traffic light, he takes it up and starts playing. people like ami have an ear for music. when they play, or when they listen to music, the instruments "speak" to them in a language that they can understand. what may sound like a small mistake to me, will sound like a horrible flaw to him and it will be amplified too. today, when ami played his raaga, and i understood the individual notes; finally, i understand.

two days in focus......

Math and Protein Chemistry at the store:
yesterday i taught laila how to convert temperatures on the celsius and farenheit scale. she learnt quickly. wanted to learn it so that she will know fully well when her baby has a fever or when he is not in a risky range. like most other countries in the world, except the US, she learnt the celsius scale and it's a little bit crazy to memorize the scale. so there is a formula that we use. memorized it for gen. chem way back when and it's always managed to come in handy from time to time. well by the time my lesson was done, laila was a master at conversions. she's a smart person.
after she asked me why it is so bad when a person has a fever above 104 degrees farenheit. so i went into my explanation of protein chemistry and the active sites of enzymes, denaturing the enzymes and loss of conformation. in the end, she just said one word, "wow." i guess it was too much all at once but she understands quickly. she understood even better when i told her in terms of the hair straightening process. so yeah, the baby is better now. business was better yesterday too and i guess the boss was happy for that.

Thursday evening:::
Remember, nan was supposed to be having her party. we ended up only being the four of us in attendance....me, nan, vin, and ami. ami wanted to drive to south beach so we decided that since there was no one else at our "party" and neither ami nor i had ever been to south beach, we got in the car and started calling friends for directions. seeing where the I-95 ended was actually something for us. Imagine, it is one continuous road that passes through the entire eastern shore of the United States! then all of a sudden, you see a sign that says "I-95 ends here."
Okay, so there were so many people at South beach! all these kids on spring break....
no doubt, most of them were already drunk and there were a whole lot of bikers on the road. everywhere you looked, you saw them riding in envoys.....like a parade of bikes. all of the clubs were packed and there were lines to get in. we delighted in walking and looking at everything. my one drink i had was this really awesome cup of coffee that i bought when i got there....was tired but i wanted to be alert enough to take in all of the scenes.
the best thing was walking on the beach. it was deserted at midnight when we were walking on it, but one can only imagine what it would be like in the day. was amazing to see it. we took pictures too but there was no one to take them so they were all closeups.
while we were walking back, there was a fight...there were three kids walking on the beach and i guess they were drunk. two of them started off i guess joking and hitting each other and then it became a full blown fight. i saw some guys running over to where the fight was, thinking that they would part the fight, but these guys pulled out their video cameras and recorded the whole thing. finally the police came and parted the fight. thank goodness! things can get ugly really quickly there........

Friday, March 10th now....
well we got back from the beach at 2am and i had to work at 6am. really, by 2pm, i was fighting to keep my eyes open. ended up taking a shot of ginseng and it did the trick until i got home. then when i got home, we had to go to the mandir for a little event that they were doing that night. it will be phagwa soon. the indians call it holi but we've always called it phagwa. so we burnt a pyre of wood with a coconut in it to represent the burning of Holika. the pyre took a long time to burn so we passed the time singing traditional folk songs about the festival. nan and i joined the group because they were short of a few singers. it's better when there are about 10 people. the drummer was awesome. there is a special style of drumming that was adapted in trinidad and guyana to fit these songs. haven't heard it in any other music from the world. but i know one thing though, the style of singing orignated in Uttarpradesh and the melodies are closely related to the folk songs from that region. we did a good job entertaining the crowd i guess. i love this festival. it is so amazing and colorful. even the songs are festive. it celebrates spring, birth, life and is so closely related to the life of Shri Krsna!

Being a confused chocoholic

I guess i am officially a chocoholic now and in the process of being one, i have made my entire family into chocolate lovers. well i haven't done it on my own of course....there is always help from furgie. we are like partners in crime when it comes to things like this. so today we got my dad to bring home the cadbury fruit and nut chocolates. needless to say, most of it is gone now. furgie caught him trying to steal some from the fridge a little while ago. for a long time, he never liked anything chocolate....used to work in the chocolate factory in trinidad when he was much younger. he's described seeing the chocolate churning in the big vats or whatever they had them in and the very very sweet smell of it. to me, i might dive in if i had seen that!!!!! but yeah, i understand his point.
it's been almost four days straight that we have been having chocolate now. hopefully we will stop before the start the battle of the bulge again! i doubt it though. nan's been asking for a chocolate cake and if we get that, there will be no stopping us. we might have it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! thank goodness we do not eat eggs....it eliminates a whole bunch of things from our diet. it's a major highlight.
okay, on a more serious note. my friend, (lets call her Laila), opens the store on mondays, tuesdays, thursdays and now on saturdays. the store opens at 6am to catch the morning people for their coffee. on monday, i guess she was a bit late. a customer came in and asked today what happened on monday. he asked the boss. i felt so bad for Laila. almost jumped over the counter and blocked his mouth when he started asking. really, i actually felt the urge. i saw the look on the customer's face though, when he realized that he had just gotten her in trouble.
now, laila lives a little bit away from where the store is...she has a baby and i know that her baby has been sick this week. i've told her that although she works at the store, she should never make it more important than her baby. usually i wouldn't talk but after hearing of the nonsense that she dealt with, i gave her my opinion.
so now, the boss started telling me that she is a dummy and she is stupid. sometimes i bite my tongue. today i told him though and it took a mighty big effort to keep my voice level. i told him to tell her that he has a problem with her and if he wants her to stay, he needs to let her know what is expected of her. i know she will be hurt and she will worry and there is no easy way of telling someone that the boss is finding faults with them. you don't just bring people to your business and think that they will magically know everything and everyone. so he was telling me that there is dust in the store. i dust there every week...more than i clean my fu*king room! i told him that maybe he needed to change the filter in the a/c vents. told me that he had to pay someone to clean the shelves.....well that someone must have had an easy job because i had just cleaned them too. found out that he used to tell furgie the same things about me. really, it's only a matter of time before i leave for good. and if laila leaves, i will leave too. the only reason i didn't leave with furgie is because i knew that they would take advantage of laila and work her like a dog there. and yes, the only reason i go there is not for the money but for the friendship. laila is my friend.

Spring Break......

We just came back from seeing another movie. I guess it's what i do best when i have nothing else to do. this one was "the madea family reunion." it's a clean movie. there were only two other people in the movie theater besides us four. but the movie had some good laughs. set in atlanta, georgia so every five seconds, vinod or ami would turn to each other and say that they remembered a certain place...then they started singing "music farm," a soca-calypso from the mid-late 90's trini carnival. the good thing is that i got two free popcorns...my movie points are adding up!
It's spring break for nan and i don't get to spend much time with her like we used to...except when we are up late at night trying to finish some lab reports. she and ami went out today. they used to do that a lot before i came in the picture and it's always good to keep a friendship.
wanted to go to the beach today. it was such beautiful weather! ended up reading a little bit then sleeping though because i had chinese food (actually it was japanese) when ami got me from work. somehow, i always feel sleepy after eating that food. i ordered something new...the vegetable roll. i guess the waiter saw the look on nandini's and ami's face, mine included. you can just look at some things and tell that they aren't going to go down right. this was one. really, it was okay but i ordered two, thinking that nan and ami will eat....couldn't even finish one because ami refused to eat it and he said that his dog wouldn't eat it either. nan tasted it and almost spit it out. it wasn't that bad but why does the most disgusting things on the menu cost the most????? ended up wasting it...felt bad but i figured that if i had eaten more of it i would have thrown up all of it and ultimately wasted all of it. so i ended up taking half of nan's food...which was a whole lot better.
i guess the beach will have to wait. maybe saturday we will go.
so nan's planning a party at our house. actually, it's going to be more like a dinner and a movie kind of thing but if my cousins show up, they might just turn it into a party. we get really loud when we are all together. we might just have to lock my parents in their room for thursday night. nan is already planning the menu. she wants pizza and chocolate cake. should have been obvious! we might just wash it down with diet coke too=0) we will rent a DVD or something and go from there. usually will turn out to be a karoke night or something close to it. if we are going to go ahead with this, tomorrow night, i will be shopping for the goodies....she usually sends me out on the errands.
and yeah, spring break isn't spring break without the beach!!!!!



Oh...there's more about today too. earlier in the day, i worked with my friend again. her baby was running a high fever so she had to leave a little bit early. hope the baby is okay now. she was telling me that her baby inherited a big head from her husband. we joked a lot today. we had a good time before the boss showed up...and when he did, all we wanted to do was leave. i finished up the work for her so that she could go. wasnt much to do anyway...and as long as there is no interaction with the boss, i am okay. i had eaten about twenty minutes before he showed up and i was sooooo happy. i enjoy food a lot because when i eat, i usually eat with someone around and i wait until i am hungry so yeah, i remember the feeling i had when i was done eating.... then i saw him and i felt as if the food had just become so heavy. at least i am grateful it wasnt his brother....then it would have come up!

so on the note of a big head.....this is a typical conversation coming home from the movies....
four of us are in the car....Ami, Vinod, Nan and me.
Ami: "look, a haircut is only $7 here." (referring to a sign he had seen).
Vinod: " tomorrow i go go an' get ah haircut 'den."
Ami: "but when you go in, is really $9 that you pay."
Vinod: "boy, i can get dat for $7 if my Trini pardner dey."
Ami: "nah, you still have to leave d' people ah tip."
Vinod: "well then, i go pay $5 for d' haircut and gi' 'dem $2 for d' tip."
Ami: "then they go only cut half of yuh hair and leave d' ress."
Nan: "Vinod, with d' size of your head you should just pay them the $9!"
and then the laughter......

Age...just a number really

Well today, three people asked me if i was still in highschool. One was a school teacher and then the other two were just regular customers who i've always seen but i guess never spoken to. evidently, i appeared younger than i really am. One of them was astonished that i was not in highschool but already had my bachelor's. the other one was a political activist who used the store as a forum for the few minutes that he was in, to view his dislike for the current president. i listened.....don't really like to have those conversations there. and then a guy casually asked me if i was 17 or 18. i had a good laugh....so yeah, maybe i do act young. another customer calls me "smiley." most of them refer to me as "the girl who smiles all the time." imagine what will happen on the day i am not smiling! so yeah, for many people, when you smile a lot, they assume that you do not have responsibilities and that you are therefore, young and carefree. well the latter is true for me. i guess i will always see myself as a girl (well duh!!!) because i feel sometimes that i can just reach over and tap the shoulder of the little girl i used to be. guess i didnt come far. but as for the responsibilities part, maybe i do not have a family of my own, but i do have a family and i do have other things on my mind at any given moment...but it is my decision whether i let them bog me down of whether i will put on the smile and mean it.
and there's something i learnt a long time ago....there is nothing as powerful as a smile. it makes people feel appreciated and in the end, you feel good about smiling. about the wrinkles, who gives a sh*t! and then again, if one really cared about wrinkles, there's botox now. the genius that is science is always coming up with something for society. that will never stop. i once knew a friend who got braces to have a perfect smile and when the braces were removed, she could never quite manage a real smile...always seemed as if she was accomodating the metal of the braces.
furgie (the great philosopher that she is...and social observer, etc...cough, eh hem!) once said that if someone was coming towards you with the intention of killing you and you smiled, maybe they will not kill you and hence, you will end up saving your life....that was her reply to someone who asked her why we smile at people all the time. (yeah, and furgie, i do listen to your theories....). so in all that, i have figured that even though i've gotten a few laugh lines and i can see crow's feet around my eyes when i smile, i like them...and i am proud of them and they really do not make a person look older because to me, seeing a smile is like having a little bit of God smiling down on you...since He exists in everyone....therefore, theoretically, one will look younger instead of older.
and back to the little girl i used to be....i was telling my friend in the store the other day...."you know, everything you need to learn in your life, and everything that you will carry with you throughout your life comes from the things you learn when you are between the ages of 2 and 7. otherwise, things just expand from there. " we were talking about her son, who has just begun to talk...
"goodnight and goodbye!" he he he

16 Blocks

Just came back from seeing "16 Blocks." Once again, Bruce Willis has done it! well, there is another actor...the supporting actor that did the acting in this movie. he actually outshadowed Bruce Willis and that is an accomplishment by itself. I really do not know the guy's name though. he's a newcomer but he will make waves. the movie is set in the heart of new york city....it takes place over the space of 1 hour and a little over 1/2 hour....the movie takes place in the same time frame. it's the coolest thing ever! but that's all i will say now about the movie...Nan will kill me if i tell the rest. she never forgave me for telling her the end of "Hide and Seek." i guess that was wrong.....

Living in a country that is at war....

It was in March 2003 that America lay seige on Iraq. I remember praying a few hours before the attack and hoping that the President would call the attack off at the last minute. i know that it would never happen but it was the least i could do. Really, i guess no one thought that it would take this long. Not even me...and i was against it. the government said 6 months. that is a really looooonng six months...we are in 2006 now. how about trying 3 years. maybe one day later on in my life, i would look back and tell my grandkids that i lived through some really pressing times in US history. I remember an english teacher saying that we would look at history books with the pictures of people wearing gas masks and protective "astronaut-looking" suits looking for anthrax in buildings and wonder what was wrong with us back then.
i guess that is what it is like to live in "terror." now if one has ever listened to american news, there is a lot of sensationalism involved. some of these reporters get really excited when telling a story so i guess there was a lot to report...there still is. i am enthuastic about working but there is a limit when you are explaining things to others. you try not to let it out that you are really out to scare the daylights out of us.... for us living here, there was life before 9/11 and there is life after 9/11. before september 11th, we read the numbers 911 as the emergency number and we said "nine-one-one." most people today see it and read it as "nine eleven." it registers in my brain first as "nine eleven" now. i remember seeing that there was a newsflash on our local news while the reporter reported....something that went like....the US acted on pearl harbor on dec 8, 1941 (a day after it was attacked) and the station was counting how many days after september 11th had passed and it compared how nothing was done to retaliate.....
I have not changed my view from the seige on Iraq as yet and i have yet to change it. it was throwing a red herring at the american public. i just saw a video about conspiracy surrounding the attacks. I feel as if we...all the dwellers here have been lied to. Really, even if we have not been lied to, we have learnt to not trust as much as we used to. We cannot really trust what the government says...even for the most trivial thing....like what happened to the Florida Bright Futures Scholarship that was set up to pay for education.???????
i really love this country. the regular everyday people...who one does not see in the news, are really a joy to meet. they really are trusting people and they believe anything that is told to them....not because they are gullible but because they genuinely trust you and trust is a good thing to have from others. I try to do the same for others, not because i am being stupid, but i know it means something deep inside to know that you have someone's trust. however, the elites, i do not trust them. i cannot believe everything that they say and i will question because i believe that we are being lied to......
yesterday, for the first time in my life, i saw a military plane. it was flying in my neighborhood and flying really low. i told ami the minute i saw it that it was a military plane. as fate would have it, the day before, i was watching a movie that showed the differences between ordinary commercial jet planes and military aeroplanes. and yes, there was a lot more engines than an ordinary plane. i think there was two on each wing as opposed to the regular one on each side. and it was painted in the army green color. i do not know what it was doing in our neighborhood but the sight of it was disturbing....see, before, at the store, i first noticed that many of the people were not spending money as they used to and i kept telling my bosses that the country was entering a recession....seems more like on the verge of a depression (and mind you, south florida has a really strong economy...separate from the rest of the US)...but yesterday when i saw the plane it really visually drove in the fact that we are living in a country that is at war..........................

Stone Mountain, Ga.

Sun sets over Turtle River, Ga.


Well i've returned to South Florida. I think i am addicted to the beauty of Georgia. I will not want to live there but it surely is a beautiful state. there is much history and Georgia seems to be well marinated in the history of the southern United States.
The trip took 9 hours of driving and by the time we got to Atlanta that evening, we were tired. However, seeing the city livened us up really quickly. It is beautiful at night. The city is full of hilly streets; something that we do not have in Florida. it is surely something. I didn't take pictures of atlanta because vinod was recording when we entered the city and the digi cam needed batteries. We only have atlanta on tape. But by far, stone mountain captivated and mesmerized us. i think i got pictures of the best part....although i wouldn't have minded getting pics of atlanta also. if we had stayed another day, we would have been in the city for Correta Scott King's burial. I guess it is an historic event....the first lady of the American Civil Rights movement...her funeral. It is because of her and her husband that we have rights as minorities in the US.
We stayed in an inn in the city. it was an experience. there wasn't all the luxuries of the last stay but i cannot complain....it was the city after all. it was cold too. monday morning, the temperature dipped close to 32 degrees farenheit. we are never that cold in florida so we were definitely freezing.
the cold did not prevent us from getting out at stone mountain though. it was truly something to see. it was raining cold rain on us and we still came out to take pictures.
The mountain is the largest exposed mass of granite in the world. About 850-something feet in altitude. It really was something. We could have come out and walked to the top but there was rain and we were worried that if we got caught in heavier rain, it would be hard for us to come back down...so we settled for driving around the entire park. for $8, you can enter the park and take as much pictures as you like. it was truly something. I felt as if i was in a piece of history. i guess the weather added to the mystery and intrigue of the mountain. in the summer, we may not have felt what we felt on this cold day. the night before, when we first came to atlanta, we drove to stone mountain but there was no one else there and the park was isolated. felt as if someone would come out of the woods and kill us!!!!! it was eerie. the next day was fine...it was gloomy because of the rain but it was something. ......
On a second note, we drove back home on monday instead of tuesday. we only drove through st. augustine for about an hour or so. we saw some of the historic places but it wasn't much to write about because we didn't get to see much. everywhere was closed for the day when we got there. we have decided to go up agian....for a whole day only to st. augustine. then i would get to see all that i want to see there. in the mean time, the pictures from stone mountain are here. i had my fun......i loved it in georgia. for a vacation, it is a beautiful state......to live, i love south florida!!!!!

St. Augustine.....here we come!!!!!

Well this weekend, providing that all goes well, i will be taking off to St. Augustine, FL. it's where Ponce de Leon came looking for his "fountain of youth." really excited to be taking off. I guess i really do not give up when it comes to any issue. my mom must really be exasperated with me sometimes! i never take no for an answer. but at the same time, i just wanted to do what i really like. i love travelling. i love seeing new places; especially cities that are very old. St. Augustine is about 4 hours north of where we live in S. FL. Ami is probably online right now looking at places where we can drive to also while we are up north. i know when he and vinod are together, they get crazy. they get along well when they are on the road. hopefully, this will be like this too. a lady told me today that if i liked savannah, ga as much as i did, then i would like st. augustine too. i am excited now about the trip. for us, going on a trip depends on if our time off comes on the same day.
i guess i feel a little bit tired. i argued a lot this week to have my way. i mean, i am happy that i have the go ahead from my parents now but i feel as if i really caused too much of a stir. they are adjusting to us being young adults and living in a new country. that is hard for any parent...even if they are in their own home land. i can only imagine....
today i had lunch with my friend at work. i have gotten her to eat all these so-called "health foods" that are really what my diet is like. she was having a soy burger and she told me that she liked it more than the real burgers. my secret was the olives. olives add a distinct flavor to anything...especially when it is with cheese. at least i know that i can make a sandwich that tastes good. i was happy. she doesn't eat meat much anymore and i actually saw her develop the taste for the soy burgers. in return, she has taught me how to eat less carbohydrates. Indian people eat from a diet with a high carb content and later on in life, most of them develop type 2 diabetes. for us, it's all about lifestyle and if the changes are made when we are young, it is for our own good. For me, it was imperative that i stop eating carbs but i couldn't do it as i wanted to. when you see someone not eating the carbs as much though, you eventually stop. sometimes all we need is that little push to get rolling. so now, my meals have less flour and rice (although i LOVE rice) and more of the protein...whether they are the soy burgers or dhall....and you never really notice it but carbs make you sleepy. they fill you up too quickly and then you just feel like sleeping after.

being a blogger

it took me a while to realize that many people actually blog. didn't quite pay attention to it until i went on to cnn.com and saw anderson cooper's blogs as well. i wonder if stephen colbert blogs? that would be interesting stuff to read. i love the show..."the colbert report." really hilarious....it is satire and although there is a serious undertone, you just cannot help but laugh when he says it. he's even funnier than "the daily show with jon stewart."
so anyway, my boss has been avoiding me lately because i asked him for a raise. he calls and if i answer the phone at work, he hangs up. it doesn't bother me really. i guess even if i get the raise or not, i will be leaving soon...it doesn't matter. maybe i will stay until august and then i will leave. i do not know if i could really go through another book season working with him. i am preparing myself from now...mentally...which means that it is becoming a task really. time changes everything and i guess i have become too old for the job there. i have been there a long time and the only thing i will really miss is the chats i have with the customers. i will miss them.
my venezuelan friend is moving back to her country in november. she wants to start her career and her son will be ready for pre-school next year. i guess she is thinking of all of that. i do not blame her really. so even if i stay for another book season, i will not stay beyond november. there comes a time when one has to move on and i am almost at that bridge now.
i suppose the trip we are going on will be to visit st. augustine, florida and a few cities further north. we usually decide when we get on the road what we are going to do and where we are going to. however, we look at cities and see what is interesting. vinod fell in love with st. augustine so i guess we definitely are going there. he wants to spend two days there but it's really a stop and go thing that we do. we try to cover as much places as possible when we go on road trips. i have to remind the boss that he gave me the time off already now. he usually acts up when the days are drawing closer. hopefully, there will be no problem. it is already past 3am and i should be getting to sleep. there is much to do tomorrow at work and it's my early day tomorrow too!

the cell phone syndrome......

This past weekend, i ended the service on my cell phone. I've had that phone for the past almost three years and i never really noticed how dependent i became on it. it was something that i always carried around. imagine, it was so important that i never forgot it anywhere in that time. how did we live before? even when i slept, i left the phone on. cannot really remember when i intentionally ever turned off the phone.....i think it was in august last year for my chemistry final. when i graduated, i had my phone with me. my friend and i ended up in a predicament when we had to walk across the stage and there was no one to hold the phones for us. the only thing we could think of before walking across the stage was to slip it in our dresses below the gown. i wish if graduation was not so formal...then all i would have done was what i usually do...slip it in my back pocket of my jeans. even for graduation i never turned off the phone. the other times, it was because it fell so many times and i had to fix the battery and then turn it on again. so i upgraded. nan wanted me to join her with some deal that she was getting from the university so i said "why not?" turns out that i am getting a camera phone....don't exactly know what i would want with all that but it's extra added features. no, my technology skills go as far as checking my email and using my cell phone....and boy, can i use my cell phone!!!! yeah, i'm always talking. spend a long time talking to ami and yet, we never really talk for long on the phone. it's not like those relationships where you talk about nonsense for hours upon hours....nah, ami doesn't like to waste time like that and i would much rather talk to him in person than over the phone.....why waste valuable sleeping time anyways! in any case, nan has me on a minute plan now. the last company spoiled me. i had unlimited service and i could call anywhere in the US for one fixed price. i took advantage of it. nan used to say that the people at MetroPCS probably were banging their heads on the walls because of me...so imagine if there was another one like me! I've confiscated nan's old phone in the meantime while coping with not having mine. there is a little game on there that i like playing. i like the sounds. with my old phone, i learnt to bowl like a pro. this one is teaching me to fight off offenders in space.......where can i use these skills????? jeezum crow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

forrest gump and savannah, georgia

I just finished watching the second half of "forrest gump." tom hanks is amazing in that movie and the movie is loaded with quotable quotes. if you want a quick review of american history, this is your movie. it is one of the movies that hollywood really excelled in making. now, there is a piece in that movie, where robin wright introduces him to his son...that piece is filmed in savannah, georgia. savannah is one of the cities that is worth visiting. it beckons to you and it really captivates you when you are there. walking the streets of savannah makes one feel as if one has stepped back into history.
because i live in south florida, i appreciate this more. the reason is that most of south florida was undeveloped until the 1960s when wealthier northeasterners started the real estate boom here. there are no old buildings in south florida. it is a young place. even miami is pretty young. most of the architecture is from the 60s with the pastel paints and caribbean style windows. when you walk in the streets of savannah, you feel the age of the city. suddenly, jeans and a t-shirt is out of place and you feel as if you should be wearing colonial costumes to fit into the city. the roads leading down to the river are brick roads. the houses are old. everything is old and so well preserved. the thing about savannah is that you know it is savannah from the moment you see the houses or the parks...very much like associating the eiffel tower with paris. i guess that is the closest i can come to describing savannah. it is beautiful. a must see city.
this weekend, if all goes well, i will be going on another trip. this time i want to see stone mountain, georgia. the hospitality of the georgians is incredible. they put the southern in southern hospitality. there is no other state up the I-95 like georgia. when you enter georgia, there's a sign at the welcome center that says: " we're glad georgia's on your mind." it really sums it all up. We stayed in a Days Inn last summer in georgia. It was clean and the lady behind the desk was actually chatting with us and being helpful. usually, the receptionists are there watching tv. this one was there with the biggest smile on her face. even when we went for food in the fast food restaurant (we are a bunch of younguns, we ain't going to cook on vacation), we had the best treatment. made us feel as if we were eating at a more classy place. that is what i call hospitality!
well needless to say, i have been bad for the last week or so. santa wouldn't get me no presents this year! i guess i do it to get my way. i've been arguing with my parents to go on the trip. they are usually iffy when we say that we are heading out of town. they worry too much sometimes. and i guess i don't think that much. maybe i am a little too hot headed. something tells me that everything will be okay though. i am working myself up in a little frenzy that does me no good. in the end, everyone but me will be okay. usually ends up that way anyway. i feel as if i must do this though. for my sake.
last night i dreamt my godfather. i usually dream him in his turban and indian wear. last night i dreamt that he walked up and hugged me from the side. he told me that i was special and he really reassured me that things would be okay. i know that dreaming him is good. to have him speak is even better becuase usually, when i see him in my dreams, he never talks to me directly. this time he did. i guess for me, i know he died physically, but i know his spirit is there. he leads me still. and when he appears in my dreams, i know that things work out well. and life is a box of chocolates!

life since i ran.....

Exercising is like shelling peas.......it clears your mind. and if you are wondering what i am talking about, try shelling peas...it is something that you do not think about. in trinidad, my grandparents worked the land. they made money from agriculture and some of the biggest houses in trinidad were bought with "garden money." there are precious few things in the world that one finds that will completely relax oneself. shelling peas tops the list for me. i guess it is in my blood. there is something that is really unique...no matter how far we travelled from trinidad and how long ago our grandparents died, every member of my father's side of the family gardens for a hobby. and it's not just flowers...my uncle plants tomatoes and fruit trees, my father plants peas and sorrel in the backyard (bears for christmas), another uncle does it professionally, and another plants the provisions and peppers. even the aunts do it. you cannot take it out of our blood. and i am pretty sure that some of them could make barren land fertile. that's a green thumb for you.
so back to shelling peas....it's a little skill involved...to prevent staining your fingers. we've shelled peas into all hours of the night. now, we fight to shell it. if my dad gets to it first, we dont get a chance. he hogs the whole set and wouldnt let anyone touch his peas. i guess it clears his mind too. it's a strange thing to watch....everyone sits around a table piled high with freshly picked pods and we shell the peas out of the pod. no one talks...it's like a silent conversation....until nan gets an old pea that has a worm...then she has to scream... and vinod takes pleasure in letting the little worm torture her for a little. it's a race to see who can shell the most....that determines how much you can eat. you earn your fair share of peas. since nan and my dad are the fastest, they usually end up fighting for the last pea in the pot.
so...back to the exercising now....i have been feeling great. walking is something that i enjoy. walking anywhere in any weather is fine for me. i've lost a few pounds but the happiness comes in knowing that i can exercise and run even without feeling as if i will die if i run. after a while, i get on a little high and i feel as if i could continue walking for a long long time. i will admit, good music always helps but i can walk without the music too. sometimes, my thoughts accompany me for the entire three or four miles. they can really occupy my time. for someone like nan, that is way too much thinking...so she needs the music...nah, she acutally can run 4 miles!!!! me, i can only do 1, but it is an accomplishment so far. one day i will do 2, then 3, then hopefully 4. for now, i will think of my peas while i walk tonight........

i RAN today!!!!!

I am still trying to celebrate my little joy of running for a mile today. I have never done this before in my entire life and tonight I really tried and i did it! i guess my heart is okay after all. well at least i feel a little bit fit now. have been trying to take the vitamins too. they taste horrible and they are really big and green but i practically force them down my throat. the prescribed dose is two per day but they were just too big to take two so one will have to suffice. it's the GNC's One a Day Women. i often wonder what will happen if men were to accidentally take this...hmmmm. But yeah, as soon as i was done running, i hurried to tell nan about my little accomplishment. i expected her to get up and hug me but she didn't....maybe she wanted me to shower first. running is a lot different from walking. i can walk for as long as my legs can take it because it is my favorite exercise.....actually it is a wonderful mind clearer, but running takes will; lots of it! hopefully, i will be able to do this more often now.
so yes, back to the chocolate cake diaries....i had another piece of it today...and boy was it good! i definitely have a sweet tooth. my only justification is that i eat it at breakfast and no other time. figure that by the end of the day, it will be worked out and most of the calories will be consumed. on that note, i put fertilizer and MiracleGro on the roses today. They didn't seem to be doing well in the cold weather. Hopefully they will be better off now.
the cough is still there from the cold that i had. i suppose that i am 95% back to normal now. i guess the coughing is my body's way of ridding myself of the cold germs. ewwwww! realized that the medicine is not working well with me. i look at it and i remember this medicine i used to take when i was little. it was cherry flavored and looked like pepto bismol but it smelled like a hospital....like the rubbing alcohol mixed with the disenfectant scent...see, i have this habit of smelling everything that i eat (which offends nan all the time...especially when i am eating her food)...and it doesn't always work in my favor.
why do people have to take medicine in the first place? why couldn't there be preventative measures for everything? like vaccines and ways to prevent rather than to cure things? i guess then the pharmaceutical industries will be bankrupt. i'd rather take a shot than to take medicine and have to convince myself that it's going to taste like chocolate cake or icecream.
i was going to say more today but i am coughing now. better get to sleeping. it's already late and tomorrow, i may have to work. Not quite sure yet. Not exactly enthusiastic about it either. It's Martin Luther King day. Supposed to be a public holiday here in the US of A but i am not sure yet if i have the day off. usually, my work schedule is based upon the school holidays during the semesters. When i used to have the day off, I used to say thank God for Martin Luther King....but even if i don't have the day off, i would still say it. He did good things for a great number of people...not only blacks, but for the minorities in the US....and i am a minority.
this reminds me of something....On CNN tonight there was this special on Voice Profiling. it's like racial profiling but by figuring out the person's voice. See here in the US, there are different accents based on what part of the country one comes from. After a while of living here, you know where a person is from by the way they pronounce certain vowels. Especially the A. Then there are the American Blacks, who speak in a very different way, their speech is more distinct in the south...because of this, they are discriminated against even when they are on the telephone. the program showed a white caller and a black caller talking to a person about a possible rental of an apartment. the owner of the apartment gave more details to the white caller than to the black caller and seemed more willing to have the white caller as a tenant. even until now, there are still problems like these. this is sad. we call ourselves civilized and yet we cannot respect other humans...or even treat them as equal...not even that! and the worst thing was that the landlord had an indian accent...and yeah, that is hard to miss too.....made me feel embarrassed because i am indian and i do have an accent too....and it is not indian but a mixture of caribbean and southern drawl....go figure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Before i go off to read......

Nan gave me some news today...about eating cake. It is the one weakness we have. If there is chocolate cake in the fridge, it is my greatest enemy. By all means, i must finish it. She told me that cake is only meant to be eaten 3 times a week and no more. Well i am eating the cake but to compensate, i am walking an extra mile everyday in order to enjoy it. Good things always carry a steep price with them. And yes, with that, i am trying to disqualifiy myself from becoming the pillsbury dough girl. by the way, ami said that he was only joking when he said that. now i've begun to exercise and he is saying that i don't need to. guys! as for my cake, i am eating it...with enthusiasm and very slowly...but less of it..
i am about to start reading my book again now. crime and punishment is the name. it's the new dostoevsky book i am reading. i watched "the saint" again today. for like the third time.val kilmer is one of my favorites. apart from him, the movie had a lot of references to physics and it was just overall, a really cool movie. I liked it also partly because it is set in russia and that is where all my novels i am reading right now are set. now back to the topic at hand. the novel is pretty good so far. it takes one right into the pits of human nature and brings the person back up to the pinnacle. right now, i am in the pits section.
i would have had to work tomorrow morning if the boss didnt call and tell me that i didnt have to. i am so happy that he said that. almost didn't want to answer the phone when he was calling but i decided to answer. for once it was great news. not really too excited about working on sundays. it breaks my entire routine for sundays. plus the cold has left me with bouts of non-stop coughing. i am trying to remedy that though....with the least possible amount of medicine. so i am going to take the vitamins and then start reading.

to succumb or not succumb...to the cold that is..

After a while of dealing with people who are sick and sneezing on you, you end up getting their germs on you and inhaling them. I guess i inhaled a lot more than my fair share because i have the cold and i have been feeling nauseous all day. in fact, this morning, i threw up three times. I think it is the medicine. I even bought those little alka seltzer ones that dissolve in the water so that i wouldn't have to swallow pills. they were just the same. for the entire day, all i did was sleep. i woke up from the bed and went to the couch and slept there. finally, i decided to get up and walk until i sweated out the fever. now, there is no fever but there is the uncomfortable feeling of the cold on me. i hope it goes. Today i took the day off from work. after the second time i threw up, i was still thinking of going to work but then i changed my mind after the third time. i had a really bad headache too. i felt as if my head was a rock on my neck.
nan came into the room, looked at the floor where i threw up, threw me a roll of paper towels and left. talk about love! tomorrow i said i will work. Hopefully, i will not wake up feeling sick like i did today. I tried so hard not to get sick but i guess i was pushing it for too long. maybe it's better to just take it easy for a little bit and deal with the cold head on. When i walked i felt better. Tomorrow is a short day at work. i only have to go in for 6 hours. However, 6 hours can seem like a lifetime when you are away from home and sick. especially when the bosses are there. thank goodness they will not be there until i am ready to leave tomorrow.
my mom bought home a chocolate cake today. i felt so happy when i heard that she did but the thing is, it didn't taste as it should because the medicine taste was still there. hopefully i can get better soon...then i will enjoy the cake...our preference is really clear....as nan said, even if the cake was buried underground, she would dig it up, find it and eat it!

the Internet woes, the new year...so far....

I just realized that before the internet, i had a steady stream of letters coming to me in the mail...and i do not mean bills alone...real letters from my friends. now i am lucky if i can even get a forward out of them. it seems as if everyone's life is busy...including mine. well at least i had the time to check! and it's almost 1:30 am. Tomorrow i work from maybe 2 until 9 in the evening. and then thursday i am back there again at 7 am until the boss sees that the books are not that busy anymore. then friday morning i am there at 6am. I am not sure how i am going to do it but i know I will definitely be banking my sleep. I guess that is what i will be spending sunday doing.
The new year just started and i am exercising. I am hoping that i can keep this up. Being an Indian is a hard thing sometimes when it comes to weight. Indian girls are really anorexic looking skinny. Well most of the ones I know are. And the thing is, I am at my normal weight for my height. Being around them makes me look fat so i try not to be in places where i would see them. that may not be healthy for me. I know i gained some weight but I am not excessively fat. I think I just need to walk a little. I am trying but Vin made this really really cool pasta late tonight and i had to have it. the cheese on it was just telling me, "eat me.." so i did. had to walk for 1 hour before i was able to tell myself that my arteries would not get clogged. but Vin can really cook well. He knows that i am a big fan of his mac and cheese. the cheese he uses is not the powdered one though...
so back to the internet woes. I used to have my journal on HI5 but now i am not interested in putting my journal there. I guess i got bored faster than i thought i would. I found a lot of my friends i never heard from since trinidad but now, i wonder if it was such a good idea to do that. people grow up and they get their own lives and many of these people are people who i will never speak with again....far less for now...i hardly ever send them a message and there are only two people i really communicate with there anyway. I guess it is not for me. in fact, the one girl who was my friend, still emails me regularly (when she is not busy, that is) and the other guy, he calls me once in a blue moon because he said i was sending him too many forwards. I will not send him any emails now, not even a real email because i do not know if my one little email might be too much for him. i figured that his other new acquaintances will be sending him messages so he would want to keep his mailbox open for that. everyone wants a prospective date. except my friend is gay. i have no problem with that but i do not think i am the one who is spoiling this friendship. to call him in NY will cost me nothing and i can call anytime but i refuse to do that too. maybe it's me but i read all my forwards and i thought that my friend would not mind but i guess he drifted too....
by the way...i've now set up my bills online so i receive email reminders of when i should pay...so much for getting an email!
Otherwise, the new year is moving along. Pretty soon, it will be the old year. It's a bit busy at work but this is how it always is in the book business. The best part is when it is not busy, i read some of the books....so there is always something to learn if i am willing to look at it that way...and not let the boss get to me. my friend is doing okay. she brought me venezuelan cheese today. before i saw the cheese, she was telling me that the cheese tastes good when it is fried...and i was thinking in my head, "what kind of wierdo eats fried cheese...," then i saw the cheese. yep, it's fryable. and it is really different too. to me, it tasted bad at first because i was not used to the flavor but after two bites, i liked it. We took down the christmas decorations today. it took ten minutes to take them down and 2 hours to put them up. Go figure! but the store looks bare now. I liked the decorations better. Actually, no one waited for the epiphany...the boss was getting tired of the decorations and he wanted them down. so when he called, my friend and i practically pulled them all down. we didnt do much damage though. Actually, i caused more damage trying to put them up. i only ripped one tinsel. when i was putting them up, i broke a collectable corona mirror. an old lady once told me that those mirrors were worth a lot of money...and old people usually know about antique things...no pun intended!

Crime and Punishment....another Dostoevsky classic....and Life

I've begun reading a much smaller Dostoevsky novel called Crime and Punishment. It is a classic as well and i am enjoying the smell of the book too. So far, i haven't progressed much into the novel to give a sound opinion but it is interesting. I know it because it has been two days since i last read and i am still thinking about what will happen next. what amazes me about Dostoevsky is his ability to write large novels like The Brothers Karamazov with what was probably only a pen and paper. I doubt very much that a typewriter was invented in his time. he was mid 1800s.
I am happy now...Nan is reading the book but she is a bit apprehensive. it has been a while since she read a big book the likes of Brothers Karamazov. she will like it though. I know her taste. and she will feel the same sinking feeling in the end and i guess like most people who love reading for the sake of analyzing the books, she will long to read the sequel novel that Dostoevsky never wrote.
Crime and Punishment is a promising book. I look forward to reading.
Now about my life.....We have been praying for my uncle's departed soul for the last few days and we have found solace in it. Mummy no longer cries as much and I guess we have accepted his death. It will still remain with us...the loss that is...for a while but eventually, we will remember him for the life he lived.
Before we heard the news, i had spent lots of time at the malls shopping for presents. a few days before christmas, i saw my ex-boyfriend after 2 and 1/2 years. i recognized him because his dress style has not changed at all for that long time. meanwhile, i have evolved from track pants and t-shirts to dresses, skirts, jeans and blouses...now that i look back on that relationship, i guess i never really put the effort into it....not even for something as simple as dressing like a girl. anyway, i was looking at shoes in Dillards when i looked up in time to see his sister pointing at me. he saw me too. my reaction was what surprised me. i froze and i could feel my heart pounding against my ribs. ami took my hand and led me out of the store. in the parking lot, he said that he didn't want to stay before the ex said something and there was trouble. i know that i was over the ex because i didnt feel anything....no love, no hate...nothing except maybe fear. what surprised me was that i was afraid of him after so long. hopefully, one day i will overcome this. really, i guess he only lives 2 miles away from where i do but i managed to not see him for so long that i thought that he had literally fallen off the face of the earth. or maybe he was visiting for christmas. whatever it was, i do not take pleasure in seeing him.
ami came over after work tonight. there is precious little things that i can cook that tastes good enough for him, or anyone for that matter, to eat. however, i can make these little "empanada-like" things that he likes. i guess the thing that makes it taste good is the cheese. cheese has a way of making food taste better. at least in america. i am indian but the only spices i like are the ones that are associated with the sweet foods. not really a fan of the spicy spices. but i considered the health part of the equation. i did not fry the "pies" but i baked them in the toaster oven with the littlest amount of butter i could possibly use. there was olives in the "pies" and the dough had flaxseeds. both are good to control cholesterol. well ami liked them. i felt like how one of those cooks on the food networks feel when people enjoy their food=0) yeah right! i have a long way to go. cooking is not really my thing and i am still a long way from wanting to make it my thing! until then, there is frozen broccolli and cheese that i can microwave for 1 minute!!!!!

happy new year! from nan and vam

Nothingness

the thought just occurred to me that if laziness was a factor in a contest, i would have won the 1st prize by a landslide! i cannot think of what i did today besides waking up, eating, watching tv, coming online, and now online again. jeez! what a waste of a day! i must make a mental note of that in the new year not to do this. actually, it felt good to just not do anything for a while but then it kinda got to me. usually when this happens i know that i will spend most of the night compensating and cleaning until i decide to sleep. oh well.....
so it is the end of the year now and boy, did it pass quickly! how does one measure time passing? yeah, that's an easy question to answer....use a clock...but no, i did not mean that. i guess it is all relative..how we measure time. it flies when we are having fun and when we are dejected, it could never be any slower. i think i better do something productive. going to exercise....

Mamoo Balack, Roses and superstitions...

I have not felt like typing lately but however, i have written 8 pages to myself. Handwritten. Maybe it is because i did not feel like sharing what I was thinking to everyone back then...who knows? Usually, in my handwritten diary, i will review my year and then make changes for the new year based on how the past year went. This is what it was like...there were lots of laughter and equally as many tears.
Sometimes you know that something will happen but you do not expect it and when it does, you are surprised by it. this is how i felt when i heard the news about Mamoo Balak's death. He was sick but we never thought that he would die on Christmas day. so all the laughter turned to tears in the blink of an eye. I think the saddest thing was seeing mummy cry for her brother. She has that effect on people. We are so used to seeing her happy that when she cries, everyone cries as well. We did not know him but from the way she spoke of him, we learnt to love him through her. She adored her brother. Deep down we know that he is better off now but the void of losing a member of the family is still very fresh in our minds.
The Christmas tree is down and all the decorations are off earlier than usual. The house is not exactly one of mourning because it is in our nature not to mourn but to celebrate the life that the person lived. Even as the christmas decorations are off, the roses in the front are still blooming on a daily basis and they make the house look festive. It seems as if the roses are blooming for him. At least i would like to think so. Mummy said that when her father died, they got roses like that.
There is a superstition amongst our people about roses in the front of your house. They say that flowers with thorns are not good to be planted in the front of a house and one should not use them in worship. ask me if i believe it! nan had bought those roses as a birthday present for me earlier this year. I did not think twice about having them planted in the front of the house. a rose's beauty is meant to be shown off, not hidden. I guess we are not as superstitious. Daddy was using them to decorate the altar because for the first time, we had so many roses.
As for the superstition, they are the most beautiful flowers, and probably the hardest to grow and maintain. anyone who has ever tried to grow a rose from a baby plant will know that. of course, they can be used to describe life...the delicate nature, their beauty, their grace, their thorns, the insects that can plague them if not cared for, how they wither, dropping of their petals and the remains of their core when the beauty of their petals is shed. to me, having them bloom was an accomplishment because we cared for them so much. After the hurricane, i put fertilizer and miracle gro on them and even sprayed them to prevent insects from attacking them. And yes, the roses bloomed to celebrate the life that my uncle lived. they were a tribute to him.

Winding down with Dostoevsky's "The Brothers Karamazov"

It's coming down to the last few chapters of my 1045 page novel now. Here i find that i must mention the name of the translator...Konstantin Mucholsky...because i've seen various interpretions and some of the words are translated into english differently. That's why it's always better to read a book in the original language...but for people like me, who can only understand one language fluently and i struggle with two others, english will have to do. At least, i was able to get the main idea of the novel.
Dostoevsky made a masterpiece. One can only read and marvel at his precision with regard to human nature. he hit the nail on the head! Now, i am on the trial of Dmitry Karamazov. The book is tragic...i think... but there is redemption. Alyosha is a sweetheart and even if people describe the Karamazov brothers as having the bad traits of their father, Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov, one cannot help loving them because deep down, they are present in all of us. I cannot really understand how Dostoevsky was able to do it so well but he took certain human qualities and he separated them into three brothers and even the worst qualities, we can identify with them. we all doubt, we are all ruled by our senses at one time or the other, and we all have bountless reserves of faith. therefore, we are all Ivans, Dmitrys and Alyoshas, respectively.
another point for this book is that we already know what is going to happen....the narrator does not hold back the plot but it is the thoughts of the people that surprises us when we read this book. we read because we are interested in the thinking process of the characters and not what eventually happens. dostoevsky could have made a mystery out of the murder and not let us know that smerdyakov was the murderer but instead, he let us know. the mystery comes from the thoughts of these three karamazov brothers. we read because we want to know of what they will think. and if they will become close....and yes, it is happening....alyosha, the darling, is the linker in the book. even the worst of people love him.
on a more trivial note, i love the smell of books. sometimes i just open the book to smell how the pages smell. yes, many people may think i am a wierdo but from as long as i can remember, it is the first thing i do when i open a book. see, novels smell different from college books. and test papers smell different from novels and college books. then, there's the newspapers that have their own smell and the magazines that have a faint plastic smell. so everytime i read from this book, i smell it before i begin reading. i've tried so hard not to write or underline even though i have been tempted so many times while reading. that's one little accomplishment because to reach to almost the end and not do it, is something unheard of for me.
i could have finished reading this book a long time ago...but i put it down several times to take in all of what i read. then i have been delaying the finale because i don't want it to end. i feel a little bit sad...like how i felt when i read "Autobiography of a Yogi" and i did not want to read the last lines because it would mean that i was done reading the book. it's worth rereading though. there are many things to learn. kudos to Kenny who recommended this book to me.
really, i should be studying for the MCATs and i will...i just felt that i needed a break from the whole academic thing. so after i am done with Karamazov, i will go back to the world of academia. until then, i will be learning about life from the non-academic side.....

graduation pictures

ami and me...







1st pic...ami and me
2nd pic: ami's dad, ami and me
3rd and 4th pics: ami's the one waving

ami's graduation party

At my home....i was still in a partying mood....doing my own dancing...this is part of my latin moves





















ami and one of his cakes....earlier in the evening at his place....











yeah, we were happy and we had two cakes!













the remainders of the chocolate cake is at my house. i've resolved to go on the diet after the cake is done. hopefully, i wouldn't get any bigger....goodyear may give me the contract to be the blimp.... if the cake is in the house, there can be no diet..chocolate cake is my enemy....i see it and i must eat it. thank goodness we don't eat eggs!!!!!! imagine, i'm on the treadmill and i am thinking of the cake in the fridge...jeezums!

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas......

there's a christmas carol that goes..."said the night wind to the little lamb....." one part of it goes something like "said the shepherd boy to the mighty king...do you know what i know, a child lays shivering in the cold in your kingdom...." i dont really know the words but that piece of the carol always gets me. and yes, christmas is one of the saddest holidays if you remember that easter comes up. i mean, we should be grateful for the passion, but it doesn't take away the guilt and gratitude felt in John 3:16.
today, my friend told me that in venezuela she used to write letters to el nino jesus when she was little. apparently, el nino is the "santa" in venezuela. she will send her christmas list to him. but it was nice to hear that at least somewhere, it wasn't all about the commercialism and having to buy presents only. then she was telling me how she cannot understand how the bunny fits into easter...now, the bunny is cute, adorable in fact, but how did it ever replace Jesus? People associate easter with the bunny more than the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. but hopefully, one day we get reminded and it will be better.
I haven't been spending much time lately in the house. according to my mom, all i do is sleep in here, wake up just in time to say prayers and then leave the house once more. I guess i have gotten used to that because it is hard to break it. really, i feel a little guilty about not spending much time with them lately but hopefully it will pass over. according to them, i spend more time with ami than them and according to ami, i spend more time with them than with him...so my solution...cut me down the middle!!!!! i feel like a celebrity;0) nah, just been really busy lately. that's all.
actually, in rationalizing things out, there are certain days that i like to be home...like sundays. the rest of the days, i really like being out. no, i'm not a "homey" person...except for in the night in time to watch the comedy central lineup and have my coffee at the same time. that will explain why i am up to this hour online. It's 2:31 am and i should be sleeping because tomorrow when i have to wake up, it is going to be trouble. ami's graduation starts at 9 am. the problem is that i will have to bank my lost sleep. yes, furgie will say that sleeping is what i do best.
i ordered an eggless cake for ami's graduation. actually mummy did. but i have to pick it up. the thing is that his older sister also got him a cake from another supermarket. i was actually being greedy for cake because i cannot eat the cake she will bring because of the eggs....so basically, i'm ensuring my own "eats." really, i hope she doesn't mind. at least ami will be happy. he's getting two cakes!!! but then again, i think it is only furgie and i that get this crazy over cake. we just finished vinod's birthday cake in less than two days....that will not be good for the diet but it sure was good cake...and it's not like if we have it everyday (i'm rationalizing again!).
since i wasn't home all week really...i decided that when i got home from work, i would do something in the house. i ended up right in my corner....that is, i ended up in my bed and i didn't wake up until it was 3 hours after. so during the breaks in my comedy central lineup, i put up the tree with vinod and since i am the youngest, i got to put up the star. not that it really matters, but he let me do it anyway. he's really cool about christmas. the tree is beautiful. this time vin put it up so anyone passing on the road can see it through the glass in the front door. now, i need to find a really pretty nativity scene and put it by the tree. earlier this week, i hung my stockings up and nan pulled them down. i guess they weren't very fashionable. i had this really long one hanging up and i was joking that it was vin's since his feet are so big. my mom usually puts potatoes and stuff from the kitchen in them. it's hilarious. so, i guess the christmas season starts really after ami's graduation tomorrow. then i can start focusing on christmas really.

The Grand Inquisitor....really now, i need to scribble because my mind is working overtime....

There is a novel that was recommended to me a long time ago by an acquaintance when i went to the community college. It's called The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky. While i have previously read Tolstoy's works and loved them, i found that this book appealed to me on a human/intellectual basis. Dostoevsky, to me, seemed to be fighting his inner demons when he wrote this novel...and i wish now if he had finished the sequel to Karamazov before he died. there are many instances where intellectual discussion arose in this book but there was something that Dostoevsky said that really got through to me. In the book, there are three brothers and a step-brother along with the father. The eldest is Dimitri, by his first wife, then there are Ivan and Alyosha by his second wife, and finally Smerdyakov by a mentally retarded woman that the father rapes while he is drunk. All of the brothers personify a human quality....or even in psychology, we can say that the legitimate brothers represent the id, the ego, and the superego. Ivan being the id, Dimitri being the ego, and Alyosha being the superego. Smerdyakov personifies evil in the novel.
there are several questions that arise here.....first, nothing is really a surprise and everything is set clearly in front of the reader. We all know that the father dies and is killed by Smerdyakov. However, dimitri is framed for the murder and suffers. It is here in his suffering that he finds happiness and inner solace. anyway, my main focus here is Ivan, the second son.
Ivan is an intellectual. he gets an advanced education and upon intellectual thought, he claims to be an athiest. I sympathize with Ivan's character. Even though i think that i have a lot of faith, i see the value of Ivan's character in the book. Ivan represents doubt. He doubts the existence of God when he sees the baser qualities in man. Ivan believes that children are innocent and he sees them having to work and suffer. It bothers him and he cannot understand why children would have to suffer like that when God exists. Now, as a Hindu, i can explain based on my religious beliefs. however, Ivan is Russian Orthodox and the problem lies there because there really is no explanation there. One has to understand, even though Ivan is seen as bad because he is an athiest, he is not selfish, nor is he really a bad person. He is just aloof. Anyway, he rejects God because of this. I hope this isn't blasphemous.
So before dimitri is framed for the murder of his father, Ivan and Alyosha have a discussion. Ivan speaks of a poem he wrote...The Grand Inquisitor. the poem is set in 16th century spain where Jesus appears in a town and he is walking through the streets performing miracles of all kinds. The people of the church see this and Jesus is captured and put into a dungeon-like prison. Later on, in the night, he gets a visit from a man who we know as the Grand Inquisitor. so the Inquisitor is there telling him the reasons why he would be executed the next day.
It follows that the Inquisitor tells him that he should have done what Satan had asked him to do when he was tempted the three times because he left humans with the burden of free will and they did not really know what to do with it. That is a very profound statement. Now here is where Dostoevsky took this.....When Christ was told to make the stones turn into bread, he should have turned them into bread because humans value security from hunger more than they care to "not live by bread alone." Then when he was asked to stand from a pinnacle and jump off and have the angels from heaven save him, he should have jumped because then humans would have satisfied their need to have a miracle and would follow him blindly. then finally, when he was told that he could have all the kingdoms of the world, he should have taken it because then, humans would be happy following someone and being told what to do.
Ivan's point is valid. we all have free will and yet, we never take the time to exercise it. we never really care to search for anything deeper than what and where we are at the present time. how often do we really decide to look within? And yes, if i see children suffering, it will pull at the strings of my heart. it is heartbreaking even if there is an explanation for it. but the thing is Ivan's philosophies of rejecting God were all empty. he was really in a state of doubt.
so back to the Grand Inquisitor....he is really a high priest. he tells Jesus that he is doing the job that Satan asked Jesus to do because he sees that humans need to have miracles, someone to think for them and someone to follow. It may sound harsh, but it is true.....so the inquisitor goes on to say that if Jesus came back and claimed the people, he would take away the position of the church so it was for that reason he needed to be executed. when the inquisitor is done speaking, Jesus kisses him on his lips (remember...it's a Russian story...men kiss each other on the lips...it's normal). The inquisitor is a bit taken aback and he decides to let Jesus go with the promise that he will never return to the town again. When Ivan is finished with his story, Alyosha gives him a kiss as well.
Now this is where the thinking lies.....I have been in limbo for the longest time now. I guess it started earlier this year and the thought just kept buliding. No, i do not need a priest to say prayers for me. I am in the process of eliminating the middle-man. i love the temple. I love going and just sitting there....just to stare at the murtis. it gives me great joy to see them dressed up there. i sit and take in all the details and then redraw the pictures in my mind. but for me to go and listen to someone read and preach to me, i cannot do it. i refuse to be told what to do by anyone...maybe sometimes, i will listen to the readings but i will not have anyone tell me what to do as to my relationship with a higher being. That is where the line is drawn. A real man does not talk about his conversations with his wife to other people. likewise, i will not speak of what my relationship is with a supreme being. maybe i am stubborn. but then again maybe i am a person who has found a friend and doesnt want to share my friend with anyone else for fear of losing the attention.
In the book, it is mentioned...if Jesus really came back, how many of us would know that it was him? Would we reject him because we are blindly following some man-made principles? would we recognize him? i guess this may be my biggest fear. and here again is a dilemma. what do i keep and what do i reject? there are many things that i hold dear to me in my religion....i identify with many of its principles and yet, there are some that i reject. then again, that is the beauty of Hinduism...i can exercise free will. i am somewhat wary of authority....like religious/church like authority. I have seen more corruption in the religious elite than what i have seen in the commoners like myself. My guru is the only exception i can think of. and really, if i am willing to learn, i can do a google search and find what i am looking for. I even downloaded the entire Ramayan (Ram Charit Manas version) and i am reading to my heart's content now. I am understanding and i am getting to form my own opinions. I no longer have to rely on someone else's opinion. then that would just be following and i've realized that i would rather make my own dirt path (while reseraching and drawing information and ideas to help me find a way) rather than to walk along someone else's already constructed road. If i stick to it long enough, i will reach there just the same.

Coming to terms: Remembering Darshit Patel (July 12, 1982-July 13, 2003)

I was reading online today about traffic rules in florida and about drinking and driving and whatever else there was to read. there was good information on the effects of drugs on the brain. of course, the main focus was alcohol but every now and then, my mind drifted to someone. darsh. i miss him. he was a friend that would make you laugh by just seeing him. he was always happy. i remember when i found out that he was dead how it took days to sink in that darsh would not be there with his funny gujrati accent and his hilarious remarks. the thing is darsh died in an accident and when i went to his funeral, the person in the coffin did not resemble darsh....it did not even look close to what he looked like. the smile was fake. anyone who knew darsh would know that. his smile was the first thing everyone noticed about him. it was contagious. even people who claimed to not like him, missed him when he was gone....and in his death, he pulled the entire feuding club community at our college together.
i often meet vishal and we talk about darsh. it pains us to speak of him because darsh was vishal's best friend...and to me, darsh was one of the persons who i looked for in school because he would always do something to make you laugh. all through the readings..my mind wavered to darsh...when he was alive, when i heard the news that he died, and when i went to his funeral...
he was only 21 and everyone who knew him went to his birthday party. we were vacationing with family in jupiter, florida that weekend. when we came back, there was a message on the phone from a club member that we were at odds with and she said that darsh was dead. darsh died the morning after his 21st birthday in a head on collision with a post on the florida turnpike. after seeing him at the funeral, i can never really tell vishal (because i know it would affect him) but i am afraid of being on a major highway...especially at night. i know that he fell asleep at the wheel. he was always tired. that was one thing that he always complained of...never getting enough sleep.
it took me a year and a half later to realize that darsh didnt look like darsh because the people at the funeral home had to remake his face. he looked like a burn victim in the coffin. his color was pasty and it seemed as if he had taken the darshness out of the body that laid there. the animating principle was gone...his soul was already gone. he wasnt wearing his seatbelt when he crashed and he was thrown through the windscreen of the van onto the post. his head hit first. i am not saying this to say anything bad about darsh but from the frankness of the observation. his shoe was on the side of the road and his cell phone was in pieces in the picture. the only comforting thing was that he died on impact.
the monday before he died, we were discussing our plans for later on in life. darsh was different that day. he told me his entire life story and about his life at his uncle's house. he was in love with this girl in miami and he wanted to go to a public university there so he could be closer to her. i remember how nan and i used to tease him about going to see her. he told me that his uncle was very mean to him at times and he had a very rough life at his house. there was something he told me that stood out. almost at the end of our conversation, he told me that if he wanted to leave, everything he ever owned was packed in one little bag in a corner of the room he stayed in and all he had to do was take the bag. all the while, he kept smiling...as if to say that he had overcome his problems and they were only just memories.
i know that he didnt live a long life like many others but his life touched everyone he met. we have a little rock at the college with his name on it and there are some flowers planted around it. it is close to where everyone would hang out and talk to him if we saw him in school and right outside the room we held his memorial service in. sometimes i dont like going back there because the memories come back...but at times, there is great solace in going and looking at this rock with his name on it.
i cannot really understand why i will think of darsh now...lately my mind has been on him. i think i was affected more than i thought and i know that i miss him. i didnt see him much but his presence was greatly appreciated when i did see him. i remember when i first entered FAU, i used to ask the desis if they knew darsh. the other day, i passed the funeral home where we did his service and i thought of him. maybe he sees us all...and he laughs the same way at all of us. the westerners have a philosophy that there are angels that god sends to walk amongst us and cheer us up...and if so, darsh was one of them.

The Book

A little fellow one day got presented a book
and within it, a pen.
He was told to have a look,
to say whether he liked or no
in order that the pages should go
to a printer's that is...
He opened and scanned
then began a penning,
a change per page.
The white got scratchy and blotchy
but the story got a twist
that could not be missed.
Upon the chapter last,
the author began his address:
"My story you changed,
arranged and signed.
You played upon words mine;
Why pray tell?"
Laddie said, "For this story to sell,
it needed a bell,
a ring to the pen, sir....
I dinna like it, so I changed it."
And the author smiled.

--Vamini R.
2:50-3:07am, Tuesday, January 14, 2003......

this is just brilliant, I can actually post in bami's spot.

vami and raj 

I wanted to write for the longest time and i felt that i was going crazy while the hurricane passed us. even after it was long gone, it left us without electricity for nine days. it was nine very unusual days though. i documented all of them and i will share them soon. however, i wanted to write of something that i had in mind all the time since i was first introduced to it.
on the night of the hurricane, i read siddhartha from beginning to end. i realized many things while reading the book and even after i am still thinking. i can almost hear the wheels turning in my head...at these times i feel as if my brain is one of those naked watches where you can see the wheels rotating inside...and you can almost hear them if you stop and listen too.
well here's the deal with siddhartha....
it was an exceptional book in that it makes one think long after one has finished reading. it makes you evaluate your presence here and it makes you wonder if you are here to take up space on earth or if each person has a higher aspiration in life that we are oft times diverted from. well there is something else that i was thinking too...my mind is at crossroads and when that happens, you have to stop only long enough to make a decision on what road to take or else before you know it, the roads disappear and you are left in the middle of a forested wood with no roads....
i think this is the root of my restlessness right now.
i was raised in a traditional hindu way and i grew up in ritual hinduism. many times i never really understood what the rituals were meant for but as i grew older, i investigated and saw why they were necessary. however, the problem comes with the promise that L. Krsna gives to Arjuna in the Bhagavad Gita. He says in ch 4, v. 7-8 that he comes from time to time to reestablish dharma or restore righteousness if there is a threat to dharma....so i understand the purpose of L. Rama and L.Krsna's respective incarnations.....but then why do most Hindus not include L. Buddha when he is the 9th incarnation of L.Vishnu?
L. Buddha lived in the middle ages and at that time the world was in deep turmoil and the blood of many innocent lives were shed in the so-called "name of god" when it was really only to satisfy man's baser qualities. so there was a reincarnation. and the incarnate lived a life that was supposed to set an example. he did not give any scriptural injunctions nor did he say follow me, he left people to choose their path by looking at him and deciding what they would do based on his example. he did not set rules nor did he come to make a new religion. but yet, there is a new religion formed...he came to set hinduism right.....i guess. he showed us that the rituals needed to be performed upon ourselves and that god dwelled within us and we would realize the supreme within ourselves if we persisted and persevered....
sanatan dharma is deeply intertwined within the culture of the hindus and the hindu culture was formed in the ancient times....just like the other ancient civilizations like the mayas and the aztec that are no longer alive today...we see societal structures like theirs in our hinduism...so when and where do we distinguish religion from culture...when do we realize that there are some things that are not really needed that exist today and prevent us from truly realizing our supreme goals in life?...as a hindu, it is here i decide which road i walk...whether i walk the road of the hindus, or as a hindu, i walk my own road with the guidance of my inner being..........isn't this what hinduism really is....our interpretation and our version of what we think the supreme really is...and when we finally choose a path, we stick to that path and concentrate on it until the seeds split and eventually a tree with fruits replaces it?